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I want to stop waiting for him (tough love is OK). Sorry, long post.

(4 Posts)
RoundandAroundSheGoes Mon 24-Oct-16 15:25:08

We had a "non-relationship" for three, nearly four years. At one stage were housemates and sleeping together. He "cheated" during this time (i.e. knew that I wanted exclusivity, promised me and swore blind he wasn't fucking anyone else, but sneaked out to fuck them. I found out by looking at his phone). From early on, he knew I liked him, and when I began to love him I told him so. He never reciprocated that love verbally.

I have a history of painful, abusive relationships.

My last LTR was from age 19-22. He was physically abusive one when he was drunk in the first year we were together, shoving me because he accused me of chatting up a stranger (which didn't even happen). We were at a festival and he stormed off overnight, returning in the morning unrepentant. I tried to break up with him, but he played sad songs, threatened suicide and to cut himself, and refused to give me a lift home from his house unless I'd give him another chance.

We lived together for a few years. He was stoned 99% of the time. I helped to push for an ADHD diagnosis and he got Ritalin, which helped him but he didn't like to take it. He dropped out of uni and his dad was dying. I had a patient die on my healthcare course and began to have a breakdown. He cheated on me again and again, and when I went into his room to see him Skypeing another girl (both naked) I told him he had to move out of our student house and that it was over.

He threatened suicide on Facebook multiple times, and each time I came into his room to find him totally unharmed. His friends weighed on me to get back with him and blamed it all on me. He left out his cheating and his abuse and made me into the bad guy. He finally agreed to leave. His Dad died shortly after, and he left me a voicemail calling me a selfish cunt and describing his dad's corpse, saying I was evil for not answering my phone when he was distressed. This was the final straw and I had a massive breakdown and was hospitalised with psychotic depression (at the time they even suspected schizophrenia).

So that was E, the first ex.

I got out of hospital and began sleeping with S, my most recent ex, and we moved in together. Then he commenced his cheating. He is a cocaine and alcohol addict, but holds down a job and has friends, so minimises this. He is a nasty drunk, saying abusive "teasing" things about my appearance and so on. He is also sexually manipulative and used my affection for him to coerce me into doing certain things I would not normally have done, and at one point tried to get me to sleep with men for money.

I lived with this for about 5 months before I had another breakdown and moved home. I really genuinely loved him, and still do. 3-4 years later, I have tried to cut contact so many times but I always come back. I go a bit longer this time. When we lived together, he took me to hospital once when I was depressed, and spent time trying to cheer me up. It was not clear cut abuser/victim. At times I was probably abusive because I was inconsolably depressed, and therefore awful company, always sad, crying, feeling like I wanted to die. It was more like a codependent toxic relationship.

Now he's saying he always liked me more than friends and wishes I'd been his proper girlfriend.

I remember how I felt lying on the sofa with him and cuddling, how exciting it was when we took drugs together, how happy I was laughing with him and watching TV together, how easy it was for us to chat.

But one time when I found out he was dating a girl behind my back, I threatened to come to his house and confront him, and he told me "if you do that I'll fucking strangle you".

In my head that set off a huge flashing danger sign.

I've never historically been good at spotting red flags but there it was. He also likes to strangle me during sex.

He has also been told during an occupational health assessment that he has psychopathic traits.

He is quite callous and unfeeling and lives with his parents, a parasitic lifestyle.

But I love him and struggle to integrate the good with the bad.

Tell me I need to cut him off for good. That he is not a poor misunderstood soul who loves me and will change. That I can do better?

Blue2014 Mon 24-Oct-16 15:29:14

Oh my love, you deserve so so much better than this. He doesn't love you, he isn't worth it. Look for better, you will find it.

(Honestly my eyes welled with tears when reading your post, this isn't love, you deserve so much better)

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Oct-16 15:40:18

You need to cut him off for good
He is not some poor misunderstood soul who loves you and will change. Men like he do not change. He will put you six feet under.

I will tell you something else as well:-

1. Love your own self for a change.
2. You need to find a decent therapist (BACP are good) to work with to go through and deal with the reasons as to why you have had a long and painful history of abusive relationships. It likely relates to your own childhood and what you learnt about relationships when growing up; your own relationship template is warped and that has to now change.
3. Work with a therapist also on any rescuer or saviour tendencies you have. Read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that resonates with your own self.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Oct-16 16:38:50

Wow - please please please call Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
You need their support right now.
Do their Freedom Programme and learn about relationships, boundaries, red flags etc... so you don't get involved with abusers again.
You will keep repeating the cycle if you don't do this course!
Attend in person.

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