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What do I do(25 Posts)
I apologise if this thread is in the wrong place, and their are spelling and missed words, I've typed this out in haste
Looking for advice or what you guys would do.
I've posted a few things on here with different problems I have with my Daughter & Son, and received some good and indifferent advice and tips, so here's another one for you.
my 2 kids well daughter is 18 next year and son is 15 next year, so growing or grown up.....hmmm.
Short story, we are split, both re-married and years and years have past.
I used to see my kids all time they stayed with me and my wife, but as they get older its boring at dads. want my mates etc etc. The communication started to become less and less over 2years, however I would always sent them a text/WhatsApp just to see how they are doing what's news once a week even if I didn't hear from them.
Oh the record, I pay maintenance every month never missed one. Plus every Christmas and Birthday they had I have always given them money and have done ever since, even though they never called or send me anything on my birthday or fathers day, but I guess ive been putting that down to how they have been brought up.
Roll this year, even though I had been texting them sometimes I wouldn't hear for weeks on end, and all I would get back is fine one word, but the only real time they would speak to me is when Christmas came up 2015 and their birthdays looking for their money.
Present day, I not seen or heard from either of them is over 6months and be honest for last 5 months I've now stopped sending them messages as not receiving anything back.
Today 25th Oct 2016, my daughter sends me a big WhatsApp, no hello no how is everything, just asking me for either her Christmas money or next year birthday money as she wants to get tickets to go to a concert.
99% of me saying defiantly not a chance, I just a person they look at with a pound sign, nothing more nothing less, but the 1% of me feeling guilty even though I've heard nothing for months, I feel I should and be a bad parent, but if I do, then for years and years to come they will think so just contact him when we want money as he always pays..
What would you guys do???????
Without hesitation its a definite no. They may be your dcs, but have now reached an age where they are responsible for their actions (i.e you cant blame their dm 100%), maybe reply saying you'd love to help but aren't in a position to at the moment, then suggest meeting up? I can guarantee you won't hear another thing for a long time (currently going through something similar with dps kids). But as long as you can go to sleep with a clear conscience? Id say stick to your guns.
I'd have to say no, too. They're very disrespectful.
I do think you shouldn't have let it go so long without texting - even if they don't reply, you should still do it.
That is a horrible situation and I'm sorry your DC seem to only see you as some sort of cash machine! I would explain to her that since you have heard nothing from her or her brother for over 6 months, then you will not be sending any money. You are not a bank, and if they want birthday and christmas presents then they need to keep up some semblance or a relationship with you! It is completely out of order to text/whatsapp just for money! I know it seems harsh and it will be difficult, but you must stand your ground. They will respect you for it when they grow up
Can I ask if you have ever mentioned how you feel to your kids, explained to them how to treat others feelings, rather than go straight for the DM did a bad job? just saying.
I understand that they don't want to stay with you because it's an age thing. Even if they lived with you, I'm sure that you wouldn't see them as much as you'd think. Do you ever ask them to come over or out for a meal. Something on a weekday when they do feel that they're missing out with something 'crucial' with their friends? I feel it'd be a shame to lose contact because they are basically typical teens, with regards to parents and they no longer want to do as they did as children.
I would send the money I think. She's 18. Is she still in full time education? It's money you were presumably going to send her anyway. She wants it a bit early to buy a coat.
Yes, they've both been rude. But teenagers are often shits. And you say "you blame their upbringing" so presumably you don't think your ex is encouraging them to keep in touch with you?
Don't burn bridges. Horrible teenagers often become delightful twenty-somethings. Don't jeopardise your future with your own children.
Give her the money. And a bollocking about her attitude.
Yes, many times when I've seen them face to face, we have this talk about, how we love them, our door is always open, call anytime and remind them that although they have a step-dad, it would be nice to hear from them any time, this conversations has been discussed countless time, but they seem always to revert to old ways......
Wait, sorry, it was a concert not a coat. Read your post too quickly. Anyway my point still stands.
But you're the parent OP and they're still 'your children' despite their ages. Maybe instead of saying the door is always open, why not make firm plans and collect them for a pub meal.
I've offered many times, to take them out for a meal, even though we live 30 mins apart, ive always to pick and drop them off.
they always have a excuse about not meeting up, unless its when their are getting cash.
