I was in a very abusive relationship st the very young age of 15, i.e. Strangled until I passed out, bitten so hard I'd bleed, dragged down the stairs, forced to have sex etc....
since then i think my perception is warped of what "abuse" is.
My partner in arguments makes awful remarks on my looks and personality, grabs my face and throat, throws things including stuff of mine, and has even spat in my face once!
Where he's not HURTING me I feel like it's ok as he isn't all a bad person and is lovely the rest of the time... but this isn't normal is it?
At what point would you leave?
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At what point do you deem a relationship abusive?
25 replies
Sweetdisposition91 · 26/10/2016 15:48
OP posts:
WickerLoveHearts ·
26/10/2016 15:58
First of all 
And secondly, it's really not normal 
. Although arguments ARE common as people can't agree on everything, the way he is treating you isn't.
Imagine a friend was telling you their partner treated them like this, would you tell them to stay? This is emotional and physical abuse and you need to leave soon before it escalates, I and many others, would hate to see you in the same situation as when you were 15.
You say he isn't hurting you, but he must be when he's putting you down about your appearance, grabbing your face and throat and spitting in your face. Although you might not be getting AS hurt compared to your previous relationship, it's still not healthy to stay.
OP you deserve someone who treats you as an equal and would never dream of laying a finger on you in anger and you will find them, but not while you are tied to your current partner.
I am not as experienced as other mumsnetters who will probably offer better advice.
But, once again,
MostlyHet ·
26/10/2016 16:09
Not normal at all.
In fact the throat grabbing puts it way up at the extreme end of DV - it's one of the factors police use to assess how dangerous DV is, and strangulation is one of the warning flags for DV possibly escalating to murder.
0808 2000 247 phone no. for Women's Aid.
Their website also has lots of handy hints on using the internet safely - deleting history, using private browsing, etc.
As to "at what point should you leave?" Well, given the seriousness, as soon as is practically possible. But I understand (my sister spent 20 years in an abusive marriage) that it's easier said than done. So I guess my question to you would be "what do you need to put in place in order to leave?" Do you have children together? Do you have relatives/friends nearby you could go and stay with in an emergency? (I'm guessing if your first abusive relationship was aged only 15, your background might have been a difficult one, and family are perhaps not the first place you'd turn to). Can you put together the money for a deposit on a room? Would you be prepared to consider a hostel? (There are many, many women here who have used hostels - don't think of them as terrible place, they can truly be life-saving places).
and keep posting.
AnnieKenney ·
26/10/2016 16:13
What you describe is abuse and some of the things you have said make it as serious as the abuse you previously experienced. In a recent review of women who were murdered by their partners, not all had a history of physical violence but the thing that almost all had was a history of coercive control - especially controlling behaviour that denoted contempt (such as spitting in your face). Grabbing your throat is also a HUGE red flag. This is NOT normal. The line into abuse was crossed long long ago. You don't have to put up with it. You deserve better. Much better.
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