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What has happened to my exh?

(306 Posts)
LittleMissFour Tue 25-Oct-16 14:57:25

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

ButIbeingpoor Tue 25-Oct-16 15:05:51

Sorry if I can't give you full advice but the thing that leaped out at me was your DP missing ' us time'. Fuck him and his ' us time'. You and your children come as a package. Your exH sounds a twat but he should support his children not just provide babysitting for your DP's convenience.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Tue 25-Oct-16 15:06:21

Oh my goodness. That's quite shocking. Your poor DC - and you too, this must be very stressful. FWIW I don't think you're being selfish about being unhappy that it's impacting on your new relationship.

Have you been to his house? Is he still living there? I can understand that exMIL is reluctant to get involved, but has she given any indication about what's going on? Presumably she knows.

I think you'll have to go back to court. I can't see how else to get around it.

maras2 Tue 25-Oct-16 15:06:28

Probably has a new girlfriend who wants him all to herself.If he does Social Media,check it out.I hope it's nothing more serious though.

Finola1step Tue 25-Oct-16 15:06:37

I can think of a few possible scenarios. The most likely are: He's in prison, he's moved away, he's decided that he doesn't want contact anymore. Or does he have a history of drug or alcohol misuse? Any previous mental health issues?

Your exMIL is in a really difficult position. I would make every effort for her to see the dc. For the dc's sake.

With regards to your current partner, well the situation is frustrating but he has to understand that you come as a package. And that you need his support at the moment so that you can support your dc through this. If he can't step up to this then he isn't a partner, he is merely a boyfriend, one who may need to be cut loose.

Finola1step Tue 25-Oct-16 15:07:59

Oh and of course, it could be that he has hooked up and doesn't want his kids getting in the way.

tornandhurt Tue 25-Oct-16 15:11:19

Not sure this is much help, but to me it screams that the OW he left you for is insanely jealous and insecure, hence exmil returning children. I would place money he's been told hes to have no contact with you blah blah blah and unfortunately it sounds as though hes feeling he needs to please her unfortunately to the detriment to his dcs. I suspect that's exactly why exmil doesn't want to tell you!!

Its totally pathetic and its probably her that's blocked your contact to him.

In time, hopefully he'll realise what a complete dick he's being, although I really do appreciate that doesn't help your poor dcs right now.

JoJoSM2 Tue 25-Oct-16 15:12:06

I agree with Finola1step. There could be a lot of different things. Have your children not told you anything? It does sounds very strange though and I can see why you're mad.

MidsummersNight Tue 25-Oct-16 15:14:22

The first thing that popped into my head was is he seriously ill?

I mean, I doubt it, cause exMIL would have told you but it seems so strange for him to drop off the face of the planet. Do you know where he lives? I'd be inclined to knock on his door and ask him what the fuck he's playing at!?

RockyBird Tue 25-Oct-16 15:16:32

Easy way would be to refuse exMIL access until he comes crawling out of the woodwork.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Oct-16 15:17:23

he has hooked up and doesn't want his kids getting in the way
THIS completely.
Many men seem to be able to just cut off their kids for the OW.
It's just what some of them can do.
Mine moved countries FFS.
I would assume you won't see him again and nor will the DC.
Is he paying child support on time and regularly?

hippydippybaloney Tue 25-Oct-16 15:18:51

Your poor dc must be so confused. What is mil saying to them about it?

LittleMissFour Tue 25-Oct-16 15:22:12

Thanks for your quick responses, some outside opinion is really helpful, i don't have many RL friends.

To answer some of your questions, exh does have a bit of a history of depression, I mean it was never bad enough to be off work or anything, but he did have several episodes whilst we were together. he had some counseling in the past.

No history of drug or alcohol abuse.

He married OW last summer (not this summer when he has gone awol), so no 'new' lover interest.

I have not been to his house, i'm not 100% sure of his address. He kept it from me in all our court dealings. I know the road, but not the number / house.

He is not on facebook, he was never one for that type of thing. I have looked up his wife but her profile is pretty locked down.

I hadn't even thought about prison!! i can't see it, don't think he's even ever had a parking ticket! he is still paying child maintenance.

I don't want to stop exmil seeing the dc, they love seeing her and I to be honest I am grateful of the break. But its adhoc, like she has been ringing me on a friday night and asking if they can come for tea on the saturday (this was her routine with exh). But its not every week. I am also getting angry with her as she must know what is going on. I have tried talking to her about how this is effecting the dc and she just empathises how tough it is for everyone!!! She really freaked out saturday just gone when i said that i will have to take exh back to court.

