Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me put this into perspective and stop me making a tit of myself

(108 Posts)
Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 12:39:45

I have no reason to be suspicious of dh and know I am being irrational but
To cut a long story my sister bought dd a horse for Christmas no I am not a troll. The yard we are at is very friendly mainly all woman. Dh has taken this surprise horse extremely well he loves being at the yard and goes most days after work he works night shift so it in the morning he poo picks mucks out etc. The yard has gone to being diy so we have come to an arrangement starting this week that v will put out our horse while dd is at school and we will bring hers in. So obviously there has been texts between v and dh why she doesn't text dd I don't know.
She seems to be constantly texting surely it can't be that difficult to sort out. He was late home the other day as he went looking for wire for her rabbit hutch which annoyed me as I have a few jobs round the house that need doing when I question what takes so long at the yard he's always helping her do this that or the other. Dd got a text to say the rabbit has escaped after dh fixed it. He never mentioned he had been round to fix it. I would of expected a text saying he was going to do it or even him to mention he had been to do it or a picture of it as I love animals
So I have been a bit niggly all week oh my jobs will have to wait as u are to busy
Well fast forward to last night and she starts texting her at 11.30 when we were in bed I was giving him a cuddle with the possibility of it leading to more but no he jumps up and starts texting her back. It was to do with horses but doesn't involve our arrangement or us plus she has a partner she can discuss things with
So I ve had paddy accused him of all sorts and attempted to sleep on the sofa last night. I am over thinking everything driving myself crazy and am forcing myself not to text her to say stuff the arrangement I will put our horse out and stop texting dh which of course I will regret on cold winter mornings. Someone give me a slap and tell me to stop being so daft

Happybunny19 Mon 24-Oct-16 12:45:37

Wow that's confusing, who is he texting, your sister?

FourToTheFloor Mon 24-Oct-16 12:50:00

It's a little confusing OP but my 2 cents worth is it's not looking good. Doing stuff for another woman when there's stuff to do around your home hmm

And replying at 11.30pm not on. Who's the ow though, someone called V or your dsis?

BagelDog Mon 24-Oct-16 12:54:54

How did he react when you had a paddy? If he thought it was funny or daft, showed you a lot of boring messages about horse feed and rabbit hutches, and acknowledged that he had been sending way to many texts, then cool. If he got defensive, defended the messaging, won't show you everything, isn't sorry even when you explain that you feel he rejected sex with you to message her, then not so good. You two need a proper conversation about where your boundaries are as he is at least paddling in the shallows of an emotional affair...

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 12:57:38

He didn't exactly help matters when I said ffs we can't even have a shag without her texting to which he said oh don't be like that and continued to exchange messages to which I stomped off downstairs he follows me down 20 mins later I presume when they had finished texting and says to me they are just friends he helps her out as they are usually the only ones there at the time and he gives her a lift home sometimes gggrrr. so yes that was like a red rag to a bull at stupid o clock in the morning and probably not the best thing for him to say. I am sure it's all innocent but I am fuming with him

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 12:59:11

Sorry he's texting v not my sister

MatildaTheCat Mon 24-Oct-16 13:04:41

She is crossing a line and he needs to see that. Maybe he's a bit flattered by her interest and doesn't see it as inappropriate but I wouldn't be that happy in your situation either. Just tell him calmly that you think she could be seeing his willingness as more than just being helpful.

If he really can't see that then yes, you do have a bit of a problem even though it's probably all very innocent at the moment.

Not sure how much more you can say TBH.

BagelDog Mon 24-Oct-16 13:06:13

Well my now ex had a 'workfriend' whom he was just friends with, she needed moral support moved by into a role with more teaching and student contact, he was doing more writing and she was being supportive about that... and then the messages got really cosy and all about how charming and helpful and persuasive and under appreciated and wonderful each other were. Then it got really flirty. Then they shagged. All in about a fortnight... so I am probably a bit quick to call out emotional affair tbh. Current DP has been warned I might be a bit overly neurotic.

It is really about the balance between how transparent he is able to be within the relationship, so being happy for you to see the messages, letting you know when he is there helping out etc, and you both being on the same page about where the boundaries lie. If you feel late night texts intrude into your couple time and he knows that, then he needs to ignore them till the morning. You need to have a clear chat about where exactly the line lies so you would both be clear what would be inappropriate behaviour and crossing that line. Where exactly the line falls is different for every couple but worth making sure you both reckon it is in about the same place...

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 13:11:52

V had just finished work which is why she was texting at that time. He has since offered to show me the text but as I am annoyed I just said he's probably deleted some of them anyway

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 24-Oct-16 13:14:00

Like others have said, affair or not, he is spending a lot of emotional and physical energy on his relationship with v which is detrimental to his relationship with you.

FWIW I had words with my DP about being concerned about him spending time with someone from work. His response was to say he could understand why I felt that way, to explain why I had nothing to be worried about, ask if there was anything else I wanted to ask or to say about it, offer for us all to get together one evening so that I could get to know her too and see that it was all above board etc.

Your DH's reaction doesn't seem as concerned for your feelings as it could be.