IT sounds like they just regard you as a cash line, but something along the way has enabled this type of relationship to be developed. I don't know enough details to conclude you are reeping what you have sown, but you need to build some bridges.You, as an adult and a Dad need to stop the messages, pick up the phone and meet up with them both.
I say pub meal because given their ages, especially with your daughters age being in a pub environment maybe is a little cooler than a restaurant.
No its not the same: with respect, a coat is an essential, a concert is a luxury.
I would say "for your Christmas, it might be nice to do dinner and the cinema ^fill as appropriate^"
Think it's a bit unreasonable to only want to see you on their terms and when they want something.
It is tough when you're a teenager but they're not little kids. So, sorry, my view is - they don't want contact they don't get the presents.
And I hope you're not paying maintenance on the eldest if she is no longer at home OP.
Ring them up, don't text ask them if they're free on a certain evening and then say great I'll pick you up and we'll get something to eat at **. Of course you should be picking them up and dropping them off.
Is there a back story, why you and their mum split?
Keep making the effort, your youngest is still only 15. In time they might have more interest in spending time with you, but if you keep withdrawing they never will.
If it makes you happy to have no relationship with them, then by all means don't interact with them at all and don't give them money.
If the eldest is in education and I'm guessing at 17she most likely will be, maintenance should be paid until that finishes
Sorry, I've just seen your update, I'd wait outside their college or workplace, Id walk on hot coals to reconnect with them, at that age kids are so selfish and if a line of dosh is flowing they will snatch your hand off because the money enables a great social life and when you're that age, it's all that matters.They just need to for fill a few obligations first and that means spending sometime with their Dad.
They do sound very disrespectful and I understand how you feel, but they are still your children and I think you will regret it if you burn your bridges now.
As a pp said, they may well turn into delightful 20 somethings - especially as the influence of others in their lives will probably diminishe as they get older.
I'd never allow a child of mine treat me like a cash cow. No way! They need to know that relationships require two way investment. Especially as they get to late teens.
Holding their hand out and getting money like that, when they haven't done anything meaningful towards the relationship, to make it two-way will turn them into entitled selfish adults, who don't know how to treat other important people in their future life.
Rod for your own back if you do that too much OP
Whatever you decide to do, keep the lines of communication open. It's true that teens are often self centred and can be hard to like at times but they do morph into lovely adults ( generalising here) so don't make it difficult to reestablish links. One day they'll surprise you. It seems rude ( and is rude ) of her to contact you for money and nothing else but it IS contact so I'd give her the money with a ' It would be lovely to see you' . Perhaps keep your meetings short and sweet if they agree!
You saw a lot of them when they were younger, you say they stayed with you and your new wife all the time.
Then later on you say that them not sending you gifts, etc, is hurtful, but you blame it on 'their upbringing.' I might be wrong but I see this as a direct swipe at their mum? That's wrong though because you obviously were seeing a lot of them so 'their upbringing' is down to you too?
Not getting in touch for months is wrong. You're the adult here.
Teenagers can be the most self centred creatures on the planet. They hurt their parents, regardless of their upbringing and home life. It's what they do.
Yes, they're not treating you well. I understand your hurt.
Step back, accept it's a phase and do what you feel comfortable with regarding spending money on them. If you keep contact going, let them know you want to be involved in their lives that's all you can do.
You feel like a walking cashpoint, I can relate to that! Up to you to say 'no' sometimes, I do! Don't think that you have to buy their love. Under all that teenage angst they love you, so just step back, be firm and let them know you love them, but have boundaries and feelings too.
For the record, I only have just started getting birthday presents in the last 2 years, only since my kids have worked and had money. There was times when I didn't get a mother's day card too, because they didn't see the importance of it. My reply to texts are 'k' 'y' 'dk'. It's got better as they've got older but yours sound like typical teens. Imo as their parent, despite their age, we still take the parent roll. My youngest is just 19 and unless there is a reason to text I never get a text just asking how I am. I feel you have certain expectations of how your kids should be with you. You say 'I've always to pick them up and drop them off' which is how I would want it and imo how it should be. You sound a little resentful of doing it too? If you send a text say 'how are you?' you will get a reply saying 'OK'. I bet they're just the same with their mother too.
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