I am gutted that my dp is not stepping up to the plate. he is very angry with exh and wants to knock him out! We had been getting on so well and the kids all play together so well. he really seemed to like my dc and i love his little boy to bits. Now its like he can't cope with my dc being around all the time and us not getting any alone time.

femfemlicious Tue 25-Oct-16 15:23:08

Wow it's really disgusting of your exh to drop out of his childrens lives without telling them anything. Really despicable. I think you need to find out what exactly is going so that your children can have closure. Have you thought of getting a private investigator to find out? . They can stake out his house and follow him or something.

It's important for the kids to have closure. I can imagine how awful they must feel being kept in limbo like this

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Tue 25-Oct-16 15:26:15

Could there be a new baby?

Aderyn2016 Tue 25-Oct-16 15:26:23

I would tell mil that my legal arrangements were with exh, not her and so I wouldn't be agreeing to any more pick ups from her unless she was willing to give me a proper explanation.

LittleMissFour Tue 25-Oct-16 15:28:15

My dc haven't said much. My eldest has SN so not very articulate either. i don't know if exmil has said anything to them, but i expect she has fobbed them off like she has me. They have a nice time with her and always come back happy, so thats one thing at least.

i don't know much about OW, if she was so jealous of me then why would the contact have stopped so abruptly? We have had various contact arrangements in the past and there didn't seem an issue. admittedly, exh and i have had issues agreeing on the contact!

The dc seemed to like OW and were happy at their dads. I had no reason to suspect that she didn't want them around.

DizzyCow63 Tue 25-Oct-16 15:32:57

I would tell MIL that you will not facilitate any further contact between her and the DC's until she tells you the truth. It's totally unfair on the DC for them not to know what it going on.

LittleMissFour Tue 25-Oct-16 15:35:06

I have thought about a private investigator yes! But the cost money!

My sister said she saw OW in Sainsburys a few months ago and that she looked pregnant. Not overly pregnant, but small bump pregnant. But we can all have off days when we are bloated and maybe let our posture go and our tummy looks a bit rounded! I think OW is about my age (40), she has 2 teen DC. I facebook stalked her sister (sneaky I know, but its quite easy to find this stuff out on fb). Her sister doesn't have a locked fb and had posted a picture of her and OW at a gig in mid sept, they both had a glass of wine in their hands, so i'm doubting she is pregnant.

LittleMissFour Tue 25-Oct-16 15:37:20

DizzyCow63, thats what I feel like doing! but right now she is my only opportunity of a break and time with DP. i work full time and relish a bit of grown up time.

I don't want to punish the dc further by not letting them see their gran, but i'm starting to feel like i have little options left.

Can i take him to court?

tornandhurt Tue 25-Oct-16 15:39:06

I'm not sure whether stopping ex mil is the right thing to do. OP says they always seem to come back happy, surely that's something and stopping that contact could be more damaging.

Although you don't have his address, presumably his solicitor and/or original court that handled the case do? In which case I'd be inclined to go back to your own solicitor explain the situation and ask them to make contact, particularly as he simply failed to collect them from school. They can make sure its either delivered in person by a court representative or send registered delivery to confirm receipt. Might be a start.

Does he have any other family/friends/work colleagues you could perhaps approach?

Mrsemcgregor Tue 25-Oct-16 15:39:38

This is really bizarre. Does he have any other family members you could track down on fb, siblings or even his best friend?

selfishcrab Tue 25-Oct-16 15:40:37

OP how awful for your children.
I would just say to MIL that you are not at all intrested in what he does BUT you are interested in the effect things have on the children and this is detrimental to them.
Basically look for the mother in her and reflect how she would feel if this was her children and the parent they loved buggered off.

SpaceUnicorn Tue 25-Oct-16 15:42:49

My first thought was that he's in prison, and that his mother is covering for him. Has there been literally no sight or sound of him for six weeks now, just vague references to his 'busyness' from his mother?

EssentialHummus Tue 25-Oct-16 15:43:24

I think MIL is your only route unfortunately. I'd explain that you and the DC are very worried, and DC miss him, so if it's a serious illness/jail/similar she needs to come out with it, otherwise you'll need to assume that he doesn't want to see DC anymore, and prepare them accordingly. That should shift her, surely?

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