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He's gone and I feel so lost

(57 Posts)
WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:27:06

I posted on 2april that I thought my hbiie of 20 yrs wanted out
Screen shot attached
On 6th April he admitted he had been having an affair for almost a year
I knew the other woman
He left
We heard zero for 6 weeks, divorce is going through after a bit of hassle
I have remained dignified,nursed my parent through the most horrific cancer
He is still alive now
Kept my job going
Struggled to support the two kids who will not see their dad
I am a constant taxi etc
Kept on top of a stressful job
People see me as very happy successful etc etc
But I am so broken I don't know what to do
I feel like he has died
I seem to have the weight of the world on my shoulders, been for mammogram this week waiting on results,no one knows
I am falling out with my teen girl as she wants a taxi service constantly etc
I am knackered beyond belief, I went to docs who I have known all my life, he says I'm fine
I feel just an emotional wreck I have friends but people don't want to be burdened everyone has their own stuff going on.
I don't feel like I can let my guard down and so many people are relying on me
Youngest has mild SEN and in last year at school he is mega stressed and not coping.
I don't even know why I am writing this I just need to get it out of my head.
My hubbie has zero contact so there is just me, I don't have family who can help I just feel like I am drowning and it's so rubbish.i didn't want the marriage to end, he has said he wants her, she is still with her husband

How on earth am I in this mess seven months on,I feel absolutely lost😢😢😢

MatildaTheCat Wed 26-Oct-16 13:35:44

Your friends would want to support you, surely? Please do confide in someone. Asking for some support isn't becoming a burden, it's about friendship. I'd be upset if my friends didn't talk to me. I suspect you've been too good at putting on a brave face and coping.

Your GP is wrong. You are not fine. Maybe not clinically depressed but not fine. Can you request some counselling? Either through your GP or a local service? Some will provide this at low cost.

Your dd is a teenager so being selfish and stroppy is to be expected but again, you are allowed to have feelings. Tell her you are low and sad. She might just take it on board and give you a little support.

Do you have any other family? Really just anyone who can share just some of this with. It sounds really shit and if you absolutely can't speak to anyone in RL, keep posting here for others who have been through this and survived.

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:35:55

Sorry just to add, I don't want him back now as I know it wouldn't work but I just feel like I am letting everyone down, I feel just sad really
Everyone says oh your so strong your amazing etc etc which is lovely but I don't feel it I feel alone even though I have a busy life.i feel like all my life has been a lie since I married
The kids look to me for everything which is lovely but draining, they are fantastic kids but I feel I am not enough for them or my parent and work divorce dog etc etc etc.every day is such a battle.
I have a very public job that requires me to be super happy and motivated etc,everyone thinks I spend my life with not a dare in the world
I do know many are much worse off but I really am struggling at the mo

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:39:35

Thanks Matilda I do talk to a few friends but seven months on I sound like a broken record
I am really lucky I have my friends
Neighbours are great too and I am super practical.
My family have so many worries already I can't turn to them honestly,they don't need to hear it.
Dd was daddy's princess so she's a bit lost too really it's been a massive shock, I don't want to burden the kids they shouldn't have to see my worries.
Parents are the people who fix things not fall apart and their dad has just completely dumped them so I must steer them through it
Maybe I will go back to doc,thank you x

alwayshappy101 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:44:28

Poor you OP.

You are going through a tremendous amount of stress at the moment.not just the divorce,but everything on top as well.

May I be forward and ask if you are on antidepressants?if not they may help.

Ask your doctor to refer you to somebody you can talk to if you think your friends won't listen.

You need to sit your dd down and tell her that with all you're going through at the moment you can't continue driving her around everywhere-it may just be that as you're acting strong she may not realise how down/busy you actually are.

Try to make a day for yourself each week where you can have a bit of me time-get nails done,get massage,or just go for a quiet walk somewhere and leave your phone at home.

You are not lost-this is the start of a new chapter in your life.
Perhaps redecorate to your specific tastes.watch all the films your h doesn't like,make the meals you love but h didn't.
make the most of it.

I'm sorry to hear about your df,could you not make a call to social services and see if a nurse could come a couple times a week to give you a break?

