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Complicated realationship - AFFAIR - FRIENDS -COUPLE?

(55 Posts)
user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 22:56:13

This is very very long winded but I need some advise, I am not here to be judged either, so please bare this in mind.

I'm mid 30s he's mid 40's. I've 1 child, he's 2.

We met 20 months ago. He was going through a divorce and I was in an unhappy marriage. We had a sexual affair for nearly a year. we supported each other, me through his divorce and he through my decision to split with hubby. 3 months after his divorce he decided to try again with his ex. as closure/sink or swim/for the kids thing I think. Anyway, I was OK with this at the time as I had my own problems, I could see he was hurting and reluctantly backed off, so our last sexual contact was 8 months ago. We have remained in contact ever since. with periods of no contact, occasional texts as friends, meet occasionally at work too.

This weekend we spent 3 days solid together with a mutual friend for work. Prior he said he was looking forward to it and it included lots of flirting, eye contact, ending with a hug (he doesn't do hugs) before we went home. He knows I have split with my hubby and when I asked how he was in his relationship with his ex he replied "ok, its ok, its not perfect but its ok", we chatted about general stuff too and tbh I felt this 3rd party did acknowledge and felt a gooseberry on occasions.

Monday I texted him to say how I enjoyed the weekend and esp. our time together. I got no reply, but I know in a week or so we will meet again. What' s going on with him and his mind?

Obviously I would like something more and deep down I feel he does too but something somewhere is stopping him.....how do I play this, he knows I love him and I want more and he does love me.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:00:18

Yes. My advice is don't pursue him. He's chosen to go back to his wife and I think it would indicate to me he isn't a very nice person if he still continues to pursue an affair or a flirtation with you when he professes to be making his marriage work. His poor wife and kids, they have been through enough haven't they?
I think you should rebuild a new life and find a man who is free, now you are free.
I don't think this is any big love of your life it seems more like sexual attraction and likely to end in more than one broken heart, as it has already.
Move on and don't keep making the same mistakes!
Sorry if you feel that is judgemental, it's just quite plain that this isn't a very good idea

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:03:19

Thanks no its not judgemental, I just need some views as I cant really confide in friends etc and i know my views are subject to bias. Thanks

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:05:32

I just don't think you will get advice on here about how to win a married man away from his wife puts on hard hat

Get him out of your system. Delete his number. Stay professional. Date new men

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:08:03

ha ha ha no it is ok. He isn't married now. they are divorced and they are trying again, but he's admitted he will never move back in with her nor do any of their friends or family know they are back ON as he refuses to tell people.

Happybunny19 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:08:28

User I agree with the above post. Let him try to make things work with his wife, he's made it clear that's what he wants. This isn't going to help you move on and that's what you need to do right now.

Bob19702 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:09:58

How can he be trying again but never move back in ?

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:10:01

He sounds like a right catch doesn't he. With his one foot out the door at all times and his big table of cakes wink

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:11:20

True!

Happybunny19 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:11:26

Just read your recent post. He actually sounds like an arsehole. He wants to try again but doesn't want anyone to know and doesn't ever want to move back? Either he's lying to you (v likely) or now using his ex. Either way he is a tosspot.

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:12:55

Go figure.... He's told her this too. Even the kids don't know about this "relationship"

Teabay Tue 25-Oct-16 23:13:03

chocolate I have no judgement for you or your situation. The cold view from the outside is that he needs to return to his first family to give it his best shot. This doesn't mean that one day he won't be with you - I'd let him choose. (And if you've moved on by then, you can be friends, grateful for the support he gave you when you needed it). Good luck.

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:14:14

Thanks x

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:15:14

Oh wow OP, he just gets better! I mean I suppose if he isn't sure it will work then maybe that's a good plan but at the same time it's almost like he's not really expecting it to last.

Although you never know, the real story could be that she won't let him back yet

clumsyduck Tue 25-Oct-16 23:15:35

Until I read he's not going to move back in I thought ok he obviously had and still has feelings for you but he has decided to give his marriage another go and you need to back off and respect that. However now I think although you still need to back off you need to also for your own sake because he sounds a twat ! He can't make his marriage work if he won't totally commit to her OR he is moving back in etc but is lying to you. Either way he's a knob! you deserve much more than the scraps he is willing to offer you !!

ClopySow Tue 25-Oct-16 23:16:02

You are setting yourself up for massive amounts of heartbreak.

Walk away.

GrinchyMcGrincherson Tue 25-Oct-16 23:16:26

So he is back with her but won't commit, won't tell anyone and still is flirting with you? Sounds like he's a twat tbh. You deserve much more and much better. Don't settle.

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:17:52

true I don't know how she's managing this, he makes it out its all his shots and she wants him back fully, but it is him making the decision in taking his time......

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:19:56

You just don't know whether that's the true story. Is a weird story to make or break for the kids but they don't even know. It could be that he just wants to keep you on the back burner

Regardless it sounds very messy and you are better off out of it!

tribpot Tue 25-Oct-16 23:20:27

I don't think I believe that he is trying, actually. I think he is using that as a shield to avoid having to commit to you properly. Look at the timing - you split from your ex, and then after divorcing he decides to give it a go with his ex, whilst mysteriously ensuring no-one else knows about the so-called reconciliation? Come on.

Best case scenario is that he is leading this poor woman on instead of her letting her get on with building her own life. Actually that's effectively what he's doing to you both.

clumsyduck Tue 25-Oct-16 23:21:37

That's what he tells you what if she is calling the shots and won't let him move in until he proves himself a better partner this time round ??

I find it hard to believe if he is essentially living alone of his choice and no one knows they are back together he wouldn't be using that as an opportunity to get back in your bed !

More like he is getting fed up with the waiting involved in trying to "win her back" and keep you dangling just incase

Just a thought

I could be way off but I still wouldn't automatically believe what he tells you

Bob19702 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:22:52

It sounds like you are being kept on the back burner just Incase it doesn't work out with his exw..don't let yourself be treated like that .

Dozer Tue 25-Oct-16 23:24:11

Run for the hills!

An exit affair (for you) is one thing, but he's hardly a catch, is he!

Stop all contact.

user1477428275 Tue 25-Oct-16 23:25:51

no I agree with the "Keeping me dangling" for just in case /backup moment..... i've thought this myself.

my head says all this u guys are saying but my heart...... I need to man up but I cant seem to get over him or the want of him! (sorry)

clumsyduck Tue 25-Oct-16 23:28:23

Oh of course it's easy for me to say this on here

I have made epically poor choices in men over the years knowing that they were shits who would break my heart but still fell hopelessly in love . Luckily I'm a little wiser now !! I also didn't have mumsnet to call upon for advice just equally immature friends 😆

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