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Exh buying kids affections

(10 Posts)
Funnylady123 Sun 23-Oct-16 19:19:52

Am hoping for some sensible advice. My exh has previously been abusive to my ds's, this was a major factor in us splitting. Since he left they have had minimal contact with him and he has continued to be an abusive twat. Recently they have both distanced themselves from him and he has noticed. This has led to him buying them stuff and throwing money at them. I am really upset that it has worked. They both now seem to idolise him and I feel they are resenting me because I do not have as much money as him.
Tonight my eldest ds has told me that he will be cancelling plans we made because he is going out with his dad next weekend. I am so upset and tried to explain that is is not nice to accept an invitation then cancel when you get a better offer.
We had a huge row and he accused me of trying to stop him seeing his dad. Although I told him it was nothing to do with him going out with his dad and that he should not drop someone for anyone else I guess he is right and I do feel incredibly hurt.
Anyway, I guess what I am asking is: should I just be pleased that they are getting on with their dad and am I awful for feeling so hurt?
I must add that I have never badmouthed their dad and always been supportive when they have had problems with him, without expressing my personal opinion of the man (he is an abusive twat!)

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 19:44:32

Ok from your DC's POV, they have finally got what they wanted - a dad who seems to care.
As much as it hurts and you want to warn them off trusting him, they will need to find out for themselves.
I gather they aren't little kids anymore so they are making their own choices.
It hurts I know, but they do know you are the better parent. This is a novelty. That will wear off and you will be there to comfort them and pick up the pieces

pocketsaviour Sun 23-Oct-16 19:46:56

How old are they? Can you have a chat with them about how some people pretend to be your friend because they want something you've got?

Funnylady123 Sun 23-Oct-16 20:05:14

Thanks username - you are right. We have been here before and the novelty of being disney dad does wear off, then I pick up the pieces.
I am proud that I have not badmouthed their dad, he was truly dreadful to all of us resulting in me having him removed by occupation order.
It is hard as I am the one who has the burdens of daily life and he just swans in and out as it suits yet claim all the glory. I know even thinking this makes me childish and jealous and I would not allows the dc to know how I feel. Just using mnet to rant!
Pocket- although we are incerdibly close and when things are going bad with their dad, they will confide in me, when he is in disney dad mode, they can become very defensive if I try and discuss things with them.
I feel that the best thing I can do is: feel happy for them that they are having some good times with their dad, be here when they need me and try not to become bitter and jealous (although am strugglnig with this one at the moment)
Any tips to stop the bitterness setting in would be appreciated. I hate feeling like it but am struggling to switch the feelings off.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 20:09:22

I really feel for you but ultimately that's the best thing to do xxx

sykadelic Mon 24-Oct-16 02:55:28

He won't be able to keep throwing money at them forever. Eventually that well will dry up. His true colors will eventually shine through.

I DO however think it's reasonable to teach your children you don't cancel on people for a "better offer" as they wouldn't like it being done to them either... but you wouldn't want a sullen child spending time with you anyway. Instead tell them that it's extremely rude to drop plans with someone just because they got a better offer, but in the interests of spending time with their dad you're going to let it go. However, if it was something you needed to pay for and already had, then I'd tell them that their plans with you stand as it's already set but they could try rescheduling with their father for a more convenient time.

Atenco Mon 24-Oct-16 04:47:32

There is a fine line between badmouthing your ex and protecting your children from his negative side, I think. I really did try not to badmouth my ex, but I did teach my dd from an early age that he usually didn't carry through on his promises, as that was something that affected her, for example.

Sometimes we are so concerned with not badmouthing them, that we big them up.

And yes, you were totally right to tell your son that it is not on to cancel a prior arrangement when something better turns up.

Trifleorbust Mon 24-Oct-16 08:17:55

This is normal, but obviously something that will be difficult for you to cope with. Your sons will not have forgotten the difficult times with their dad, but the love they have for him will lead them to hope he has changed for the better. If that is not the case, and all this is is money he is throwing at them, they are going to need you more than ever when he shows his true colours again. And I suspect he will.

Funnylady123 Mon 24-Oct-16 16:18:34

Thanks everyone. It is the hope that they have that saddens me the most. He has previously not managed to keep up the great dad act and the fallout is awful.
I agree with the fineline between not badmouthing and bigging him up - it is so difficult.
I adore my ds's and have no life other than them- sometimes I wonder if this adds to my heartbreak when they seem so quick to drop me for their arse of a father who has never put himself out for them. Then I feel guilty for these thoughts!! It's all so hard.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 24-Oct-16 17:13:20

That kind of pressure on your kids isn't really fair, that your happiness depends on them.
Focus on trying to make a life for yourself too

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