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 13:39:53

I am not helping with my snide remarks. We are having the vet out today and they have just rung to confirm a time so I said was that the vets when his phone rang he replied would u believe me if I told u anyway so I've sniped back I totally believe who was texting you at 11.30 pm last night. He took dd to the yard this morning and my jibe was oh its surprising how quick u are when u are together your dad spends hours up there normally. I am off to do an errand that I've been asking him to do all week and have said sarcastically I obviously haven't learnt how to click my fingers to get u to do stuff straight away so will have to do it myself. I know it's not helping and I am winding myself up more but I can't seem to help myself making remarks

Cherrysoup Mon 24-Oct-16 13:45:41

Think I'd move the horse, TBH.

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:29:14

Moving the horse is not an option as it's a lovely safe yard for dd and the horse is settled. I probably just need to get over my dented ego. Tmi I know but we don't dtd often he works nights I work days kids are older now and we are really busy. Dh is off this week kids were shattered so In bed by 10 pm we had both had relaxing baths watched a bit of telly cuddled on the sofa all of which never happens and then he starts replying to texts pfft

Happybunny19 Mon 24-Oct-16 15:39:33

Right thanks for clarifying. For what it's worth I would react pretty badly if I were you and he should understand why.

I would probably end up putting my foot down about doing her little chores regardless of whether he does the jobs required at home.

Just in case he struggles to understand the concept of an emotional affair, you either show him some examples on mn that end up in divorce or set out an example where you explain how he would feel in a similar situation. If it still carries on you either get rid of the horse or him.

26milesofcbeebies Mon 24-Oct-16 16:37:21

Coming at it from another perspective- I found a new hobby that I enjoyed far more than i had anticipated. Like your DH getting involved with the horses because of your DD, I only started doing it because it fed into something else. So, my enthusiasm took me by surprise and took DH by surprise. The only person I had to talk to about it was a male friend who also did it.

DH felt threatened by it and mistook my enthusiasm for a crush on this other person. It drove a massive wedge between us- I felt he was being entirely unreasonable and was asking me to give up something I very much enjoyed. His insecurity made it really difficult for us to talk about it in any rational way. It's entirely possible that the problems in our relationship were already there but this exacerbated it 10 fold. I don't know if our relationship will recover.

It is horrible to hear your partner say they don't want you to do something that is a source of happiness because they have ungrounded fears- i felt like DH had no faith in our relationship or me, and that he was asking me to stop doing something I enjoyed because of his fragile ego.

Is it possible that your DH is in a similar situation- that he is invigorated by this new interest and it is part of a new friendship? If the pair of you are bickering perhaps it is more fun at the yard.

What I am saying is tread carefully and be wary of the calls of emotional affair or suggestions of giving up the horse. Tell him how you feel, in a calm way. Go to the yard and get to know V. And if you rarely get nights together, ask him to leave his phone downstairs!!

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 19:04:54

I agree with u 26 he is very enthusiastic about the horse and it is a very social yard. I totally get that I am over reacting. He is there she needs help so he does it but it has been annoying me all week that he's been late home all week so the few little jobs I ve needed doing haven't been done. He also spent half the other night texting her about something that should have been simple to resolve. So last night I saw red when when he responded at 11.20 when I was trying to get intimate with him and for him to not come down for another 20 mins knowing I was upset as presumably he was finishing off his conversation which was nothing to do with our arrangement or horse didn't help. It's great he is so enthusiastic about the horse as it was a shock to get her and I sometimes feel resentful over us having her when I am having to take dd to the yard every night

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 19:28:34

But because I've got my knickers well and truly in a twist I can't stop thinking it over he's recently changed his shaving habits leaving some stubble on his face and now trimming down there. I knew nothing about him giving her lifts home until last night and why didn't he mention seeing her rabbit ?? why can't I stop winding myself up about it I am sure it's all very innocent and he's helped other people at the yard as well

BolshierAryaStark Mon 24-Oct-16 19:34:07

Ok, whatever is or isn't happening with this woman & your DH there are issues that clearly need addressing.
You need to make time for each other so you need to sit down & discuss this along with the issue of his time spent doing things for this woman-she has a partner, why does she need your DH as an errand boy?
You need to tell him in very clear terms how this is making you feel & the effect it's also having on your relationship -if he values that he will take on board what you're saying & back right off.

26milesofcbeebies Mon 24-Oct-16 19:42:36

Talk to him, as calmly as possible. I do really feel for you- it sounds like you and your dh don't get to spend much time together so I don't think you're unreasonable to be pissed off. And the phone thing is just rude!

MistresssIggi Mon 24-Oct-16 19:45:16

Wtaf was your sister thinking buying a "surprise" horse for your dd?
You sound as if life is busy enough.
I think it stands out for me that although no one has told you you are overreacting, and quite a few people have said they would be wary too, your response is still to think that you need to alter your behaviour.

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 20:01:49

He's not spoke to me since I ve come in from work is sat watching tv like nothing happened his phone has just gone off so I've said I will leave them to it and have come up for a bath

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:15:11

I really shouldn't have googled emotional affair i am more confused than ever now and still angry with him

Forgettheworld Mon 24-Oct-16 21:34:26

I would feel the same way. It would also concern me if he only recently started trimming down below!

Alfiemoon1 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:40:01

Yes he has only just started trimming down there I noticed when we were on holiday and mentioned it he joked the ladies prefer it. I laughed it off but it's bugging me now. He has had new glasses has started shaving his face and head differently as well recently I thought maybe a mid life crisis as he's never been fussed on his appearance not scruffy but not trendy

Tryitonce Mon 24-Oct-16 21:42:59

Oh the attention to the pubes is a giveaway im afraid.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now