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Better to be lonely in a functional but unfulfilling relationship or alone entirely?

(17 Posts)
26milesofcbeebies Wed 26-Oct-16 17:54:51

I posted before about being in a relationship that is fine on the surface but has no depth. We've since started counselling and while it is helping me to have somewhere to say what's wrong I'm not sure if we are any closer to moving on. I just can't see how we can find a connection again.

In the meantime I feel so lonely. I can't turn to my husband because I just don't feel like I can. I don't feel I have his unconditional love or support. I feel stifled.

We have two young children. If it wasn't for them I would have left but we are a functional family on the surface. Now I'm worried that it will be even more lonely just me and them (and of course sometimes it would just be me. I don't doubt he would stay involved.)

Any advice? Words of hope?

Happybunny19 Wed 26-Oct-16 18:01:29

Why do you assume you'll remain lonely if you decide to end your marriage? You could eventually meet someone else who you feel is on your side. If you can remain open and honest with your dh and split amicably I think you will be happier in the long run than together and loveless. It would be better for your dcs to see you both happy and fulfilled I'm life too.

26milesofcbeebies Wed 26-Oct-16 18:17:57

I don't know, happybunny. I think I feel if I can be miserable in a relationship that should be fine then there's not much hope for me! Also, if I leave the marriage i can't do it in the hope of meeting someone else. I need to be realistic that it might just be me, and be ok with that.

I really struggle to trust my own judgement these days. I've felt like this, and it's got increasingly worse, for the best part of 2 years. I feel so stuck!

Nellynobbler Wed 26-Oct-16 19:01:49

Don't think for one minute that you're doing well for your kids by staying together. I've been there myself. Separation is horrible but there is an infinately more fulfilling life out there. You're never more lonely than in a bad marriage. Start looking for ways to lift your self-esteem.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Oct-16 19:05:03

You sound like you'd be so much happier on your own! You can do it

Destinysdaughter Wed 26-Oct-16 19:07:32

I don't have children and I'm sure that has a big impact on your decision but if the purpose of a relationship is to feel loved, supported and connected, and that isn't there, why stay in it? I know it's scary the thought of being on your own, but if you are not getting your needs met, why stay? And you don't know, maybe you will meet someone who can fulfil those needs in the future? But if you don't take a risk, you will never know...

Destinysdaughter Wed 26-Oct-16 19:08:59

Can you tell us more about why you feel so lonely and unfulfilled in this relationship?

jeaux90 Wed 26-Oct-16 19:45:58

Nelly has it right. It's way more lonely in a bad relationship than it is being single. I love being a single parent, I am free and never lovely in fact now I relish the times I have alone. I have dated and done OLD, have lots of lovely friends and can do what the hell I want. Don't be scared to leave, be strong and get your life back xxx

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Wed 26-Oct-16 20:12:18

I am exactly where you are now and it's so shit. I spend my life second guessing myself.

No intimacy in relationship for almost two years, feeling so lonely and hurt by DHs detachment. But we soldier on and function well because of DS. On the outside, we are a strong couple-supportive of each other, friendly and get along well-but in reality, we have nothing but DS in common.

We started counselling about 6 weeks ago and it's been helpful as a place to talk but we're no further forward. He doesn't know if he loves me in the right way and I'm so wary of being rejected again.

He moved out three weeks ago and it's been so hard. I'm not unhappy but lonely and sad and mourning the days when things were good and the future I thought we had together.

It's a lonely and scary place. I have no idea what will happen, all I know is that I can't live another '30 years of my life as someone's afterthought. I deserve more.

26milesofcbeebies Wed 26-Oct-16 20:15:39

Tbh I don't know why I feel like this. There were lots of things and I think I tried to ignore them but instead they've just festered and I've detached as a way of coping with it as I don't have the energy to deal with dh and still meet the children's needs. But my needs are definitely not being met now!

I've had individual counselling prior to starting the marriage counselling. I think I gave up too much of myself and now I'm trying to get it back its rocking the status quo. Thing is, on the surface everything looks fine and it feels so selfish to say this isn't enough for me when it is for dh. I hope the children don't see it, but I would never want them to feel like this.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Wed 26-Oct-16 20:16:49

I posted too soon.

Being apart is a different kind of lonely. I've found it hurts less than when he was here because at least I'm not continually questioning myself or whether love is there. The communication lines are open but I know that if counselling and our own efforts don't work, I'll be fine. A lonely relationship is worse than being on your own, in my opinion.

26milesofcbeebies Wed 26-Oct-16 20:17:52

I'm sorry to hear that, hoppity. Im worried that's how I make dh feel, and that makes me feel more shit, and so I go round in circles.

Is your separation planned to be a temporary thing, or is that it?

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Wed 26-Oct-16 20:34:47

I honestly don't know. I want to be a family for DS but I can't live like this anymore.

The detachment is the absolute worst. I feel as though I no longer matter and the effort I've put into keeping things going has floored me. I'm so exhausted.

If you're not sure what you want, you owe it to your DH to have the conversations. It's absolutely awful but you can't sustain living that way. I would have much preferred my DH having the balls to confront his feelings and tell me he no longer loved me, than to continue being detached but pretending that he did want me/us. I feel cheated and so, so angry. If you want a positive outcome of staying together or having an amicable split, you need to be honest.

Mrskeats Wed 26-Oct-16 21:14:42

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.
There's a reason this is a proverb.
I've personally felt much worse in a bad relationship than when I've been single.
I'm divorced and in a relationship now for 18 months. The difference between the relationships is astounding at times.
Life is short and you don't want to spend it being miserable. Think very carefully about whether this is how you want to feel forever if nothing can change in your marriage.
I know it's a tough place to be believe me

yesterdaysunshine Wed 26-Oct-16 21:16:22

What do you think would be best for your children, OP?

26milesofcbeebies Thu 27-Oct-16 07:19:35

The best thing would be if I could make it work, so that they had two happy parents who live together. But otherwise I think they would be better if we separate because miserable parents can't be good for children.

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 07:33:56

You have to put yourself first here. I'd ignore the comments about your children, as if you're unhappy, they'll see right through things & get a really distorted view of what a relationship should look like.
Go for it Op & make the leap

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