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Unhappy in marriage - is it me?(14 Posts)
Married 3 years, together 11, DD is 20months. I don't think that I'm happy with our marriage, DH is emotionally detached and very underwhelmed with me. He works long hours and I've spoken with him to see if he is depressed but he insists that he isn't and just tired from working long hours. He has always been a man of few words, laid back but he comes alive and is passionate when it comes to golf or music- it keeps him from eating and sleeping and he'd walk over hot coals to do his hobbies. He is obsessive with his hobbies and has golfed (5hrs) every weekend since DD was born, including paternity leave - I had CS and PND, so this has cut deep. Anyway, over the past year I've changed and started to question is this it? Can I be with this man for the rest of my life? I don't think he meets my needs, for example he is not affectionate, does not put his arm around me, cuddle or initiate sex - always me. He has self confidence issues with himself, he is a medium height and I am taller than him - he shrinks away from me on a daily basis when I come near to him, makes a face and generally makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't feel that we're a couple, I do everything around the house and with DD (previous thread) and it's like having a teenager lodge with us. Lately I have been noticing other couples and admiring their affection, the way other men are interested in the daily life of family. He is selfish, everything is for his gain. Once in a blue moon he'll do something like make me a cup of tea or bath DD, but later announces he is golfing extra that week. Everyday I think of him and DD and how I can brighten their days, I don't think he thinks of me like that and it's hurting. He has always been like this but he is worse now, and I feel that my eyes are open now that I've had DD and PND that broke me. So my question is this; am I expecting too much? Is this just a low patch in our marriage that we need to work on? It's always me fixing things, suggesting things- it's getting old, should I just shut up and put up with this?
No you should not just shut up and take this crap, this is not normal and not what a healthy loving partnership should look like or be and I am sure you want an equal respectful relationship.
It sounds like a one sided relationship where he in indeed an adult child, does what he likes, when he likes, no concern for you or what you want, no affection, nothing, sorry but I'd be sitting him down and asking if he can't contribute 50% to the relationship then I'd be calling it a day.
it sounds soul destroying.
I can't see the point of him! Surely you'd be better off living separately? He isn't a friend, he isn't a lover - what is he, then?
I wonder, too, whether your PND would lift if you lived separately.
This is what I've often thought , we're two parents and that's about it. Don't even have the same sense of humour anymore, nothing in common but DD. If I picture us separated, then not much changes - I'd still be lonely and it would be hard but I wouldn't have a sinking feeling in my stomach I don't think . I'm off medication 3 months now, doing well in regards to PND, but have a clearer head than I've ever had. I don't even know how to approach this with him.
I'm a similar situation but three kids down the line. My dh regularly does his hobby regardless of whether it fits round me or our Sen kids who I'm a sahp to. He never makes me a cup of tea nor takes a great interest in me. I'd recommend having a serious chat with him now and dear god don't be like me and have more kids with him.
It's time to rock the boat. Your husband is taking you for granted. You must give him a shock. Go to friends or book a hotel, but tell him you're not coming back till something changes. Monitor his reaction. If he is blaise, then you know your marriage has no future.
Can I ask though has he always been this way? Is it possible he is on the autistic spectrum? His intense focus on his hobbies, his need to keep his routine regardless of the circumstances, and his discomfort of physical affection/ inability to react to you emotionally could be a sign of that. What was his parent's relationship like?
I feel totally taken for granted. I have thought about the autism spectrum before, as he was like that with hobbies as a child and struggled with school. His parents divorced when he was 8, selfish father who did what he wanted
Was he like this before you got married or had children? Did he actually want children? His actions are suggesting he didn't want them
He sounds awful op.
Don't settle for this sad life - make him really face up to how you feel and start thinking about how your life would be like without him.
I have been there, including the PND
Have been very close to leaving when DC were babies/tots.
I remember getting very angry one night and throwing the whole pile of dishes on the floor. I had spent the whole day entertaining tot and breastfeeding baby, cooked dinner, and after dinner DH put his feet up and started getting ready for his hobby.
I was standing in the kitchen, running the water for washing up, and a red mist descended. I swiped all the plates onto the floor and screamed :"Fuck this, I am leaving you!"
DH was super shocked, very upset and worried and had no idea I was that angry about his selfish behaviour.
We have had to renegotiate our relationship on an ongoing basis.
It was not perfect, and the selfish behaviour kept (keeps) cropping up at irregular intervals...but I call him up on it, and he listens. I have maybe become more "selfish" myself to balance things
The thing is though, we were always able to talk about it, we could always somehow still find the humour, and there was always still affection. DH also tells me he loves me, and does little things like making me tea in my favourite mug every morning.
Those little things, small moments of affection and having a laugh seem to have kept us together through rocky patches.
But smashing those plates was necessary to start a whole new relationship.
You need to talk, you need to get angry, ... and he needs to listen.
You need to fight for yourself, and for your marriage (if it is worth it!)
Sounds like he has never really met your emotional needs reading your first post but for some reason you have ignored this in the past. It's rare people change so if you are not happy anymore then prepare yourself for change.
What made you stay pre baby? What was different?
If you are single, you know you are on your own.
I also think when you have DC, any inequalities in the relationship are magnified. Having a new baby is tough, and without a supportive partner, much tougher. That is without PND in the mix, though I imagine the lack of support fuelled the PND.
I do not think being selfish is a necessary part of autism, so that is a red herring - even if he is on the spectrum, he could be looking at diagnosis and support for this to function in a family. Whereas he seems just to rumble along in his little routine. He knows it is unreasonable otherwise why would he sweeten you up before extra golf time? That is manipulative. Have you talked about how you feel?
How are you financially? Would you be able to support yourself and DD? Not saying necessarily leave, but I think it helps to have an idea what you do or do not find acceptable, and where your lines in the sand are.
Just to add I have asd. I struggle socially but I overaccomodate though men and women present differently. Like the idea of sweeping the dishes onto the floor.
Sounds to me like you've already opened your eyes and have seen the truth.
You know that you won't lose much by separating. As you say yourself you'll mainly lose a sinking feeling in my stomach
Personally, I don't think it matters whether he is on a spectrum or not. If he is not giving you what you need then it doesn't really matter if it's because he can't or because he won't.
I don't even know how to approach this with him. I'm not surprised, sounds like the time for words has been and gone. You probably need to consult a solicitor about what your approach could be. Gather the facts then choose.
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