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Reasonable time to think?

(30 Posts)
happyinherts Wed 26-Oct-16 11:45:03

So my lovely six date friendship appears to be on rocky ground and I thought it was fine.

Felt ill on the last date but didn't want to burden him with it. Told him later that I'd experienced an intolerance to a food and ended up in A&E. After the weekend was very surprised not to have even received a 'how are you message.' He was at work but able to text etc. I did send a general message asking was everything okay, bad vibes.

Hours later on his way home from work I receive the following - "I like you very much and I've always enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I'm not sure where I see things going in the long term and I don't want to lead you on only to let you down later."

Fair enough, but it's a bit ambiguous - he isn't sure? Or is this a goodbye wrapped up in nice clothing? And anyway, when was he going to mention it? Nice to receive such on screen, isn't it... My reply was to ask whether he'd made his mind up and was it worth discussing in person because I thought that was the decent thing to do.

Yes, he said he was open to discussion and hadn't made his mind up. I suggested he think about this and make an arrangement with me at some point... Thing is, how long is reasonable to wait. It's a killer. This man is kind, polite, gentlemanly, gave no impression he wasn't happy (which he clearly isn't)... Is it a fob off, as in he'll disappear off my planet or do I leave it a week, take bull by horns with little expectation and ask for clarity?

I'm not at that point yet, don't wish to be publically humiliated but what would you all do? Leave it with no expectation, start all over again although you do want clarity or ask for a meet at some point next week?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 26-Oct-16 11:47:39

I don't want to lead you on only to let you down
This is NOT ambiguous.
Seriously. He's letting you down gently.
He's paving the way to keep you hanging on then let you down.
Shag and then leave I would imagine.
He's telling you loud and clear who he is.
Step away.
Ignore, block, delete and move on.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Oct-16 11:47:57

After such a short space of time there is nothing to discuss, what good will come of it?

He has let you down nicely and I think you should turn your attention to pastures new smile

donajimena Wed 26-Oct-16 11:49:15

Knock it on the head.

ziggitypop Wed 26-Oct-16 11:52:28

He's not interested, he's trying to finish things in a nice way. Was probably going to finish it directly after the last date but felt he couldn't as you were ill and he would have felt bad. He didn't want to say no to meeting up (charitable: he doesn't want to upset you, less charitable:he wants to keep you on a back burner just in case)
Sorry to be harsh but honestly don't waste any more time over this one. Move on with your head high, concentrate on the lots of other lovely people out there and don't chase him.
Sorry again brewcake

adora1 Wed 26-Oct-16 11:52:51

Discuss what, trying to change his mind, he is letting you down gently, time to walk away now.

PoldarksBreeches Wed 26-Oct-16 11:53:59

He's dumping you, sorry

happyinherts Wed 26-Oct-16 12:08:16

We hadn't discussed where things were leading... That was the first mention of the subject. It wasn't a sexual relationship but I wanted it to be, and hoped for... I was intending to bring up the subject soon, but unexpectedly binned off it seems.

My point was 'he isn't sure' and open to discussion, hadn't made mind up - and we're adults. We haven't discussed this, so no one's leading anyone on to let them down if we discuss what we're thinking.

Seems like I'm deluded and it is a fob off in nice clothing.

ladyformation Wed 26-Oct-16 12:09:32

Yep, no ambiguity there I'm afraid. I'd respond "thanks for being honest. Best of luck" or something like that, then delete if you're likely to ever drunk call and move on. Sorry, it's rubbish chocolate

lizzieoak Wed 26-Oct-16 12:19:01

I'd also add that after six dates, even in the almost wholly unlikely event you could discuss things & he could discover great enthusiasm, you deserve someone who is sure about things w no discussion needed. Sets a bad precedent imo.

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:20:20

It's a polite way of saying jog on.

One step on from ghosting, but spineless but, he's saying he's not into you. Forget about it, it was only 6 dates & is already in the past.

Good luck & the rest of your life starts today smile

Morporkia Wed 26-Oct-16 13:25:00

He hasn't made his mind up? that would be enough for me, i'm afraid.
sorry if you liked him, but he doesn't sound like he is willing to emotionally invest in a relationship with you... flowers

MaisieDotes Wed 26-Oct-16 13:30:07

God no. Don't wait a week or any of that. There's no ambiguity at all- he's ended things.

