Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Love but not in love

(32 Posts)
basketcasemother Sun 23-Oct-16 23:28:50

So I have been told this by my partner of sixteen years although he can't explain it.
My question is, has anyone felt like this about their long term partner/dh? If so how did it affect you? What was the difference for you between being 'in love' and just 'loving' your other half? Was there anything that could have saved your relationship?
Would love to hear people's experiences of this as I am at a total loss sad

LadySilvia Sun 23-Oct-16 23:33:22

It's widely thought to be a line from the cheater's script, I'm sorry to say. My STBXH told me this: found out two months later there was an OW. Really hope this isn't the case for you. flowers - I and many others have heard these words and they are awful to hear.

benbry Sun 23-Oct-16 23:33:43

Hate to say this OP, but on here it's generally considered to mean he's met someone else he's fallen for. Is that a possibility?

TheNaze73 Sun 23-Oct-16 23:37:57

It can mean that in some cases but, not all.

basketcasemother Sun 23-Oct-16 23:39:37

It turned out that he had 'fallen for' someone else but nothing came of it, yet he is still insistent that it's because he just doesn't feel the right way anymore.
But on the other hand, he is still so caring, would do anything for me etc. I am just trying to make sense of what the difference is ...

benbry Sun 23-Oct-16 23:44:11

Did nothing come of it due to her or him?

Neverknowing Sun 23-Oct-16 23:45:35

I have never cheated and I feel like this. My DP is great, but I don't think either of us are 'in love' we're sort of just amazing friends who live together? I don't know if I've ever had that 'magical' feeling but this is enough for me. We're happy smile

basketcasemother Mon 24-Oct-16 08:05:23

Benbry it was her choice

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 24-Oct-16 08:07:12

OP usually it means that husband/wife has lost any passionate feeling towards their spouse, but they still care about them and would do things for them - more like with a close relative or a long term friend.

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 24-Oct-16 08:09:02

..and inevitably the sex life dwindles.

FourToTheFloor Mon 24-Oct-16 08:11:35

So it sounds like he's got that first rush of infatuation confused with love. He's comparing how he felt about the infatuation with how he feels with you and thinks he loves you but isn't in love hmm

So you know he's had his head turned and could say such a callous thing to you. What do you want? Happy to pretend it didn't happen/won't happen again?

basketcasemother Mon 24-Oct-16 08:33:01

Surely the passion fades eventually or at least has its ups and downs?
No I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, I'm trying to move on but I still can't make sense of things and trying to see how our relationship differed from anyone else's.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Oct-16 08:50:35

You're trying to move on but what is he doing here?.

Its not you, its him. What he has done here is cruel to you, he's dropped this bomb on you.

Actually I would ask him to leave, you need space and time away from him. I think it will be very difficult for you to move on without any form of counselling.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Oct-16 09:03:31

I would also ask for some space to really think things through.
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't 'in love' with you.
1st though he needs to understand loss.
What life would be like without you there constantly.
He's had his head turned.
This is the cheaters script line and it's horrible.
Ask him to give you 2 weeks head space so you can think without him around all the time.
Take your time to think everything through.

basketcasemother Mon 24-Oct-16 09:07:21

He has left but is wanting to be friends. While I do want this as we have children together, I'm trying very hard not to hate him and am very resentful that he could do this to me (and his children!) when he knew how much I loved him and always would have.
He is acting like he has done a noble thing and that we would have ended up hating each other hmmso I'm trying to see his point of view (although I doubt I will ever agree with it)

benbry Mon 24-Oct-16 09:15:06

Morning basket, are you absolutely sure he's not still in touch with this woman? It's unusual to leave the family home if he didn't have to.

Where's he staying?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Oct-16 09:20:12

OK then, just watch yourself.
They always start off wanting to be friends and do the 'right thing'
This soon changes though!
Get yourself to a solicitor and get information on where you stand financially.
Take any financial info you can with you.
How much he earns, savings, pensions, assets (cars etc.).
Do you work?
What is the house situation?
Mortgage in both names? Rented?
Get practical.
This 'man' will not be your 'friend' for much longer.

ddrmum Mon 24-Oct-16 09:20:40

Just here to handhold basket flowersas it sounds like he's distancing himself & trying to alleviate his guilt. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

basketcasemother Mon 24-Oct-16 11:40:48

He doesn't want anything from the house and has already set himself up in a flat. He works with the ow but is adamant that it was over before it started.
We are quite friendly but I'm struggling to understand how anyone could just ditch their family like he has

benbry Mon 24-Oct-16 11:58:15

I wouldn't believe him. If it's not her it'll be someone else.

Why would he leave a partner and children he loves for nothing?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Oct-16 12:06:53

He doesn't want anything from the house
Been there and got the t-shirt!!!
Your Ex might be a good one (although he's cheated and left his wife and family so I doubt he is) but don't think for one second that it will all be rosy for you and he will let you have everything.
When he starts to struggle he'll change his tune!
Get some legal advice.
I hope you won't need it but I don't anyone who has been lucky enough to get everything the 'D'H promised at the start of separation.

Triskel Mon 24-Oct-16 16:05:21

he doesn't understand that loves changes over time and he's getting a huge rush from feeling newly 'in love'.

Being away from you right now won't help if he is getting attention from someone new, but over time he is likely to miss his life.

It depends if/how long you want to wait. the separation worked for us. He just hadn't thought through the realities and needed to experience the loss. If tou want to wait, don't give him nice friendly chats. Talk to him only about kids:finances so that he loses your emotional support entirely. It also starts the difficult process of detaching for you, which helps you move on quicker if that is the outcome.

I think counselling ( from a good, well qualified therapist) would help you a lot just now. I believe it's essential for him too so that he understands what he is doing, but he might not see it that way.

Good luck.

basketcasemother Mon 24-Oct-16 16:42:02

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been trying to detach and am
On the waiting list for counselling.
The trouble I'm having with detaching is that he is becoming more and more depressed and gets upset quite a lot and I would have trouble walking past a stranger who was so upset let alone someone I have loved for so long.
However, as triket says I think he does need a chance to miss the emotional support from me as he's having it all ways at the moment. He's taking part in family occasions yet having none of the responsibilities that go with a family.
At the moment I wouldn't take him back and I don't know if that would ever change in the future. It all just seems such a waste to me so I'm trying to salvage as good a life for my children as I can.

Naicehamshop Mon 24-Oct-16 17:59:08

You are doing the right thing op.

I understand that you are upset by his depression but don't let that stop you from detaching. Your emotional health and your children's happiness are more important than him at this moment in time.

Unrequitedlove Mon 24-Oct-16 18:03:49

I was in relationship/married for 13. No-one else involved but had no desire for my exdh sexually, was more like a brother. I loved him but was not in love and for me, I'd rather be on my own and have an opportunity (or not) for something more rather than plod on..

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now