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Sex...internal turmoil.

(10 Posts)
WWYD2016 Mon 24-Oct-16 10:07:22

I'll try to condense this as much as possible. After 13 years of walking on eggshells to avoid a shit storm saying something that would annoy or anger my husband, we recently had an awful fight proceeded by my husband saying the most horrible things to me, the worst, he'd truly crossed the line. Subsequently he has admitted he's suffering poor mental health and has been for years. I always knew it, he's always denied it. He's sought help and is seeing a therapist, his issues are incredibly complex and will take time to unravel and fix. I genuinely am being supportive I want him to be happy. A period of transparency has begun in our relationship. He's being patient, he's taking stock of situations and making a real effort to pause before he reacts. Here's my issue that I'd like advice with, my libido for him has gone stone cold. He really wants sex. I can't face the moment. I'm angrey, very hurt, I've spent 13 years dumbing down to accommodate his moods, I've hated the pathetic woman he made me but it was more tolerable than fights or silences. I have been open and explained this to him. Give me time. He verbally acknowledges me and takes full responsibility for what he's created. I am happy to kiss and cuddle and snuggle but I just can't face anything more than that. However, in practice he keeps pushing me, unwanted intimate touching, sexual kissing etc, I think he thinks he's seducing me but in reality he's pissing me off, it's another demonstration that my feelings don't count. The 'pathetic' me says nothing I just wiggle, squirm, move away it's awkward I feel like I'm kicking a man when he's already down. When he realises he's getting nowhere he looks all crestfallen, dejected, it makes me feel awful but at the same time cross because I'm aware he's continuing to control me. I don't want to give in and pretend anymore I want the fiesty old me back and I want to be a supportive wife too.

pocketsaviour Mon 24-Oct-16 10:14:38

Yeah, I wouldn't really fancy having sex with someone who had spent 13 years abusing me, either.

And now he may have stopped verbally abusing you but now he's sexually abusing you instead. And giving you the puppy eyes when his sexual assaults don't make you weak at the knees.

He is the pathetic one, not you. Don't kid yourself that just because he's finally seeking medical treatment, that he's not still abusive.

Do you have DC?

WWYD2016 Mon 24-Oct-16 10:36:46

Yes we do.

WWYD2016 Mon 24-Oct-16 11:30:56

Bumping for traffic, your input would be greatly appreciated.

LineyReborn Mon 24-Oct-16 11:37:49

Why do you want to be married to him? It just all sounds so exhausting and stressful. Unwanted intimate touching, repeated over time, is extremely traumatic. You are allowed to call time on this relationship, if that's what you want.

Gymnopedies Mon 24-Oct-16 11:38:28

I think you need to be clear and assertive with him. When you want sexual contact, you will tell him/initiate.
He is trampling all over your boundaries and trying to guilt trip you to get what he wants.

UpYerGansey Mon 24-Oct-16 11:39:45

He doesn't seem to know how lucky he is that you've decided to give things another go. If he crowds you, and you say "we've discussed this, remember?" and he goes on to cross that line, then I'm afraid you have your answer.

WWYD2016 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:02:40

Thank you. I don't even know what will rekindle the sex flame but I know it's not this way.

JustWoman Mon 24-Oct-16 14:46:14

You've clearly told him no, but he keeps trying?

Sounds like that he's hoping you'll feel bad for him feeling rejected and agree to have sex. It's coercion I suppose.

I would say talk to him and tell him how you feel, but you've done that already and he is still trying it on. If he would have sex with you, knowing you don't want to, and are only agreeing because he's pestered so much and you don't want upset him, then he doesn't care about you're feelings, and having sex with him to not upset him is an extension of the tiptoeing around to not upset him.

If he feels his mental health issues have played a part in is abuse to you over the years, do you think he will say it's mental health making him ignore your boundaries? Maybe he should speak about his behaviour in this sense to his therapist too? Maybe they could help him realise that no means no, that you don't and wear someone down by keeping initiating, or make them feel guilty/fearful of anger enough to say yes.

Are you getting any help for yourself? Not to make yourself have sex with him, but to help you heal and work through your own feelings? flowers

Matrixreloaded Mon 24-Oct-16 15:14:58

It's extremely unlikely that therapy will reform him. It's worth reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Also consider some counselling for yourself.

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