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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I wrong to be angry at my mum

40 replies

sammyjayneex · 26/10/2016 13:23

So my mum ringing me saying it's doing her head in not seeing me and my kids yet she won't get on a fucking bus and visit us. She expects my DH to go pick her up and bring her over because he drives and she doesn't. If my DH can't bring her due to work and petrol costs she will ask my uncle as he drives but he's it around much as news flash he has his own life but she moans she doesn't see us yet can't be arsed to get a bus!!
My DH probably could pick her up before he goes to work but he says why should we make all the effort and why should he spend his petrol picking her up when she could get a bus. Am I right? Arnt mothers supposed to make an effort???? She waits until she can get a lift to see her grandchildren or expects us to go to hers!!! Just to point out she's in her 40s, isn't disabled or anything so she's quite capable of making an effort. I have kept my distance from her to be honest because of her lack of effort.

OP posts:

Report

LineyReborn · 26/10/2016 13:28

Is she very hard up for money for bus fares? Or does she hate the bus? Just wondering what her reasons are.

corythatwas · 26/10/2016 13:37

Do you take it in turns to visit, or does she feel it is all up to her? (unless you have recently given birth there is no reason it shouldn't be 50-50)

sammyjayneex · 26/10/2016 13:51

I had a baby 5 months ago, I have 5 children altogether. I have school runs to juggle and it's a lot harder for me to take 5 kids on a bus on the school holidays than it is for. She has NEVER made her own way to my house. She always expects a lift. She can't complain of having no money when she's smokes and spends money on cigs and pays for taxis to get to her boyfriends. She makes excuses that she doesn't like busses because we was on a coach crash when I was about 8 ( no one was seriously injured just shook up. But by now she should have got over it. I was in that crash but I still get buses or trams when I need to. The tram stop is just outside her house and goes straight to mine. We are the ones who go to her, even took kids out at night for a surprise visit in her birthday but never makes the same effort. She just winds me up really bad

OP posts:

sammyjayneex · 26/10/2016 13:51

Oh and my DH works full time so it's not always possible for him to drive everyone round

OP posts:

HuskyLover1 · 26/10/2016 13:57

OMG, that's totally ridiculous. I assumed at first that she was elderly, but then you said she was mid 40's! And the tram stops outside her house!!

Of course she should hop on the tram.

fwiw, I am 46, my DD is at Uni, some 2.5 hours away. Her birthday is next week. I am driving to the station, getting a train up there, taking her out for dinner and then staying in a hotel no way am I staying in Halls It's what Mum's do!

adora1 · 26/10/2016 13:59

Just ask her why she has an aversion to public transport, maybe she has a reason?

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/10/2016 14:04

Both you and your mum should learn to drive. You both seem overly reliant on other people.

furryminkymoo · 26/10/2016 14:23

You have to be up front, ask her around on X day and suggest that she gets the bus. If she asks for a lift say no, if she says that she cant come ask her why she won't use the bus?

FromTheTree · 26/10/2016 16:43

What I got from your post OP was lack of love.

If there's love there's all kinds of ways to sort things out.

SleepyHare · 26/10/2016 16:48

oliversmum how does op seem reliant on other people

2rebecca · 26/10/2016 16:52

I'm in my 50s but do most of the travelling to see my son who is a student in another city. I am also much more bothered about seeing him than he is about seeing me.
Your mum is young, and sounds more bothered about seeing you and your kids than you are seeing her. With 5 kids it's harder for you to visit as well.
I'd just be telling her she's welcome to visit if she wants to.
The bus issue is never going to go away until she starts using them.

OurBlanche · 26/10/2016 16:57

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

Mum, you know where we are...

LineyReborn · 26/10/2016 17:03

If she's on a tram route and she's young and healthy there a no excuse really.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/10/2016 21:04

Sleepyhare - because both expect the others to fetch and carry them both. From my understanding the ops dm wants the dh to come and collect her and drop her off at the ops house and equally the op whilst occasionally getting the bus with 5 children she finds it difficult so relies on either her dm coming to hers or she gets a lift from dh to go to dms.

Put it this way if both were able to drive there would be no discussion.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 21:30

Sounds like a smart move to keep your distance. If she is bothered enough, she will get the bus or a taxi.

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:47

sammy I just read your op and not the replys but seriously I could have written it myself. My mother couldn't s exactly the same. And has a bus pass as well, but its beneath her to. I always feel annoyed, then guilty cos she's my mum after all.

2rebecca · 26/10/2016 22:08

Why all this feeling guilty? If I want to see my kids I move hell and I high water to see them. Most divorced parents who have had to go out of their way to keep contact with their kids will say the same. It's just a frigging bus, or tram. A major drama over nothing. If she REALLY wanted to see you she'd come. She can't be arsed is the truth of it and feels guilty for not being that bothered so tries to make your husband ferry her around.
Agree with Our Blanche.
Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to see you she'd make the effort.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 22:27

My mum is similar! If I don't visit for long enough she will haul herself here but then I always end up feeling guilty her getting the bus in the dark if after work so I drive her and get home at stupid o'clock (with kids!)
and she's always complaining she hasn't seen them

SleepyHare · 27/10/2016 09:36

It's a lot easier for a single person to get on a tram than someone with 5 kids, plus if they're young you'd have to take loads of stuff too.

Driving might not be an option it's expensive and you'd need a bigger car fir 5 kids. I don't think it's selfish for op to expect her mum to come to her, I think it's sensible for everyone involved to be honest.

2rebecca · 27/10/2016 09:43

I wonder what happens to make some parents develop this "you must come to us" view.
Most of us as parents spend a lot of time ferrying kids around and taking kids to activities.
The higher education board is full of parents visiting their kids at uni and ferrying them back and forth with their stuff.
When do these parents decide they'll stay at home and not budge or is it a different subset of parents who have never ventured much out of the house?

Myusernameismyusername · 27/10/2016 09:48

It's a really bad ingrained habit. She sees me as much more flexible as a driver although she has more free time than I do. We have had many rows about how tiring driving can be and what's expected of me because she doesn't drive.
Added to this she is unfit and over weight and all round it's just easier to rely on me. But I resent it

SheldonCRules · 27/10/2016 11:18

You both sound as bad as each other, you are reliant on your DH and expect others to do the running around due to your lifestyle choice of multiple children. Your mum is reliant on others due to not being able to drive and doesn't see why she is the one that has to make an effort when you don't. Tit for tat.

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KinkyAfro · 27/10/2016 11:53

There's some bollocks being spouted on here again, where does it say op is reliant on her DH, and even if she was, surely that's a decision that has been by them both

KinkyAfro · 27/10/2016 11:54

made

forumdonkey · 27/10/2016 12:09

SheldonCRules, what a crock of shit. A single adult is far easier traveling than an adult with children.

OP you are right to be annoyed and angry with your DM. It sounds like she CBA

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