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Not sure on whether I should cut my Dad off...[sad]

(9 Posts)
earlgreytea1 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:24:35

I'll try to keep this short.

I am in my early 20s and I am very close with my Mum, and always had a bit of a difficult relationship with my Dad who can be very nice, or very mean. He has never been physical with me but our arguments turn me into a different, horrible person. A few months ago, my Mum found out that he has been having an affair for almost FOUR years with a very unhinged woman who lives near us, that we know.

My Dad did not move out of the house for 3/4 months, so you can imagine how tense the atmosphere was. Though he has moved out now, he says that it is temporarily but I think he is just trying to get to my Mum and I. He is still popping back every few days to get his clothes/food etc. He is being very nice to me and does not want to lose our relationship, but he does not treat my Mum very nicely when I am not there. He texts me all quite a lot to say that he hops I'm ok, that he is always there for me etc and I say thank you, as I am polite and if I am rude to him he blames my Mum and it causes another argument. Though I feel that I am being disloyal to her and myself, I cannot get over the fact that he has lied to us for that long and his behaviour after was not even nice!

Basically I'm torn. Part of me loves my Dad, but I do not feel that I even know him but I do think that he does care about me. However he is very stubborn in his ways, and when he is not getting what he wants he turns mean. I do not want to regret cutting him off, either way I'm stressed and deeply saddened by the possible decision but I can't help wondering if it might be for the best, but I am not sure. I do not speak to any of this family, as the majority of them are cold and have cut me off.

Any advice please?!

Eightiesmate Wed 26-Oct-16 16:32:45

I would reduce contact for sure, just remain polite and civil but keep him at arms length. Don't get drawn into arguments - if he gets argumentative simply disengage.

Support your mum, she's the one that needs it more at the moment.

earlgreytea1 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:40:47

Sorry, I should have added how my Mum is my priority! She has been with him for 25 years. I just want her to be happy.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:43:30

Just go low contact with him. Short replays to text messages etc keep conversations brief and be busy when he suggests meeting up.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:43:44


ptumbi Wed 26-Oct-16 16:51:34

OP - part of me says he can still have a father-daughter relationship with you, and you can still support your mum BUT not if he is going to take out your (justified) anger at him on your mum. That's not on, and I;d say so.

My dad did the exact same thing to my mum, 25 years married, affair (which he blamed everyone else for, but himself) and his behaviour made me go NC with him; 24 years ago. So I may be the wrong person to ask, but I'd def go LC, at least while you support your mum. My mum had a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital, under psychiatric care, a suicide risk. Take care of her, and leave your father to lie in the bed he's made.

Why is he coming back all the time, anyway? Dragging it out? Not fair on your mum really. And if she's anything like mine, she will be desperate for any crumbs he will throw, thinking it will make her more attractive to him tghan 'her'....

Alwayschanging1 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:40:58

My advice would be not to get too caught up in this - it is between your mum and dad - the worst thing you can do is put yourself in the middle. Be there for your mum, but do not become her counsellor.
My folks split about 25 years ago and my mum became completely dependent on me - I have spent the last 25 years trying and failing to recreate some boundaries.
I have been NC for with my dad for 10 years now - it's not a great place to be and I would not recommend it.
Your instinct is to look after your mum, but be aware that might not work out very well in the long term. I know I sound selfish, but my relationship with my mum is now awful because she always wants more than I can give and that makes us both thoroughly miserable. If I'd kept more distance I might not be NC with my dad and I might have a healthy relationship with my mum.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight Wed 26-Oct-16 17:53:14

Do you have any siblings?

earlgreytea1 Wed 26-Oct-16 19:28:11

@GettingitwrongHauntingatnight, yes, one older brother who has moved out and does not have a good relationship with our Dad anyway.

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