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Feeling very lost (tw: abuse)(7 Posts)
Have posted this (twice accidentally) in 30 Days Only but then I remembered there was a whole board for this kind of stuff.
NC'd for this.
Feeling very lost rn, needing some practical advice and I guess hand holding.
I'm 20 and currently have a year out from uni (2nd year) after a bout of depression and PTSD from a previous sexual assault. Had to move back to my home town, but relationship with DM was so bad I couldn't stay there and moved out (but that's a whole other thread). Luckily DF could see it was toxic and kindly supported me.
Shortly after moving back, met a guy at work - had so much in common, great chemistry etc. etc. Being in the whirlwind that my life was (had to leave uni, move home, MH crisis) I fell in love and started a relationship with him very quickly. Our job (bar work) meant we would go out and get pissed every week with colleagues. Boyfriend often turns into an immature selfish fuckwit when drunk.
One night, I was drunk but fully in control of myself. Got back to my flat and started to have sex, I wanted to stop and told him. Met with complaints of 'aren't you going to get me off' etc, and when I said no, he carried on. I just let it happen. He also did anal on me which I'd said so many times I wasn't comfortable with and had said no before and at the time, but he didn't listen. I assume he managed to 'get himself off', I don't remember him finishing so expect I'd passed out by this point.
To complicate things further (and I'm sorry for the essay length of this post) when this happened he had recently found out he was leaving for a job in France, so I am safe from him now. But this just added to the guilt and letting him get away with whatever he wanted.
When I told him what he'd done the next day, he seemed genuinely shocked but also didn't apologise. He then turns on the 'I'm such an idiot, can't do anything right' etc. and I'm expected to boost his ego.
It's now been two months since he left (three months since this happened), and I still don't feel over it. My MH (which was slowly improving) has suffered massively, currently on SSP because I've sunk that low. I have only seen him once since he left didn't discuss it then bc I was genuinely happy to see him. He keeps pressuring me to book flights to go and see him so he can parade me around his mates, and has booked and paid for 3 nights in Paris in Nov. I've opened up to a few friends about this, and I know I need to seek help, I just don't know how.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't allow it and it is not your fault. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Do not go to visit him, do not have any further contact with him at all. I hope someone better at this than me will come along with some better advice, but I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago and got some excellent people on here helping me out. It is essential that you stop contact with him, he is only going to mess with your head and possibly do worse.
Have you contacted rape crisis? They have a telephone helpline (varies by area I think but you can find your local details on their main website) and you can talk to someone on the phone, or email if that's easier, and you can also get counselling with them.
What he did was rape and on top of the previous sexual assault you've suffered I'm not surprised it's all too much for you now.
And like the pp says, definitely cut contact with him now. He wants you to collude in his lie that what he did was ok, didn't matter, wasn't actually a huge violation of all your personal boundaries. But it really was.
Sorry this has happened to you and if you haven't already contacted rape crisis, I hope you do. They will totally understand you.
That's really horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I hope you can seek as much support as you can but not from him. I cannot believe he raped you like that and then has minimised the whole thing and that he's still pestering you to come to see him. I really hope you can cut him off completely and entirely and as soon as possible...
Thank you thank you so much for your replies. Even reading that has made me feel so much less alone
Avocado - thank you for the suggestion. I remembered Rape Crisis tonight and was looking up their number and just burst into tears. Was able to call my friend who calmed me down but I just feel so overwhelmed and guilty. I just didn't think I'd ever need the help of a rape charity
Does it matter that is was a while ago? A lot of the services I've looked up in my area seem to be for those who have just been assaulted..
I think I'm going to sit DDad down tomorrow and talk to him about it, then we'll tell DM together. I just imagine myself having DC one day and them telling me that this has happened and it breaks my heart.
No it doesn't matter that it was a while ago. If they can't help you they should be able to suggest other sources of support. Similarly, have you been seeing a counsellor or anything for your mental health issues? If so, definitely mention to them and they might have suggestions as well.
It's good that you can approach your parents.
No, as marble says it doesn't matter at all that it was a while ago. I called them myself re historical abuse from decades ago (that I didn't even realise was abuse for a long, long time) and they have been nothing but totally supportive. They are used to it... Happens to so, so many of us, sadly.
They will also understand why you wanted to keep in contact with him initially - this is very common among women who have been raped by partners/friends. I think it must be a kind of coping mechanism - trying to protect yourself from the horror of what happened by pretending it's actually all perfectly normal.
It's a normal reaction in the short term but as you are seeing, if you keep it up long term it will eat away at you.
Re telling your parents now - it's great if you have that kind of relationship where you know they will have your back in this situation but I'd only advise it if you are 100% sure that will be the case. If you think there is any chance at all they would question your actions/behaviour, or judge you in any way, then I would hold off, for now at least. But if you know you're guaranteed 100% support then of course that's brilliant!
Good to know you have found some comfort in our replies
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