I wish you all the best op,and remember you won't feel like this forever.

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:52:20

Thank you always happy,
I decorated living room we never eat the same anymore
My friends will listen but I just feel like I am drowning on and on I should be feeling better
Some days I could take on the world others I want to curl up and die but to everyone else I am bomb proof
My dad has had life changing facial surgery and needs a lot of support, he won't let social services get involved, just us
I have a brother and sister but they both have their won worries and we are not massively close, we share the load but dad expects us there every single day.
I just feel like it's a tsunami of shite that is never ending, my work means a lot of travel often driving 100-150 miles a day I love my friends job kids family dog etc etc and really people are much worse off but I just feel completely overwhelmed at the moment like I just couldn't take anymore without breaking.its so unlike me.
I think the trouble is I have taken a few days off work and I have stopped to think.
I sleep very little and keep myself ridiculous
Y busy as I am aware if I stop I might crumble...I think in my sensible head my dd just pushed a step too far and I am breaking, the added worry with the mamogram isn't helping.i am so scared how the kids would manage if anything happened to me

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:53:22

Sorry no not on anything I try to avoid meds, I am maybe having a bit too much wine at times but nothing major xx

Humblebee1 Wed 26-Oct-16 14:00:51

Op it is OK to feel like this. You are human. You must allow yourself to open up, have a good cry and allow yourself to grieve for your marriage. You can't bottle everything up. Please talk to someone, your daughter is going to be upset, but that's not your fault. Maybe letting her in on your feelings would help you both, and you could support each other.

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 14:06:10

Thank you humble, dd is at work and ds out, I have literally sat under a blanket and cried all day today,I have never ever done that in my life.
Maybe it's a good thing.
I obviously am not handling this in the best way, I definately don't want to add to the kids stress,they so don't deserve it.i will get out with the dog soon and see how I feel,what a bloomin mess
I just need to get a grip I guess it's just hard xxxx
I do appreciate the replies and advice

Hotwaterbottle1 Wed 26-Oct-16 14:20:56

Im usually rubbish with advice but couldn't not reply. Please go back to the GP, I'm worried you are trying to be too strong and you are going to crumble badly. Please speak to your children and just let them know you are strong but sometimes you need their support too. Is your daughter old enough to drive?

I did the whole bottling up thing & got such a row from my friends when I broke down. Pick one or two you can confide in, have on the end of a text/whatsapp.

Hope you are ok after your walk. flowers

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:11:40

Thank you she is learning but failed twice,had a walk and coffee with a friend, hoping tomorrow is not as gloomy x

alwayshappy101 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:24:37

I know you say that your brother and sister have their own troubles and you are not particularly close,but could you try to strengthen your relationship with them?
Perhaps ask them over for a glass of wine soon.

My sister is my go to person whenever I'm down and I'm hers.we can both have a really good moan and we can try to make light of the other ones situations.

Xxx

WorriedWife2016 Wed 26-Oct-16 18:02:32

We are close I suppose but not lovey dovey none of us talk about our troubles,my brothers wife is epileptic and my sisters hubbie is currently very poorly so I really don't want to burden them with my worries.
I think I will maybe speak to my doctor again he's a good egg and was probably trying to compliment me saying I didn't need anything
I am terrible at asking for help, I am my own worst enemy so stubborn that I can do it all myself.
It's not a good trait,I would urge others to seek help when needed xxx

1DAD2KIDS Wed 26-Oct-16 23:30:10

Been in a similar situation. Ex left me and kids for a step relative, left raising two young kids, working full time, sorting a divorce, moving house and family alone, completely heart broken and lost. It's a real shit sandwich, but the only option is to keep moving and keep pushing through. It's 100% knackering but what can you do? When you have kids relying on you failure is not an option. And it sounds like you are doing a great job. But all that exhaustion, pressure and emotions builds up fast if not vented.

My number one bit of advise (the thing that has helped me so much) is to talk. Talk as much as you can, as openly as you can and don't be afraid to cry and let it all pour out. I started on here that was a great help. Talk to friends, relatives and/or professionals. It's scary as I was never the sort to air my dirty washing in public. Be you'll be surprised how open your friends and family actually are and how good it feels to talk.

