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Narc ex has moved back home, advice needed

(16 Posts)
OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 09:33:36

I've posted about this man before under a different username.
I threw out my narc ex a couple of months ago after finding out about his affair with a much younger girl. He moved in with her at her parents house.
Apparently it was only ever a temporary arrangement and yesterday I got a message from him saying he was moving back into our house. I asked him if he could give me a couple of days to sort somewhere out for me and he said no, he was in fact already there. He is refusing to look for somewhere else and that I have nothing to worry about, he will stay out of my way. I don't believe him. I think he will hurt me. I genuinely do, although he has never been abusive before his behaviour since we split has been unbelievable. Flying into rages over imagined slights, attacking me, blaming me for literally everything. He blames me for turning people against him who have shown disapproval of his affair.
I booked into a hotel last night and again tonight but this is a short term solution to a long term problem. No close family or friends that I can stay with. We have the house on the market and an offer accepted but it will be at least a couple of months before completion and we can go our separate ways.
Does anyone have any advice how I can keep myself safe? I can't afford to stay at a hotel for long. No DCs.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 10:04:58

*Sorry - verbally attacking me not physically - however when I refused to open the front door to him once he did kick it in.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Oct-16 10:07:55

Go back and if he verbally abused you or intimidates you call the police to have him removed.

You can get an order to have him removed from the home if there are genuine reasons. I forget what it's called.

Gymnopedies Wed 26-Oct-16 10:19:01

Look for shared accomodation, you usually don't need a big deposit.

Gymnopedies Wed 26-Oct-16 10:19:51

Oh, have heard that airbnb is reasonably priced too.

THirdEeye Wed 26-Oct-16 11:43:34

Do you co own the property or are both your names on the lease?

THirdEeye Wed 26-Oct-16 11:45:46

I just wanted to add, that if you need to go back could someone stay with you? Also, if you feel threatened/he flies into a rage then call the police straight away.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 11:48:07

Have looked into Airbnb and is not cheap round her as I live on the edge of a big city. I have registered with and am hoping to find somewhere cheaper there.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 11:49:02

We co-own the property so he has every right to be there.

JoJoSM2 Wed 26-Oct-16 11:57:28

Well, he has every right to be there but no right to be nasty to you. Can you use different rooms, have separate shelves in the fridge etc to stay out of each other's way as much as possible? And as others have said - if he is a complete nightmare, just ring the police.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 12:05:36

So do you think I should go back? Even though I feel threatened?

JoJoSM2 Wed 26-Oct-16 12:11:23

Well, don't go back if you feel threatened and can't face the prospect.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 26-Oct-16 12:17:09

It's a 2 bedroom house and he has said he will stay in the back bedroom and keep out of my way but I just don't trust him to do that, especially if he's been drinking. Sorry, don't mean to drip feed, just posted initially quickly - he's been drinking a lot recently and lost his licence and subsequently his job. This is one of the reasons I don't feel safe - his behaviour is erratic at the best of time and if he's drunk there is no chance that he will be even close to reasonable.

NotTheFordType Wed 26-Oct-16 12:21:48

If you feel he is dangerous then I wouldn't go back. As well as spare room, ask around at work if anyone can take on a temporary lodger? Lots of people have a spare room but don't want a lodger they don't know, or a permanent arrangement.

MostlyHet Wed 26-Oct-16 12:23:44

What a scary situation, OP. I think in this sort of scenario, your instincts should be listened to - if you think his behaviour is erratic and he is unreasonable, and things might escalate into physical violence, you should not ignore those warning signs. The problem you have is that (legal people may want to correct me on this) I think it's very difficult to get an occupation order if there hasn't been physical violence.

I don't know what size of town you live in, but if it's a university town, it might be worth phoning the university to see if they have any spaces in student accomodation - by this time in term they've often had people drop out of courses and have spaces available. Failing that, people looking for lodgers? A room is cheaper than a flat and is manageable in the short term, perhaps. Can you afford a few months (until completion on your flat) of rent on a room?

I know in an ideal world you should be able to continue to live in your own house, but from what you have said it doesn't sound as though it would be safe. But worst case scenario, if you had to stay, could you put a lock on your bedroom door, for instance?

jeaux90 Wed 26-Oct-16 12:47:44

Gosh OP so sorry. Narcs are awful people. I know it rarely escalates into physical violence but you always always feel threatened by them. I hope you can well the property quickly and move on, cut contact etc xxx

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