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AIBU to be really upset that husband is watching porn a lot....

(19 Posts)
sailingmum1 Mon 24-Oct-16 13:17:47

I know there are a lot of threads about this already but last night I accidentally found a whole load of porn site on my husbands laptop. Nothing child/animal related but it was all anal sex related - something which I'm definitely not in to!
I'm not anti porn but find a number of things really upsetting, hurtful and worrying:-
1) the kids use his laptop and he hadn't deleted his history so they could have easily access the sites by accident like I did.
2) He says he started watching a lot a few months ago when we had a period of about 3 weeks where sex was nonexistent due to poorly DD (in hospital for a week) and me being exhausted and worried.
4) He has been watching it daily and is now finding it hard to stop.
5) He says that he watches porn because I don't instigate sex often enough and he therefore feels I don't want him. We probably have sex once a week and in fairness it is usually instigated by him but it is not because I don't want/enjoy it.
6) At the same time as watching all this porn he has also been looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook. He says the two aren't related and he was just being curious about his ex but it has added to me feeling even more inadequate and insecure.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a bigger deal of it and risk damaging our relationship further but at the moment I don't want him anywhere near me. I think it is the frequency and the type of porn that is bothering me most (along with leaving it easily accessible on his laptop).
Any advice/opinions welcome.....
TIA

adora1 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:06:41

Well I am not one of those posters that are going to pretend I am cool with my partner watching porn, I find it vile tbh, and unnecessary past the age of 12.

Disgusting he is allowing the children to access this also.

You either accept the blame for his choices or you tell him it's not acceptable in your home or relationship.

Sounds like he has a real problem which is pretty worrying.

I don't think it's lack of sex as you are having regular sex with him but I'd not want sex with a man that was using porn daily and risking my children seeing it, never mind the effect on the way I see him and if this was my husband I'd find him pretty unattractive to say the least.

Do not take the blame for him choosing to do this.

LesisMiserable Mon 24-Oct-16 14:13:13

I think he's been incredibly honest with you, as unplatable as it may be. As for the subject matter obviously its not something you want to try and thats fine - doesnt mean he's necessarily 'wrong' to feel stimulated by the idea of it. Watching porn in general can become a horrible habit.and it is desensitising and I'm afraid to say the lack of your sex life wont help. Catch 22 I know.

Hillfarmer Mon 24-Oct-16 14:15:49

He says that he watches porn because I don't instigate sex often enough and he therefore feels I don't want him.

Outrageous! He's blaming you for his awful behaviour. This is downright immoral.

* don't want to make a bigger deal of it and risk damaging our relationship further*

Again... you would get the blame for anything bad happening. Just who is damaging your relationship here? Not you OP.

Sorry you are going through this. He is behaving incredibly badly and not taking any responsibility for his actions. That in itself is pretty bad. But then he explicitly or implicitly blames you for what he is doing - super bad!

I don't know OP, but absolutely the first thing is that you make it clear that you don't accept any of the blame for this.

He needs to seek help for his problem.

And no wonder you don't want him anywhere near you. That is an entirely reasonable reaction to all this. Don't let him guilt-trip you over any of this.

HamsterTastic Mon 24-Oct-16 14:15:52

Lack of a sex life?

Going three weeks with no sex while your child is ill is hardly no sex life.

pocketsaviour Mon 24-Oct-16 14:30:11

It's up to you to set the boundaries in your relationship.

I watch a fair amount of porn and the only thing in your points above that would bother me would be the kids potentially borrowing the laptop and auto-complete in the address bar changing "Youtube" to "Youporn" or similar. If kids use the laptop then he needs to either change his browser settings so that it wipes history every day, or use incognito/private browsing for any adult sites.

But what's right for my relationships isn't necessarily right for yours, and only you can decide on that.

leaveittothediva Mon 24-Oct-16 16:04:58

I'm anti - porn because of the way that it causes intimacy problems in relationships. It's a dangerous practice to be involved in, because of the insidious way it makes people addicted to it.

He is using a lot of porn and is now finding it hard to stop his usage, one of the signs of addiction right there.

The children seeing this just doesn't even bear thinking about.

You say you probably have sex with him about once a week, if he instigates it, but that's not because you don't want to/or don't enjoy it.

That statement right there is your problem, sex once per week isn't enough for him, I'm simply stating fact. It's not meant to denigrate you in any way, but If you really were interested in sex, you would instigate it, but you don't. Is there any reason for this, that maybe you haven't stated. I mean we're you always a once a week couple?. What's his take on this.?. Looking up his ex on Facebook is just another symptom of this problem. I mean you say you feel insecure and inadequate, he says he turned to porn because of lack of sex, so he feels insecure and inadequate, because his wife doesn't initiate sex with him.

He is telling you what it's all about. I'm not in any way agreeing with him using porn. You are sexually not on the same page. Compromise is needed, or if you simply aren't sexually interested in him, you need to split up. I not expecting my opinion to be popular, but I'm sure if your husband is honest, it's exactly what he's thinking. And you saying at the end of your post that you don't want him anywhere near you says it all really. Therin lies the problem.

Meeep Mon 24-Oct-16 16:11:59

You aren't being u to be upset. Everyone has their own boundaries and you've got to decide for yourself what you are happy with in any relationship.
Personally I wouldn't date anyone who used any porn, I just don't like it, but I know that's not the way most people think.

adora1 Mon 24-Oct-16 16:16:10

I just don't see how having sex once a week can turn a person into a daily porn user, it's a choice, it's not a need, perhaps if he put the laptop away and ensured his poor kids don't see anal sex which will no doubt stay with them for years and concentrated on making his partner feel wanted and desired, not just for sex but for who she is, perhaps then he would find himself having more sex.

