Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Realising ex has moved on - how to get over it

(14 Posts)
Teaandcakeat8 Mon 24-Oct-16 08:56:04

Was dating a guy for 5 months ish earlier this year, then we decided to cool it off because we were/are both moving away to different cities (his abroad).

We had a few weeks no contact then we met up again, it was very much like 'old times' and he missed me. Same thing happened a month or so later.

I saw him yesterday but this time it felt totally different; not hostile but for the first time ever we had awkward silences, didn't really cuddle, he has stopped getting in touch with me really and I think it is obvious he has moved on, not with another girl but mentally.

I feel like I've been clinging on because I really thought we had something special and I'm not interested in dating anyone else.

Now I'm feeling very low and rejected. I always felt a bit inadequate and this feeling has amplified and I'm now feeling bad about my own life and decisions I've made. He is very fortunate as was born into money which has no doubt influenced the lifestyle he leads and I don't/will never have this and the experiences that go with it, but I'm very down on myself about it.

How can I get over it and let it go once and for all? Not so much the getting over him part but the feelings of not being good enough/that I should have done better?

TheNaze73 Mon 24-Oct-16 09:03:39

I think you need to work on your mindset in general.

Remember, you're the prize & should never feel inadequate, regardless of whether someone is wealthy or whatever.

In this case, if you'd both want it to work, you would have done, despite moving cities etc. I personally think you've dodged a bulley, as it sounds like hassle & aggravation. You shouldn't be feeling that after 5 months.

hermione2016 Mon 24-Oct-16 09:08:18

Think of this relationship as a mirror that has helped you realise you have work to do on yourself.

Low self esteem is not a good place to start a relationship from as you are likely to give too much.

What are the choices you are regretting? There is often no one route in life but lots of different paths.Those that appear to have the perfect life, rarely do.
Just take this as an opportunity to train yourself so that you are confidant when the right man comes along.

ravenmum Mon 24-Oct-16 09:19:56

You "decided to cool it off" - what did that mean? That the relationship was over, or not? Sounds like the situation was not very clear? If he's moved on I wouldn't see that as any reflection on you. He's just interpreted your situation differently, or doesn't want a long distance relationship. Doesn't mean that he wasn't attracted to you.

Teaandcakeat8 Mon 24-Oct-16 13:38:26

I'm feeling inadequate about my whole upbringing - not going to prestigious school, should've worked harder, made better career choice, travelled more, made more impressive friendships etc.

I'm not in a bad career and am relatively well paid but feel like the relationship opened my eyes to a different way of living.

Cool if off meant it was ending - but on and off we've still been sleeping together. Up until yesterday I think he still had feelings but its been 3 months since it ended and I think he is just over it.

Isetan Mon 24-Oct-16 13:50:52

Do you miss him or the potential benefits of being in relationship with someone like him? It sounds like the green eyed monster's talking and not someone who genuinely misses the man.

This isn't about missing him but everything to do with your perception of missing out on what you think life should have entitled you to.

Teaandcakeat8 Mon 24-Oct-16 15:11:39

No thats not it at all - I'm not jealous.

I'm thinking he was out of my league and now feeling inadequate as I couldn't be any of the those things.

ravenmum Mon 24-Oct-16 16:41:45

Hm, I was quite impressed by my ex's family, who work hard, aim high and are simply confident. But ... my ex was actually a bit fucked up by it all. And I like my more laissez-faire family, they are far from being losers and are easier to be around. There are pros and cons to every background. I think if your partner makes you feel a bit inadequate, well it's maybe not a great sign for the future. That kind of imbalance in the relationship can be unhealthy for both sides.

Have since been seeing someone who shares a lot more of my attitudes and had a pretty poor upbringing, and we just have a lot more in common. I don't want to surround myself by clones of myself, but it is a lot easier to chat about things when you have a similar background - our opinions may differ but we look at things a similar way.

I felt a bit bad when I was younger that I didn't know more things "clever people" knew or have more experience of travelling the world, but realise now that we just didn't have any money, and my parents did not sit around the table discussing politics or anything remotely intellectual. It's a different life and no-one's fault.

Maybe he was in a different league in terms of money and connections, and maybe you were in a different league in terms of empathy or thoughtfulness. We all have our pros and cons.

ravenmum Mon 24-Oct-16 16:43:33

Plus it still sounds to me like he got on with you well, and just broke up because of the distance.

Teaandcakeat8 Mon 24-Oct-16 18:39:27

We did get on well; when we were together I used to joke that I was his 'bit of rough' and he used to tell me off for being stupid. He's always downplayed his upbringing and lifestyle but now I'm wondering if it was an influence in us breaking up. Suddenly we just seem to be poles apart.

garlicandsapphire Mon 24-Oct-16 18:57:50

I personally. believe it's very hard to transition from a relationship into something else - particularly if you carry on sleeping together. It makes it more painful and difficult ultimately as you are now experiencing. It would have been better for you to make a clean.break so you can alllow yourself space and time to heal.

I fear you are torturing yourself rewriting history. You broke up because of the distance but you are now over thinking it and imagining it's because you're not good enough for him. Stop. Stand back. Be kind to yourself. It ended for a reason - he's moved on and so must you now. By doing so break contact and be very very kind to yourself, he cared for you and you cared for him. Don't change it into something else and beat yourself up. Invest in your future life.. without him.

Teaandcakeat8 Mon 24-Oct-16 19:03:23

I am moving to my new place in 2 weeks so I had planned to cut contact then. He was supposed to have moved a couple of months ago but then had an accident which delayed things. I think he will also be gone by Christmas and then I guess that is the end. I'm just feeling so down about myself and I wasn't when we first broke up and it was quite clear to me that I had been cared for.. now I'm doubting myself.

LesisMiserable Mon 24-Oct-16 19:16:36

I've had that lifestyle OP - believe me if you are not happy in yourself you would not be any better off for having a prestigious background or lifestyle. Not every relationship is built to last, regardless of anyone's circumstances.

ravenmum Tue 25-Oct-16 06:45:10

Don't want to downplay your feelings but low mood can easily creep in at this time of year and exacerbate your reaction to a stressful event. I'm half speaking to myself when I say make sure you spend time outside in the day, eat decent food and get exercise.

Might be better just to stop contact now if you haven't done so already.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now