WorriedWife2016 Thu 27-Oct-16 04:58:40

Thanks 1 dad I think your right, I felt better just getting it out of my head, going to speak to doc abs best friend this week, thank you

joangray38 Thu 27-Oct-16 05:48:25

So sorry op, if I were you I would go back to the doctors and ask for help. I know it sounds harsh but I would also insist to your dad that he accepted help from social services as you have so much on you are not coping. You have been his rock but now you need help. You are juggling so many plates and there is no one to help you and I think you need to tell him that otherwise they are all going to come crashing down . Hope it gets better for you .

Humblebee1 Thu 27-Oct-16 07:45:22

Hi*worriedwife*, hope you are doing OK today? Well done for having the good cry, it will at least help relieve tension. What a good post from 1dad2 kids. Remember to be kind to yourself, you deserve support too.flowers

WorriedWife2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 04:44:31

Thank you, I just feel totally overwhelmed.dad will not ever allow anyone else to help, I know it's ridiculous but he gets so annoyed and really makes you feel bad
I feel like I am living in a parallel universe where only crap happens, I reversed the car into a bloody post tonight arggghhhh
I am a really positive person usually but after months of constant crap I just feel exhausted
I know I have a million things to be greatful for, I spoke to husband about ten days ago to try to get things sorted, I asked if he missed us and he said not really cost he kids were never in and only used him as a taxi etc
I asked if it was worth it and he said he's in a better place now 😢😢😢
But I'm not....I feel like a toddler I just want to scream it's not fair, not on me or the kids , my dad, anyone
I'm going round in circles I know and when I'm busy I don't think as much but I have been manically busy since he left just keeping moving forward and now I'm just worn out but when I stop I think and then feel so incredibly sad.
25 yr together has gone my whole life is different now and I just don't know where to start, not on a practical level but on an emotional one X
Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate it

HappyJanuary Fri 28-Oct-16 05:27:15

I'm going through the same thing op, and don't sleep either.

I can't offer much advice because I still feel traumatised by the whole experience and I'm further along than you.

The only thing I would say is that it's okay to tell your kids how you feel, given they are old enough to understand what's happening. I pretended to cope for their benefit but one day they heard me crying in my room and it prompted a discussion. It was the best thing that could've happened. We talked, cried, hugged and we have been much closer since, they have been more thoughtful and considerate. It is so nice to feel that we are a little supportive unit.

In your case I think you also have to be honest with your parents and siblings, you deserve their support, or at least no extra burdens and pressures. You will be no good to anyone if you fall apart. Look after yourself, nobody else will!

On good days I am happy I ended the marriage and excited for the future but on bad days I am so sad about everything I lost, feel like my past is a lie and my future is uncertain and bleak. Gradually I think the good days are outnumbering the bad, that will happen for you too with time.

One last thing - don't discuss sensitive issues with your ex. Asking him about his new life is self flagellation. He will paint a rosy picture to hurt you and convince himself it was worth it. He won't tell you the truth so don't ask. Statistically his new relationship is likely to fail but your job now is to show him that you don't care and you are excitedly embarking on a life that's better for not having a betraying lying cruel bastard in it.

WorriedWife2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 06:51:30

Happy, thank you, how you describe your past as a lie and future uncertain is exactly how I feel
Yes I know I shouldn't have asked him but it's like a bloody itch, I just had to ask
I wanted him to say no it wasn't worth it
I would never take him back but I want him to be hurt to I guess, I. Know that's a bit mean but I jist want him to see the devastation he has left while sort it himself out.
I will talk to my dd but not my ds as he is really really mega stressed with it all and I am his only anchor at the moment, he really does not need me falling apart.
I am hoping to be like your name, happy in January, this really has been a truly horrendous year
How far on are you,can you actually see a point where it's going to be ok xxx

HappyJanuary Fri 28-Oct-16 07:22:53

I'm almost two years on. Whether I can see an end to it all depends on what day you ask me. I would say that I often feel proud of what I've achieved, and thankful that I am free of a deceitful man.

