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Going back to abusive other half?

(36 Posts)
Changednameforanonymity Mon 24-Oct-16 22:46:42

What would you need to see/hear from an emotionally abusive other half in order to agree to get back together? Especially when there are children involved. Is it reasonable/possible to manage with a low level of emotional abuse? Thanks

Myusernameismyusername Mon 24-Oct-16 22:48:23

No confused
Why would you consider it?
It's a horrible lesson to teach children that 'low level abuse' is tolerable

Violetskies123 Mon 24-Oct-16 22:49:08

I would never, I know I am worth more than that.

Bob19702 Mon 24-Oct-16 22:49:17

I would think that no level of abuse is acceptable, children or not ..

Threepineapples Mon 24-Oct-16 22:50:15

Absolutely nothing would persuade me to go back to someone who had abused me. Ever.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 24-Oct-16 22:50:25

Obviously no abuse is the only level PP!

PopFizz Mon 24-Oct-16 22:50:45

I would never go back. If they've been abusive for years, it won't be a quick fix. They will be able to tell you what you want t to hear, and then revert. And then you'll be stuck, but harder to get away a second time. Please don't go back. Especially "for the children"

Wolfiefan Mon 24-Oct-16 22:52:24

Why should you have to manage abuse? Of any level. Why would you raise kids allowing them to see that and think that's the sort of relationship they deserve and should aspire to?

Costacoffeeplease Mon 24-Oct-16 22:58:00

Low level abuse? Just an occasional slap and a bit of controlling?

Jeez, no, never

nicenewdusters Tue 25-Oct-16 00:06:25

No: to answer all your questions.

To turn your question around, what exactly do you think you'd have to say to:
1. make him realise he's EA
2. change him
3. decide the point at which you felt you could live with his EA

Just supposing that 1 - 3 were possible, which they're not, will you ask your children what level of EA is acceptable for them?

Even if you don't think you're worth more (and you are) your children do not deserve to be put in this situation.

Mistletoekids Tue 25-Oct-16 00:07:27

No way ! stay away ! Especially because there are kids

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Tue 25-Oct-16 00:10:15

You've done the hard part by leaving.
Why ruin all that by going back?
All it will do is teach your children that abuse is ok

BlackeyedSusan Tue 25-Oct-16 00:16:30

don't go back lovely. if you go back he will know that he can be abusive and get away with it. it might get worse. in fact it will get worse. thre might be the honeymoon period when he is all lovely for a bit to hook you back in again... then you are stuck with worse abuse.

stay left.

Changednameforanonymity Tue 25-Oct-16 00:36:09

But I can always leave again... Feels worth trying. Other half acknowledges problems/seems to acknowledge abuse.

Abuse has been quite standard emotional abuse, controlling and undermining behaviour etc.

On the basis I do go back, can anyone advise on original question- what do you think is important that I hear from him 1st?

Apologies for vagueness but don't want to out myself by accident.

Thanks so much for responses.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby Tue 25-Oct-16 00:38:32

I wouldn't even consider this. What is it that you find attractive about him.

My mother went back to my very emotionally, physically and sexually abusive father several times throughout my childhood. As an adult our relationship is fragmented and damaged purely as a result of this.

JoJoSM2 Tue 25-Oct-16 00:44:54

Sounds like you don't need to hear anything- you're longing for more... any normal person would never ever be in touch with him again.

HeavenlyEyes Tue 25-Oct-16 00:53:19

nobody here is going to validate your decision to go back - the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Why do you think you need to manage his behaviour? Poor kids being subject to his abuse. If not for you then please don't go back as you need to protect them from him.

nicenewdusters Tue 25-Oct-16 01:01:47

I'd want to hear this.

Yes, you're right. I have psychological and emotional problems. So I'm going to seek professional help, for as long as it takes. In the meantime, I'm not going to risk screwing up your life and the lives of our children. So, I'm going to avoid relationships, ours and any other. I don't expect you to help me, I've put you through too much. But let's try and be good parents to our children.

Then walk away.

Changednameforanonymity Tue 25-Oct-16 01:03:16

I don't think it's fair to speak of what normal people would do. Plenty of normal people end up in relationships like these and give the relationship a 2nd chance. It feels like a lot to throw away a relationship with good points as well as bad without seeing if things can be better.

Changednameforanonymity Tue 25-Oct-16 01:04:22

Thanks nicenewdusters, that's quite helpful

redredread Tue 25-Oct-16 01:07:01

What nicenewdusters said.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Oct-16 02:26:59

Everytime you leave and then go back and then leave and then go back is more confusion and upset for your children. They will never know true security. They will never know if living Daddy and Mummy being unhappy is how its going to be, or living away from Daddy and Mummy being happy is how its going to be.

As Nicenew said, I would want to hear that he not only acknowledged the problems but dealt with them, without you being involved or needing to be involved.

Anything that comes with the caveat of "if you come back then....." aint worth shit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 25-Oct-16 04:12:29

It is not reasonable to put up with a lower level of emotional abuse.
Not just for your own sake but for your children's sakes too.

Ask yourself - if this was your daughter, what would you tell her? Would you suggest she put up with it? Or walk away and learn to co-parent without being in the same house?

What would I need to hear - well, most abusers are well-versed in apologies and platitudes, anything to charm their way back in, so frankly, I wouldn't believe a single word of apology or promise to change out of his mouth (assuming a him).

Actions are what matters - so I would expect to SEE and experience a difference, and if that wasn't forthcoming, then I'd pull the plug.
I would probably actively test the situation - behave in a way that would previously have caused EA/controlling behaviour - to see if there was a change in reaction.
I would expect the abuser to have undergone therapy and/or anger management, and to continue to go to a therapist.
I would expect them to acknowledge that they were wrong in every way and at every point, without even a hint of "but you were to blame for my reactions". ANY hint of blame coming from them would be an instant red card.
I would also expect that, should I choose to see him for any length of time, that any hint from me that he was reverting to his old ways would result in an instant apology and change of tack from him.

In short, I would make conditions of return absolutely stringent and unbreakable - any slip and it would be over for good.

I do believe that people can change; but it's rare and almost always requires external input. Unwillingness to accept external help = no real willingness to actually change, so --> bye bye, out the door.

But in all honesty - no, I wouldn't go back.

Broken1Girl Tue 25-Oct-16 04:26:21

Agree with nice & Bogey
An apology. Genuine.
Does he have MH issues? Alcohol / drug issues? He would need to get help for those.
Getting therapy or counselling. A perpetrators course. Learning healthier ways to relate to people.
Genuine effort to engage with the above, sustained over time. Genuine change. Respecting your boundaries about contact while he does that. YOU decide if and when you are prepared to consider restarting the relationship. If you do, taking things slowly, not expecting to resume where you left off.
I would really take some space, for you to recover. You don't say how long you've been split up. He needs to get his life sorted and be better for him, not just to persuade you to get back together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 25-Oct-16 07:29:41

changedname,

Such men do not change. Promises to do so are both empty and meaningless. He is trying to get inside your head and you're giving him headspace.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

If there are children involved the last thing you need to do is to get back together with an emotional abusive partner. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships because they could well repeat those as adults.

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