I just don't like how the OP is somehow being blamed for his addiction and it is an addiction if it's every day. Having sex once a week is obviously enough for the OP, perhaps twice a week would be a compromise.

I think anyone accessing porn every day does it because they are more interested in that than actually improving their real life sex life. He may actually be happy with once a week but likes the secretiveness and taboo of watching porn on the side.

Either way, none of it has anything to do with anything the OP has or has not done, it's HIS choice to view it.

adora1 Mon 24-Oct-16 17:49:17

but it has added to me feeling even more inadequate and insecure.

And do you know why OP, because if most women were honest they are not happy with their partner accessing porn, especially to such a degree and guess what, it's ok to tell him you don't want it in your home, around you or your kids - sick to death of hearing about women feel they have to accept shit behaviour, no you don't and that includes looking at porn, web cams, chatlines, sex forums, dating sites - all of them,, it's not acceptable to you and it wouldn't be for a lot of us.

What he does is of his own volition, you are not inadequate or insecure, if anything, he is, he is the one with the problem, don't make it yours too.

Do not believe this myth that all men watch and need porn, it's bullshit.

user1477054316 Mon 24-Oct-16 18:15:57

I'm so sorry for your difficulties, you must be heartbroken. I'm in a similar situation unfortunately. I gave birth 11 days ago and 36 hours after my baby was born I came home to the horrible shock that my husband had been watching porn. He told lots of lies attempted to drip feed me more lies. After days of tears I broke down he admitted he's been doing it behind my back at any opportunity for the last 3 years. I feel such a fool because I suspected nothing because he lied about how much he hated the sex industry. We had a full and exciting sex life right upto our sons birth. I'm left feeling foolish, that my trust in him has eroded and I feel so ugly and vulnerable. Bizarrely what hurts most isn't the porn, it's that it made my honest husband into a bare faced liar. He swore on our children's lives, something I didn't ever think he would do. I have 4 children and barely get time to go out but now I know why he always encouraged me to go out. I feel so foolish, apparently he pleasures himself but stopped short of orgasm to 'save it for you' (were his words), so each time I came home and he was horny I believed it was because he was happy to see me and we made love. What I didn't realise is that he had been warming up to that and using me to finish the job. I agree with the other ladies comments, we shouldn't be made to feel wrong to dislike porn. I guess it's the deceit that hurts. I hope your ok and thinking of you. Your not to blame x

Naicehamshop Mon 24-Oct-16 18:18:55

He sounds absolutely horrible op - do NOT accept any responsibility for his behaviour. angry

sailingmum1 Mon 24-Oct-16 18:46:20

Thank you for all your replies - I'm feeling much stronger reading your supportive comments and reassured that I'm not the weird one because I don't want him to be watching porn.

user1477054316 I'm so sorry you have found yourself in a similar situation particularly so soon after having a baby. Congratulations on the new arrival but when you should be really happy life can be seriously crap sometimes.

Adora1 your comments have made me realise that I shouldn't be blaming myself. Yes, we could have sex more often, yes I should have instigated it more often but with two young DC, running a business along with everything else tbh I think once a week isn't bad going! Or is that just me?!?

DH has just come back from work and is acting like everything is absolutely fine whereas I'm sitting her contemplating our future together......

user1477054316 Mon 24-Oct-16 19:11:01

I won't lie, it's devastated me. I agree with the other ladies though, you need to lay down boundaries but he may not respect those if he has a big problem. Inititaing sex can feel awkward but the more you practice the more natural you'll feel about it. Please don't feel pressured to feel any particular way though or to go along with things that don't feel right. Hope you feel able to talk to your husband about just how hurt you feel X

SherlockStones Mon 24-Oct-16 19:14:45

Putting aside the issue of him not clearing his history which definitely needs to be addressed.

It sounds like you don't want him watching porn and that he should be happy with whatever he gets whenever he gets it.

What does he get to decide?

rockabillyruby82 Mon 24-Oct-16 19:24:10

Ah ladies, I feel your pain! My XH watched a lot of porn, he was very open about it when we first met and only watched it when I worked evenings/nights. Fast track a couple of years after DC1 and he was watching it every day, also anal. I spoke to him about it and he started to hide it (not very well though). Admittedly our sex life wasn't great, I had PND but I always tried. He seemed to prefer staying up late while I went to bed and he'd watch it then. It made me feel like crap, especially when he would sodomise me without consent. I avoided sex with him.
YANBU but you need to nip it in the bud now, tell him how you feel.

TheNaze73 Mon 24-Oct-16 23:03:37

Its not good the way you found out, he should have told you before & he told you why he felt the need.

It's a difficult one to sort. If you're not initiating anything & he has a higher libido, then naturally he's going to turn to masturbation. Sex once a week, wouldn't be enough for a lot of couples

adora1 Tue 25-Oct-16 10:06:36

OP, personally I think sex once a week is good, he's hardly sex starved, it's not about sex, it's about choice, if it as just sex, he'd use his hand.

Dieu Tue 25-Oct-16 11:05:23

I'll probably get flamed for this, but in my (very relevant) experience, when a woman stops initiating sex, it's often the death knell to the relationship.

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