Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
The back story is this, I have been with my DH for 17 years, we have one DD aged 7.
I have always been rubbish with money, I spend too much and can't seem to manage very well. A few years ago (10) I got into a lot of debt on cards and thought I could deal with it, I couldn't and it all came out. My DH who was just my DP at the time was very helpful and actually paid this off for me using his very hard earned bonus from work. It was a fairly substantial amount of money and it was a very kind thing to do as we were not a married couple back then.
However, on the back of this we had a chat about this and he said he hated debt as he had seen through his job the problems it has caused. To be honest he wasn't overly thrilled I had got myself into this situation when frankly I shouldn't have done as I had a good job and earned good money. I was just wasting cash on things I didn't need. I cut up my cards and was back to having a clean slate. So far so good.....
Anyway we got married and before this he suggested we have a joint account so that we could manage things better as a couple. I agreed but kept my own account for myself. He pays all the mortgage and bills and we share other costs like food. Problem is he also said that he didn't want this situation arising again in the future as there was no need for me to be in debt and he would be really pissed off of this situation arose again.
Well fast forward 10 years and we are here again! I now have £6k on credit cards that he doesn't know about and we are about to apply for a mortgage. He said "I assume you don't have anything to hide" when we go through the application as they will check our credit history and question us on anything that we don't declare. I said no but am now worried sick.
He is going to be so disappointed in me and to be honest I deserve it. I have over £800 a month to spend on myself and can't even manage with that. It's ridiculous isn't it. I could kick myself for being so reckless with cash. I don't even have anything to show for this spending.
What the fck am I going to do? I've got to come clean and hope for the best haven't I but I know he is going to be fuming with me over this.
There was a thread on here about something similar the other week.
Some people, would see your financial betrayal nearly up there with adultery. You must tell him ASAP. The ramifications will be far worse if he discovers this himself.
If he doesn't decide to end things, you need to be committed to getting yourself longterm financial planning help, as he's going to have trust issues with you & query every penny you spend.
He'll be thinking "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"
Do it ASAP & don't be an ostrich, this won't go away
Yes, it is ridiculous. You need to get some help.
You have to tell him, it needs to be recorded on mortgage applications.
You have £800 a month to spend on yourself? You need to reduce that to £100 and give him the other £700 until the debts are paid off.
Then you need to get yourself cards which don't allow you to go overdrawn or use cash only and get DH to withdraw money for you until you have been helped. You really need to get help for this, it's similar to drug/alcohol addiction.
What in earth have you been buying?
I feel very sorry for your poor dh who no doubt will be expected to bail you out once again.
I don't know. I am just so stupid. I tend to spend money when feeling a bit low on crap that sometimes I don't even use/wear. You are right it's like an addiction. I wouldn't blame him if he left me to be honest. He probably won't but only because of our child. What an idiot i am.
You need to come clean, it will show up when they credit check you for the mortgage. What did you spend the money on - can you sell it and pay down some of the card?
Yes you're an idiot for getting in to debt when you are comfortably off, but even more so by hiding it and then lying to your supportive DH.
He needs to know ASAP so you can both scale down the family Christmas to deal with your debt.
You need to fix your self in order to fix the relationship. He does need to know. It is up to him in the end if he wants to save the relationship or not. My experience is you love someone and you try for them but sometimes they can not fix them self eventually all they do is shit on you and break your heart. But more lies and concealment is a sure fire way to destruction.
How the hell have you got into that debt again when you have so much disposable income others could only dream about?
What have you been buying??!!
On the positive side you have money to use to pay the debt off. If you pay £600 a month towards the outstanding balance it will be all paid off in 10 months - and that will still leave you to have personal spending of £200 a month.
The bank are going to bring up that credit card and balance. I'd talk to him before they do - tell him and explain why you are spending like this and your plan to pay back the money.
Personally I think it was solved too easily for you last time. Even if you come up with a way of wiping that debt I'd insist on making repayments. Simply because you can pay it off in a short period of time and hopefully the pain of doing that will make you spend in your means as time goes on.
And I've been there myself! Good luck
Sell everything you can such as stuff you have bought and not used
Destroy credit cards
You have £800 per month spending money. Change it to £200 and ask dh to use the other £600 to pay down your debts. That should take a year.
Don't buy house till debt paid off.
Don't take out more debt, I think you will though as you have done it twice so have demonstrated you can't change your behaviours.
Tackle the root cause of "feeling down". Presumably the excessive spending hasn't been the cure.
Unfortunately, Being nice to people doesn't help them in the long run, him paying off your first debts, taught you nothing. You, in fairness should have paid him back out of your £800 per month. That way you would have learned something. No pain no gain. You better tell him before the mortgage people do. Why apply for a mortgage when you've already got one.?
This would be a deal breaker for me and I would leave. So he's financed your life by paying practically all the bills despite you having the means t pay your own way and you repay him by getting int debt again and hiding it from him.
Bailing you out the first time was obviously a mistake as you learnt nothing and didnt even pay him back. He's likely to feel deceived, used and lied too.
Tell him, but tell him the solution so he knows you have thought about it.
You probably need counselling as this is a form of addiction.
Can you sell the stuff you bought or sell other stuff?
Tell him now. Yes he will be furious, and rightly so, but don't wait for him to find out via your rejected mortgage application. How humiliating will that be for both of you? He will feel betrayed by your deceit I'm sure.
It is totally unacceptable to get into such debt with a massive amount of disposable income and I'm sure if I did this to my oh it would be game over. How on earth do you spend that amount and more every month and leave him paying all the mortgage and bills? I really struggle to understand how you can effectively sponge off him like this.
Tell him now. He deserves to know what kind of person he has shackled himself with.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.