My DD struggled with it all, similar to how you describe your DS. She was very hurt by his betrayal and devastated by the tearing apart of the family unit. She self harmed and received counselling. My son was on antidepressants.

I don't know why unfaithful spouses can't see the inevitable end result of their affair when they're in the midst of that exciting affair fog, and either leave the marriage honourably or think about what they stand to lose and pull back.

But the counselling, and talking between ourselves once it happened, revealed that a lot of their worries were for and about me. In their own way, they were trying to be strong and avoid talking about it for my benefit in case it upset me. They were worried about hurting me by still loving their dad, They were worried about my future, and practical things that they felt selfish for thinking about. They were angry that I was pretending to be ok when they knew I couldn't be ok, even though they understood I was doing it for their benefit.

We're in a much healthier place now. We talk openly, all of us. I can come home from work and say that I'm feeling a bit flat and they put the kettle on and we watch a movie. They talk to me or phone me if something has upset them. I still put a broadly positive spin on things, but I'm not putting on an act that they could see right through anyway.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this too. Such selfish men, feeling that their right to happiness trumps everyone else's. My ex said he felt he deserved his affair because 'you only get one life'. Yes, and so do I, and so do your children, and so does everyone else hurt by your actions.

Hang on in there op. You're grieving a man who never existed. Be thankful your marriage produced lovely children, be thankful he's someone else's problem now and start taking small steps towards building a life for yourself.

Broodle99 Fri 28-Oct-16 08:21:23

This is my very first post on mn, as I felt compelled to reply to say please please arrange carers for your dad to take some of the pressure off you. When my mum was very ill she was adamant that she didn't want carers, and my dad struggled on for ages with little support. But in the end mum's GP intervened and arranged for regular care... And do you know what, the carers were absolutely wonderful, and mum loved them! It also freed my dad, sisters and I from the drudgery/stress of personal care, and gave us all - Inc mum - something closer to our old relationship back. Don't waste your time trying to persuade your dad, just crack on and make the arrangements.

I have no other advice, but I really hope you find a way to relieve the pressure (would post flowers, if I had any idea how).

WorriedWife2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 08:52:13

Thank you both
January I see so many similarities and your advice is right I know xxx
My dad simply won't have carers broodle I really wish he would he gets very abusive and it's so hard to watch, he genuinely believes he is living independently when he gets all housework shopping taking to and fro etc done for him, at best he put something in a microwave but that's all.
He really flatly refuses any outside help even though he knows the pressures we are all under, my poor sister takes most of his care
He gets narked if you don't go every single day and if grandkids don't go.
He is lovely but old and tired and very poorly.
As for hubbie he just seems to have walked away from all responsibility, and to do this while we are going through all this with my dad just seems cruel.
I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself
I have the kids and they mean the world to me,it's his loss but I wish he would actually give a shit.
He does the financial responsibility so I guess that's good that I don't have that battle
He hasn't signed the house over yet but if I extend the mortgage til I am 65 I can afford to stay here so that's good.
Thanks again, it's helping to get it all out here x

Broodle thank you for taking the time for your first post x

WorriedWife2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:43:53

I have made an appointment to see my doc but can't get in til 18th Nov
I am sat at work feeling physically sick,it all just seems to have hit me this week which is 7 months on.
I just want to sit and cry,good grief this is so unlike me,I don't feel I know who I am anymore.
I'm sorry I just can't see an end, I have mailed my solicitor for an update and been to the body repair shop about the car,going to try and give myself a shake and get a grip X

Chloecoconut Fri 28-Oct-16 10:02:24

Worried wife - apologies for the short reply - have to be out the door in 5.

Can you get an appointment to see a counsellor? Long story short I did this after a massive breakdown just before Easter and just to be able to talk to someone who was completely out of the situation helped no end. It might just tide you over until you can get to the docs? I paid £40 for an hours session, I couldn't really afford it but it was a godsend in the long run. I found someone local online and phoned her and she managed to fit me in the same week.

Also can you phone your doctors back and ask for an emergency appointment? If you are feeling this bad it IS an emergency.

Big hugs.

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