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What to do

(11 Posts)
Rosywood Wed 26-Oct-16 08:09:38

Hi, iv never posted on here, but would appreciate an outside perspective. Iv been with my husband 12yr and married 4. We have 3 children together and I have 2 teenagers from previous. My husband moved out of the family home about a month ago due to arguments and his lies, nothing massive. He now has a flat witch he is living in. This is the second time he has moved out, the first time he was depressed and confused about what he wanted. He then decided he wanted his family so I forgave him and he moved back in. That was 2yr ago now and this time he moved out because of the arguments and we really weren't getting on and we have not made much effort to spend any time together. We both really love eachother still and want to try again. He wants to continue living in his flat, whilst building us back together, so coming staying here a couple of nights and trying to spend time with each other and as a family. Whilst I know where he is coming from with this idea, because he moved straight back in last time and neither of us tried hard enough. But I feel I resent this flat he has and the space he has and just want him to come home. I want him home and to start changing things such as spending more time together and loving each other. So my question is, is he right? And how do I get past and over his flat and freedom? Thanx xx

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Oct-16 08:13:52

I totally understand why we would want the flat, if you are serious about getting back together, you both need your space.
As the saying goes "Nothing grows, in shadows"
Focus on the present, not the future & take it one day at a time

AntiqueSinger Wed 26-Oct-16 08:54:42

Do you have a plan on how things will change if he comes home? Or are you hoping that the issues will resolve themselves naturally? What things are in place to ensure a real change that facilitates you both living together happily? Because without a definitive plan with realistic goals you can both meet, you're likely to find yourselves in this position again.

Can I ask did you ask him to leave? Because this is the second time he's done this and it's massively unfair to you and smacks a bit out of abandoning ship when things are tough.

Really consider if asking him how at this time is the right thing to do and whether you have really realistically put things in place and personal changes to prevent the arguing etc. Old habits will just reassert themselves otherwise. Wishing better, wanting better is not enough. You need concrete plans.

Rosywood Wed 26-Oct-16 09:24:53

Thankyou both. I guess you are right, we do need time to grow together whilst apart. But everytime I say yes let's see how it goes I have a meltdown and start thinking he is a dad and a husband he should be here with us. Yes I did tell him to leave, I was angry. What if I cannot get past his flat? It's causing me massive anxiety, just because I wish we were a family again and I hate that he can say bye and leave us. But I know if he comes back now things could end the same way again. I want us to start going out as a family, to go on dates, and to watch films/TV together, just sometimes, to be closer. We never did any of that.

AntiqueSinger Wed 26-Oct-16 10:18:36

* I want us to start going out as a family, to go on dates, and to watch films/TV together, just sometimes, to be closer. We never did any of that.*

What has been preventing this from happening? Why are you not finding time? Is it work? Stress, tiredness? Busy schedules?

Rosywood Wed 26-Oct-16 15:20:03

Nothing preventing us from spending time together at all, it has been both our fault, neither of us have tried hard enough, we have just got stuck in a rut and bogged down with daily life. I know I am guilty of taking things for granted, assuming it's a rough patch and we will get through it. I have suggested counselling but he is very against it.

adora1 Wed 26-Oct-16 15:32:43

Why don't you at least give this situation a go, let him stay at the flat and date him; that can make a huge difference in helping you work out if there's a future there or not.

Wanting the status quo back is a natural reaction but perhaps slightly knee jerked; I'd stick to how you are just now and date each other, if that doesn't bring the spark back nothing will but at least you will know you both tried.

I guess the crap side of this is that it is you who is at home with all the children doing the bulk so a condition of him being in his flat would be that he takes his turn looking after them and let's you have some freedom too.

Rosywood Wed 26-Oct-16 17:05:52

Yes your right, I do need to give this a go thanx, and I think I needed to hear it from other perspectives. It can either go one way or the other then il know if we have a future x

Frenchfemme Wed 26-Oct-16 17:38:34

Why don't you take turns to stay in the flat, so you both get to have some space and freedom, and some time taking on family responsibilities. If he won't agree to this, he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

adora1 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:42:33

Brilliant suggestion there by French OP. And yes, if he disagrees he's not worth fighting for.

Rosywood Wed 26-Oct-16 19:40:12

I can't do that, I can't explain why, I just have so much anxiety and resentment I don't want anything to do with it whatsoever, this whole situation is killing me and I don't know if I can do it. I don't feel he loves me as much as I love him.

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