How important and how soon is "I love you"?

[whendoes]

Hi all,

Keen to hear other's experiences. I have a new DP (6 months) and he is great. I finally feel like I have the person I deserve after some crappy relationships. I'm pretty sure what I am feeling for him is love, but I'm not sure.

He makes me feel cared for, does so much for me and is very active in his affections, but is not particularly wordy. He (late 30s) says he has only said "I love you" once and meant it in his life.

I want to say it all the time! I am scared that he won't say it back if I do and that makes me feel anxious. I am not sure why the words are so important....his actions are far and above better than any relationship I have had before where the words were said.

I feel a bit silly and childish - but am keen to hear other people's experiences. How did you know? When did you say it? Does anyone else inexplicably care more about the words than the behaviour?

[Mum4Fergus]

Saying it is no where near as important as making the person feel loved I think...do you feel loved?

[DollyBarton]

My DH took 2 years. He was in his 30's and had never said it to anyone before. It was important to him, not so much (that he couldn't have said it sooner) to me. But meh, who cares. He did and does treat me with love and respect.

[MariposaUno]

The behavior is more important, if you feel he loves you in his actions then he must do,I was like you and was afraid to say it as it is giving something that you might not get back.

I felt the same around six months but didn't work up the courage to say it until 8 months mine was wordy and I was certain he loved me. I just let it out while we were talking in bed and he responded turns out he had said it months before and I hadn't heard him but it didn't change anything.

It was nothing dramatic we settled down to sleep after. I'm not overly wordy and wouldn't say it all the time once in a blue moon for me as actions are most important.

[whendoes]

Yeah - I feel much more loved than with other men who have said the words. So I am not really sure why I care so much. I guess it's because I regularly tell good friends and family that I love them. I like verbal reassurance.

BTW - I am discussing this here so I don't end up having a stupid anxiety ridden conversation with him.

[whendoes]

He has also said that he isn't really sure how he defines it himself. And if I am honest, neither am I.

[LittleOyster]

I like verbal reassurance too, but the hard-headed part of me realises that it's not very significant. In my experience, people mean vastly different things by it in any case. I agree with the posters who have said how he makes you feel is much more important.

Ps. The biggest toe-rag I was ever with was saying it at two weeks. I saw that as evidence of a character defect.

[whendoes]

LittleOyster Yes, there does seem to be a correlation between early "I love you" and twunt-ness

And new DP is so great. He'll do anything for me without being soppy (which would annoy me). I'm just annoying myself with this now - I should probably figure out the root of the anxiety because it definitely has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me...

[SleepFreeZone]

I honestly can't remember when me and DP said I Love You. I think he said it first but I said it back lol. I'm weird about the phrase though in that I don't say it very often. I say it to my kids all the time but rarely to DP and usually because he has said it to me. I prefer to demonstrate my feelings through actions instead.

[PastoralCare]

You could go by small increments...

So you could say: I am very comfortable in your company, do you feel the same?

[JellyBean31]

I think that if you love someone and and want to tell them, you should. Life's too short not to tell the people that you love how you feel (if words are important).

You could break it down so when he does something that makes you feel warm & fuzzy say "aww, I love you for doing that for me", that way it's not a big declaration and doesn't leave a gaping pregnant pause waiting for a response.

[CharminglyGawky]

DH said it at 3 weeks in, he is older than me, not by a huge amount but I was still very young when I met him (20) and had had much less experience than him. He knew very quickly but it took me longer to work out so his early declaration scared the crap out of me I said it back but I'd never said it before and it really freaked me out to be honest!

It took me a few more months before I felt comfortable saying it. Been together 6 years now so we are now both very comfortable with the idea!!!

I actually found a moment a few months later when I told him I loved him and he said I sounded more comfortable saying it now much more romantic, he sounded so happy and I realised he was right and that I actually was sure of what I was saying!

[whendoes]

PastoralCare Good idea. He does often text to say "I like you"

JellyBean31 I might try this. It's giving that horrible expectation of saying the phrase back that I want to avoid.

CharminglyGawky That's a lovely story

[WheresLarry]

Me and DW said it after only 8 weeks but we're almost saying to each other after 6 weeks. It just felt right. We have been together 7 years now, married 4 and have 2 beautiful daughters.

I think you just know when you really mean it. Actions do speak louder than words but obviously it is nice to hear someone say it to you.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

I accidentally blurted it out the first night we met

Luckily DP has a huge ego and his reaction was to mentally say to himself "well, why wouldn't she?!" so it didn't scare him off as such

Properly and soberly, I used to silently whisper it into his chest as we were falling asleep for a couple of months, then it cropped up in a kind of "that's what you do when you love someone isn't it" way. And he's said that he felt the same but wasn't ready to start bandying around the L word just yet.

All in all, discounting the drunken ones and the 'nearly' ones, about 3/4 months I think.

Now we say it all the time - 3/4 times a day sometimes. But we try to mix it up with "you make me happy" or "you mean the world to me" etc which might take the pressure off it being those 3 little words!

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

If he's not used to saying a lot then I really wouldn't put much emphasis on him saying it back or saying it at all first - you could be waiting a long time!

If he shows you that he cares and makes you FEEL loved then he loves you, regardless of whether he says it or not.

[whendoes]

I get A LOT of "you make me happy" and " you mean a lot to me" along with some lovely more creative (and geeky ones). So I am not sure exactly why I want those 3 words. I have nothing to suggest this isn't going to turn out to be the most successful, happiest relationship I have ever been in.

I'm going to sit here and construct some more creative ways of saying and showing it myself.