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Parents/Brother *Potentially triggering*(20 Posts)
Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle.
I don't even know what I want to gain from this post but I feel very unsettled so perhaps some outside perspective will help. And apologies for length!
I have a brother who moved to a different city to be with his partner about 7 years ago. My parents relationship with him has been strained since, and had become nc, our mother is a nightmare and father is lame but that's a whole other thread!
We found out a year ago that brothers partner (also male) has recently served a couple of years in prison for child sex offences. My brother has stuck by him and when he was released from prison they got a place of their own, they previously lived with partners parents.
I was pregnant whilst we found this out. I now have a beautiful boy
I had a conversation with my father last week and he said that they are still actively trying to pursue a relationship with my brother.
I feel sick. My dad wants to think that my brother is a victim in this and said that he would never trust him around kids but he's still his son. I honestly don't believe he is a victim and in my eyes he is condoning his partners behaviour by staying with him!
It's making me not trust my parents with my son. I was extremely annoyed when I found out they'd told him I was pregnant and I said at the time that I don't want him having any info about my child, even what gender etc. When I reiterated this the other day by dad looked at me like I'm unreasonable. My mum wants to provide childcare when I return to work but this is seriously making me doubt it.
I just don't know what to do, I am so angry at the way my dad is minimising it and I can't get my thoughts clear on it.
My partner and best friend are the only other people who know so maybe some impartial perspectives will help clear it up for me.
Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?
Are you worried that your parents would allow your ds to be around your db when in their care?
I don't think that would happen as my brother wants nothing to do with my mum. My dad pointed this out but then he said if my bro left his partner and wanted to come home he doesn't know what he'd say.
I think my issue is that I'm scared by how much they're minimising it. They are only willing to see that his partner is wrong and that he's some kind of victim too for staying. I don't trust them not to give him info about my son should he get in contact. My brother has a bit of a god complex and is really not a nice person and if I'm honest i have always thought he'd end up hurting someone.
I can't say how I'd react if one of my dc committed such a crime, or stayed with a partner who did. It would be hard not to minimise because the anguish of the situation would be horrific.
If you're so uncomfortable about them talking to your db about your ds then the only way to deal with it is to set very firm and clear boundaries with them, and firm consequences if they go against your wishes.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it
I am trying to understand the minimising and can totally see why they want to believe he wasn't involved.
I'm just struggling to trust them I guess.
I think you have to try and rationalise what the risks are. Ask yourself if you believe they are capable of doing anything that would harm your ds, or if they would go against your wishes regarding him. So long as they aren't putting pressure on you to be in contact with your db, and are supportive loving parents to you, then it is probably possible for them to keep any relationship with your db completely separate from any relationship they have with you and ds.
Given you describe your mother as a 'nightmare' I don't understand why you would consider leaving your child with her in the first place. You don't have to have a relationship with your brother.
My son being born seems to have been the catalyst for her improving her behaviour and I think she see's providing his childcare as some form of redemption.
I am aware that I don't have to have a relationship with my brother and I have no intention of doing so. My issue is that I'm struggling to cope with them very actively pursuing a relationship with him.
If your mother is a nightmare and your father weak, and they have managed to produce someone who wants a relationship with a sex offender, do you want them looking after your child anyway?
I would find alternative arrangement for your DS's care. I also think the minimising is very worrying.
Is your mother a narcissicist? Have you had a look at that website outofthefog.website?
Your parents have 2 children and your dad wants to have a relationship with both of them. Also your approach that
she see's providing his childcare as some form of redemption is off - isn't it just your mum being super kind to you to help you? Would you find it in you to be grateful and appreciate the gesture?
And what about the way you speak about your brother?
My brother has a bit of a god complex and is really not a nice person
To me, you just come across as a little princess who thinks that your mum would be doing you a favour by looking after you DC and how dare your father keep in touch with his own son if little princess doesn't approve? It's not all about you, you know.
Daily that's exactly what I am wondering. I doubt I am going to take her up on her offer tbh. I was taken aback when she suggested it and she has kinda acted like it's a golivent hats how it going to be. It will create a massive shit storm if I refuse, but obviously I would rather that than my son suffer in any way. My dad says that he can see the mistakes that they made which have contributed to my brother making the decisions he has.
Gym I have looked at that previously, there are definitely some elements there but I don't think she is a full blow narc. My dad has always been her enabler but me having my child seems to have made him stop pandering to her so much. He said that he knows that if her behaviour was to continue that they would end up not having a relationship with my son also.
And Jo, very helpful thank you. I'm glad I can now see that it's totally uneasonable of me to be uncomfortable with my parents being ok with spending time with a sex offender. Silly me! And yes of course I should be totally grateful that the woman who hasn't managed to maintain a single healthy relationship in her life and who is bordering on abusive wants to look after me son. What a princess I am!
Don't listen to jojo, he/she has obviously never been in contact with narcissists.
My guess Stitchmum is that your mother wants to have your son as he is a source of narcissitic supply. If it was only to support you then she would be OK with you refusing ti hand in your DS. You need to protect your DS first and foremost. You are a grown up and don't need your parents approval. They need to accept your choices for your DS.
Oh and well done Stitchmum, it's not easy when you are dealing with unreasonnable family members.
Stitch, sounds to me like you are thinking this all through nice and clearly. I think you will have to turn down your DM's offer of childcare - it comes with way too many strings and a network of obligations. And she has shown her judgement to be massively off if she thinks your brother's partner is okay - serving 2 years (which means an actual sentence of more like 4) indicates a very severe crime indeed.
Ignore Jojo - there seems to be an unwritten mumsnet rule that every thread has to have at least one completely bonkers poster, and that post just happens to be your quota for the thread!
I think that if your mum has traits of narcissism, you would be advised not to leave your DS with her, no matter whether her behaviour has (temporarily?) improved.
It sounds like your brother was the golden boy - were you a scapegoat? She may see your DS as an opportunity to have your brother back as a child. And that's not healthy.
Yes, JoJo's got it, very insightful. Spot on.
Thank you so much guys!
It was a serious offence and he was attempting to make it an even worse one but thankfully the child's mother found out in time. We only found out because my mum googled his name in order to try and find his Facebook account.
I have thought that she might view my son as her second chance, you are spot on with the golden child thing, my brothers nickname was golden balls for years
Much of my mothers behaviour is unhealthy and I certainly don't want my little boy exposed to that.
I really do appreciate your replys, sometimes it's hard to put things in perspective when you're in the midst of it!
This is a tough one I think. When Ian Watkins was sentenced and that boy from Leeds who murdered the schoolteacher I thought a lot about what I would do if my child did something truly truly heinous. And it's a fear that's up there with the fear of them dying or being abused etc. That cold icy hand around your heart when you imagine the unthinkable. And I came to the conclusion that I couldn't stop loving them. I could despise the action but not the person.
And based on my understanding of your post it wasn't your brother's action, it was his partner's? So immediately there's a step removed here for your parents. So I can see why they would want a relationship with your brother despite the horrible stuff surrounding his relationship.
BUT that in no way diminishes their relationship with you. They have two children and they need to properly maintain a relationship with both of them. That includes respecting your wish to have nothing to do with your brother, not passing on information and holding your boundaries firm. If they are unwilling or unable to do that then you have a big decision to make.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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