LittleTripToHeaven Wed 26-Oct-16 14:07:21

He's ended it.

You were supposed to accept it. You weren't supposed to ask if you could meet to discuss it.

All the "not sure" stuff is just kicking the can down the road. He wants to avoid an awkward emotional scene (on text or otherwise) and so is just hoping you will take the hint from his disinterest.

Might seem a bit cowardly, but it's actually quite hard to tell someone you're not interested and sometimes it's easier to hint at it and let the other person reach that conclusion themselves.

Trifleorbust Wed 26-Oct-16 14:12:28

Do you really want to go out with someone who is unsure after six dates? Personally I think he is ending it, but even if he is undecided, is this good enough for you?

JustSpeakSense Wed 26-Oct-16 14:20:55

I'm sorry but it seems He's made up his mind, he's not interested in you. He was trying to let you down easy, you don't send a text like that unless you are completely sure you want things to end.

There is no point meeting up to discuss things, that'll just be awkward, don't waste anymore time on him.

When you meet someone who is perfect for you, there won't be any game playing and ambiguous texts. At least you haven't invested too much time on this one....greener pastures are waiting.

ProseccoBitch Wed 26-Oct-16 14:27:22

He's trying to let you down gently OP, I'm sorry flowers

happyinherts Wed 26-Oct-16 17:39:19

Thanks for flowers, cake drink, etc everyone. Great to get an overall view on this.

I guess I was in shock as I hadn't received any negativity. I didn't really know where relationship was really heading as I took him to be on the shy side, but I was about to raise the subjecty. Seems like he beat me to it in a harsher way thn I planned.

Your replies have made me actually feel better. smile

happyinherts Fri 28-Oct-16 10:35:59

Oh, God, I'm far more fragile than I thought. Just cried my heart out in public when an acquaintance in Morrisons didn't think I looked too well and advised me to go get my hair done. Aagh.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Oct-16 10:51:28

He's letting you down but I don't think it's done nicely! He says he hasn't made his mind up? Well don't wait for that! For me he either wants it or he doesn't - none of this 'I don't know yet' business.

GeekyWombat Fri 28-Oct-16 11:06:29

Your acquaintance is a knob, who says that to people?!

Sorry you're upset OP, but better he'd done this now than lead you on. You deserve someone better - someone who after six dates is blown away by the awesomeness that is yoy.


LesisMiserable Fri 28-Oct-16 15:42:58

I think he's been very fair and polite, much more so than many people get in long term relationships let alone after six dates. Good on him for being honest and allowing you to move on with dignity OP.

AnyFucker Fri 28-Oct-16 15:49:47

Do not contact him. That was a brush off, plain and simple

Get back in the saddle and be open to dating other men

Even if this one comes back with a "You are good enough after all...." approach tell him to jog. You are no one's safe back burner landing

And are you OK in yourself ? I would be a bit concerned if a friend of mine was bursting into public tears after a few non sexual dates with a bloke. If you are going to invest so much so soon on very little evidence it is safe to do so, maybe you should be bolstering up your own self and leaving men out of it entirely for a while. Just a thought.

happyinherts Fri 28-Oct-16 15:59:55

AnyFucker, I thought I was okay, but clearly have a long way to go... I'm just deluded, I guess. I thought this friendship had great potential. One week ago today romantic lunch and walk by the canal. I had no inkling whatsoever this was on the cards, and he had planned dates 7,8 and 9. I have every intention of just throwing myself back into work and leaving men out of it.

LesisMiserable Fri 28-Oct-16 16:30:07

With the greatest respect I don't understand when women (mainly women) after a few dates that don't come to anything go to extremes and say right that's it no more men for me, I'm just going to throw myself into work, friends, family whatever.

Can I suggest, throwing yourself into one thing or the other is quite an intense and extreme measure. What about just going with the flow of things, being open to possibilities in every area of life and not over thinking, over investing. It will make life a lot less episodic and a lot more enjoyable.

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