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DP forcing me to work disabled.

(57 Posts)
yellowox Mon 24-Oct-16 14:49:15

I have a DP been together for 5 years, I've recently been diagnosed with CFS, I have continence issues, I wet myself regularly despite wearing adult nappies having medication & going to see urology, I left my last job because I kept wetting myself & the chronic fatigue. DP has a 55k high paying job, my health has took a turn for the worse recently I now have adult social care coming for 2 hours per day to help me shower, clean the house, tidy, cook meals I take DD to nursery who is 3 then sleep the rest of the day. DF is telling me I need to make money he is refusing to pay for my car which he has been using aswell he has bought two houses while we have been together neither have been in my name. He calls me lazy keeps yelling at me to get a job when I don't feel ready to work all my energy goes on dd & I have adult social care payments so it's not like i'm making it up!

He won't buy me any clothes if we go food shopping he complains if I buy a 30p tin of sweetcorn instead of frozen sweetcorn. I told him I was leaving him last week I applied for the housing register band c but he keeps telling me to stay how it's bad for DD how he loves me etc, I need to claim benefits just so i can buy clothes and keep on top of payments. he's also buying a 9k car out of savings & going on a skiing holiday on his own he says he works hard & deserves it. I'm not sure how other peoples relationships work? I just can't believe how uncompassionate he is he won't give me any time to try get better.

Msqueen33 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:52:35

He sounds like a fucking bastard! So sorry your health is suffering but the way he's treating you is disgusting! This is my first LTB but I don't think you should be with him. I hate to think how he treats people he only likes if this is how he treats someone he's meant to love. You deserve someone so much better.

pocketsaviour Mon 24-Oct-16 15:06:08

He doesn't love you, and your DD would be far better off without this abusive prick in her life. He is being financially abusive and is controlling and manipulating you. After you applied for housing last week did he persuade you to withdraw your application or is it still going through?

Boosiehs Mon 24-Oct-16 15:07:49

Jeesus christ. First ever LTB but you would be way better off without that nob!

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Oct-16 15:08:03

Get onto Womens Aid and get an exit plan in place.
You should not be with this abusive prick!
Get away and do it as fast as you can.

Soubriquet Mon 24-Oct-16 15:09:31

If he really loved you, he would support you. Not whinge about a 60p tin of sweet corn and force you to work!


tupperwareAARGGH Mon 24-Oct-16 15:11:04

Why the fuck would you want to stay with that prick??

Leave your daughter does not need to be around that and he'd have to pay maintenance so you might find yourself financially better off.

Get to women's aid sharpish

MrsJayy Mon 24-Oct-16 15:13:37

Bloody hell you need to leave please get intouch with adult social services he is abusing you and as you already have care in place you can get help and make plans to leave him there is no reason or excuse for this mans behaviour its him not you

MrsJayy Mon 24-Oct-16 15:16:54

He does not care enough about his daughter to not treat you like this he cant love you because if he did he would not treat you and his child like this

LifeIsGoodish Mon 24-Oct-16 15:18:26

No, he does not love you. Love shows in what a person does, how he treats you, not in him saying it.

This is abuse, pure and simple.

His behaviour is unreasonable.

Msqueen33 Mon 24-Oct-16 15:22:20

Your dd shouldn't grow up thinking this is how someone who supposedly loves you should treat you. He's abusive both financially and emotionally. Please leave.

sueelleker Mon 24-Oct-16 15:22:31

Leave him while he's on holiday!

JoJoSM2 Mon 24-Oct-16 15:24:44

I think he is just very frustrated - your life must have turned upside down when you quit work :S Have you had any support to help you get back into work? Perhaps you could find something for a few hours a week? I've just had a look at CFS info from the NHS and they recommend that suffers try to work at least a bit... Has your DP got a good understanding of the condition? Perhaps he needs to learn more to be more sympathetic? On the car and holiday front, I think that he is probably very resentful and defensive and hence asking like a complete idiot...
Have you asked what his expectations are and what sort of contribution to the family budget he'd consider fair? It might turn out that it's more about the principle and he'd be happy enough with you doing 10h/week... And you might just be able to manage it if it's spread out over 2-3 days...

JellyBelli Mon 24-Oct-16 15:26:12

It sounds like you have grounds for divorce for unreasonable behaviour, apparently he doesnt think his wedding vows count. flowers

Of course he wants you to stay. He'll have to pay maintenance when you leave.

Smartleatherbag Mon 24-Oct-16 15:26:48

Bloody hell, he's awful. You deserve love and care, not financial abuse. flowers

ICuntSeeYourPoint Mon 24-Oct-16 15:27:08

This is abuse. He's terrible, you need to leave. In a normal relationship he should be supporting you emotionally as well as financially and trying to make things easier for you with your illness. He's not doing that as he doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he's shockingly brazen about showing it.

MrsJayy Mon 24-Oct-16 15:30:39

Frustrated! bloody hell a woman is being verbally abused finacially abused by her husband and SHE is to get back to work for a few hours to make HIM fell better fuck that.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Mon 24-Oct-16 15:31:43

I'm amazed that you are eligible for benefits when you have a high earning partner with numerous properties to his name shock. I don't understand how you could claim?

That aside, you can probably see from writing it all down that he is being not only financially abusive, but emotionally abusive too. Do you have any outside support should you decide to leave?

LifeIsGoodish Mon 24-Oct-16 15:31:56

BTW, how other people's relationships work:

Our income is shared income, no matter who or where it comes from.

We don't make any major purchases without discussing them together, no matter who earns the money.

We don't make any major purchases that are purely for one person's enjoyment and exclude the other.

We respect each other, not call each other nasty names. If we hurt the other's feelings, we apologise.

When I was struggling with exhaustion, depression and health problems (and nowhere near as ill as you) dh would prepare me a huge plate of delicious sandwiches on home-made bread and cover it with cling film, before he left for work, so I would have easy good food available whenever I felt up to eating. It didn't even occur to me to ask for this - he saw I was struggling and realised this was a way he could help.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Oct-16 15:32:23

No he is not frustrated. He is both financially and emotionally abusive. Coercive control like this is against the law. Such men really do feel entitled to act as they do and see nothing at all wrong with their behaviours. He sees you as a non person; someone with no rights at all.

You state he is a DP - I guess you are therefore not married to this individual. Is your application for housing still going through or did he persuade you to shelve it?.

You need to inform Adult social care that you are in abusive situation. Womens Aid as well can and will help you leave on 0808 2000 247.

Your DD cannot afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons about relationships because she may well otherwise go onto repeat same with a controlling man as an adult.

MrsJayy Mon 24-Oct-16 15:32:30

On and the op also has incontinence issues but yeah a few hours day is going to be a benefit

justkeepongoing Mon 24-Oct-16 15:33:47

LTB flowers

MrsJayy Mon 24-Oct-16 15:34:32

Individual personal disability benefits is not means tested it is a personal allowance

Corialanusburt Mon 24-Oct-16 15:35:30

He's so unkind OP. You must leave him. Contact Women's Aid for advice on an exit plan. Start gathering up what you need to leave.

DollyBarton Mon 24-Oct-16 15:36:29

You say DP, I assume you are w not married. Which is unfortunate as if like to see you take some of his money with you when you go. He sounds awful and very abusive. Get out now before he teaches your daughter to treat you like that too.

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