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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

is his behaviour unfair / selfish?

32 replies

missyB1 · 26/10/2016 12:45

Ok so I think our marriage has over the years developed this pattern of whenever i want to go somewhere / do something it can only happen if it doesn't inconvenience my husband. Its not that hes controlling about me doing my own thing, but hes not willing to put himself out to facilitate me doing something for myself. I however have always been expected to juggle all the balls of house / childcare etc.. in order to facilitate his career and interests. I gave up work due to childcare issues (he never took responsibility for any of that) and he was the main earner by a long shot anyway.
He works long hard hours in a stressful job and earns decent money and is very generous with it so no complaints about that. But because its always been about his career taking priority its as if that has extended itself to home life too. For example, I want to travel up to the midlands to drop Christmas presents to my family on a day in December, I need him to stay at home and look after our young puppy for the day. He says i can only do it on a Sunday as hes working all week and likes to go and watch Rugby on a Saturday, however the trains are crap on a Sunday and the journey becomes hellish. But he wont consider altering his plans, he says as he paid for a season ticket he MUST go to all home games. the same if i wanted to go anywhere or do anything really, it must not interfere with what he wants to do. However he can go to four or five conferences abroad each year (not compulsory, entirely voluntary he just enjoys them) and he doesn't give a moments thought about me on my own with child and puppy. Same with his Rugby games.
I have tried to raise this with him numerous times but he thinks im being unreasonable and is very clever at arguing his case. I end up feeling guilty.

Also I am very keen to get back into work, whenever i mention that idea he comes up with lots of reasons why that would be difficult. And I know the responsibility for childcare and dog care would be all mine.

I don't know how to get through to him. Suggestions?

OP posts:

Report

Olddear · 26/10/2016 12:49

You can't get through to him. There is no-one more important than him. You are, after all only the housekeeper, why should he please you?

ChuckBiscuits · 26/10/2016 12:51

Suggestions? That you live in separate houses and he pays you a portion of his income towards his kids expenses might sort it.

TheNaze73 · 26/10/2016 12:52

They won't be at home every weekend in December.

QuiteLikely5 · 26/10/2016 12:53

Yes tell him that you will be going to deliver those presents and that you'll be leaving the dog and child in his care. If he doesn't like it then he needs to sort something out.

Of course he doesn't want you to go back to work - he won't have a skivvy anymore!!

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 13:01

Yes. Tell him your going and stay over as well, you could do with the break. He can book a couple of days off work surely if he can't miss his precious rugby.

missyB1 · 26/10/2016 13:02

Oh God you are all right, I've been trying not to think the worst of him because he can be so lovely to me. But I do feel like a skivvy. I do partly blame myself because I have allowed this to happen, it sort of snuck up on me without me noticing. I have to just start doing stuff whether it suits him or not, it won't go down well at all but hey ho!

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 13:15

Why do you need his permission to get a job? Just do it.

Then stop facilitating his work over yours. Be equally selfish.

Think to yourself "what would Mr Missy do when faced with this decision?" then that's your default action.

Of course he won't like it. Got to be ready to weather that storm. No sane person would like to give up their free house elf.

adora1 · 26/10/2016 13:19

That is bloody awful, who is he the King of everything, sorry OP, I couldn't live like this, in his shadow, no way!

Msqueen33 · 26/10/2016 13:21

Oh my god your life is mind except two kids have special needs, we have no dog and the sport is different. My dh is exactly the same. He's out three nights this week with his hobby. It doesn't seem to matter what I think as the games he's playing need to be played this week.

I'm at loss to but seriously fed up and fucked off with it. I feel frequently disrespected and that a lot of my ideas for days out don't happen as his ideas are better.

Stormtreader · 26/10/2016 13:27

"Ill be out all day on Sat 5th so you'll have the puppy and child"
"I cant do that, ill be at the Rugby"
"You'll have to get someone to look after them then, maybe your mum would do it for you?"

He presents things as a done deal, thats what you have to do as well. Seem baffled by the idea that he would have an issue with it - after all, you just CANT, youre OUT, at the rugby your friends house.

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 14:07

Totally agree with pp - you are not his employee, you're his wife. He doesn't get to dispose of your Saturdays for the year

While he is at work, your job is caring for the children. When he isn't at work, caring for the children is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Msqueen33 · 26/10/2016 14:22

Don't know if your dh employs the same tactic but mine says how busy he is at work, how everyone else at his work is useless, how his hobby is the only thing he does for himself, he has always done his hobby which is why the still just signs up. Oh and how he's so sorry.

missyB1 · 26/10/2016 15:23

Msqueen that's exactly what he says! How he works so hard that he needs the weekend to do what he wants to relax! And oh yes he's sorry but he simply has to do his thing or he would be totally miserable!

Storm is right I have to start presenting things as a done deal and let him deal with it.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 26/10/2016 15:31

Tell him that Sunday won't work for you because of the trains, so which Saturday does he suggest he watches the dog?

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 16:13

As if you aren't working hard - seriously cheeky and entitled. Just do it, OP. He will have to miss rugby for once.

Olddear · 26/10/2016 16:34

You may not actually LEAVE your house to go to work, but who does he think does the cleaning, the laundry? who does he think looks after his children all day? Where does his clean clothes appear from, the towels he uses? Who cooks his meals?
He's a great big manipulative baby who treats you like an unpaid housekeeper, someone he doesn't have to answer to, it's all about him.
I can't stand him from here.

honeyroar · 26/10/2016 16:42

Next time he says he's sorry but he absolutely do his thin or he would be miserable, say "what miserable like you make me feel preventing me from EVER doing my thing. Do you truly believe that I am less important than you? You may be superb at your job, but you're NOT superb as a partner!"

jeaux90 · 26/10/2016 17:04

Just get a job he can't stop you. He's being a real nob and running your life for you. What a diva he is!! When you go back to work, get a cleaner or whatever and then put a list on the wall with the shared tasks, he'll love that

DonaldStott · 26/10/2016 17:18

Oh god. As a pp said, he is the king of.the manor and he knows it. Why you took on extra responsibility of a puppy, only god knows. And stopping you from getting a job!!! Is he your partner, or your dictator! Come on OP. Grow a pair and tell him to start respecting you!

Olddear · 26/10/2016 17:46

Next time you say you have to deliver the Christmas and he gives you the story about he simply cannot miss his rugby and he'll be miserable if he does just say 'that's a shame, now back to me'

missyB1 · 26/10/2016 19:23

Donald he made the appointment to view the puppies and promised ds he could have one, it wasn't my decision. But of course I was left with the hard work of looking after / training her.
The weird thing is I am capable of being an assertive person but he manages to make me feel like I'm being unreasonable. I suppose he's just extremely good at getting his own way!
I did wonder if the puppy was another way of binding me to the house but it sounds paranoid to say that!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/10/2016 19:26

Just book your train ticket and go

What is he going to do...dump the rug rats on the street ?

He is not the boss of you. Your weekends are equally as precious as his.

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missyB1 · 26/10/2016 20:16

Yes I am going to just book the ticket. He will sulk and be a big martyr about it, but I can put up with that. I need to stop worrying about rocking the boat.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/10/2016 20:18

Just ignore the whining

You are entitled to your own life, that does not simply reflect his, too

ANewStartOverseas · 26/10/2016 20:34

Do it but more importantly do it again and again.
Not to make a point but you just cannot live a life where everything has to be done on his terms.

If you think that being able to do is important and more important, in that case, than his need for 'some time off' etc, yu need to start acting as if you try lucid believe this the case yourself.
If you are always giving up to his needs, you are in effect saying that he is right and your needs aren't that important compare to his.

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