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Did I make a mistake need help with my confusion

(38 Posts)
confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:13:39

I've posted on here in the past.
I am in a relationship ship that I have been in for over three years now.
It has always been rocky and he hasn't always treated me brilliantly.
In march this year I called an end to it was tired of his games his bull and general selfish ways.
After the break up I met someone else unexpectedly completely out of the blue I went on a few dates as I was single and it was harmless. This man treated me like gold he took me out bought me nice things and told me everyday how amazing he thought I was.
I've never had anyone treat me like this and i didn't know what to do with it at the time I acted casually and never discussed the future or feelings.
I felt like I had always known him he was like a best friend to me and someone I felt like I missed my whole life in a crazy way I could tell him anything and be myself and he never judged me.
My ex did not want to let me go and promised to change and did not leave me alone during this time. He promised me the sun and the moon and I ended my new relationship and took me ex back.
He did change and to some degree he is a better partner than he has ever been but the selfishness is still there and he's gone back to never taking me out or buying me anything we live together and he gives me some money but not that much considering what he earns he doesn't split things and I've got children from a previous relationship.
I feel he only changed out of fear of losing me but over the time he's gone back to a lot of his old ways.
We are close and have a good relationship but it's because i put up with a lot more than I should from him for a quiet life. I do love him and it's been a while we have been together now so I'm scared of change.
The other man was gutted when I ended it and I saw him a few wks ago in the supermarket and he spoke to me he was nice and caring asked what I was doing now and then asked me did I think I had made a mistake I said no and he left it at that.
The thing is I miss him so much he was only in my life briefly but during that time he really cared about me and showed me so much love that I have never experienced before with anyone. I know of course he didn't know me long enough to love me but he said I'm mad about you never felt like this before and as far as I know he hasn't been in a relationship since as we have mutual friends.
I dream about him all the time wondering if i made a huge mistake I could tell him anything and three hours with him would pass in five minutes. I am not unrealistic I'm not a teenager and I don't want to walk out on my current relationship for a mad idea that I've got in my mind that I've walked away from the one.
I love my partner but he's very self centred and I always feel I'm last on the list I know he must love me as he went to pieces when we split up but he's so materialistic and money mad and I hate it as I'm not like that at all.
We have arguments about it as he will quibble with me over a few quid that I owe him etc
I keep thinking did I make a huge mistake walking away from the other man.
Everyday I think About it has anyone else been there help

category12 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:28:42

I'm not clear why you went back to your ex. There must have been a reason. From what you say about the other guy, I can't see why you did. So why was it?

PoldarksBreeches Sun 23-Oct-16 16:30:08

It sounds like you did make a mistake to be honest

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 23-Oct-16 16:35:04

Why are you with your partner?

ChuckBiscuits Sun 23-Oct-16 17:09:02

Yes all the above.

You definitely made a mistake there!

ChequeOff Sun 23-Oct-16 17:16:01

Another one wondering why you are still with your partner. There must be more to your relationship unless it really is about a fear of change

Sassypants82 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:16:04

I'm perplexed as to why you would compare these men by: he bought me nice things & took me out vs he never buys me anything or brings me anywhere.. You say you're not materialistic...
If this is largely how you measure being treated well, I think you need to adjust your expectations, wants & needs.

fussygalore118 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:16:43

Why do you need money from your partner? Do you not work? Or do you mean he doesn't contribute to the household expenses? Also not sure why him not buying you things is such a big deal.

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:28:59

I think I was scared of change and starting again with someone else so just went back to what I know. My current partner has always been emotionally manipulative and I always wanted him to change and show me love which he never really did much and when he begged me back he showed me love and went on and on about how much he loved me and said all the things that I wanted him to say a long time ago.
I feel like I fell for an act it was all amazing for a few months but now it's slipped back to how it was.
I get scared to tell him my problems or things that are bothering me because of his reactions
For instance I had been having problems with the neighbour next door he's a youngish bloke about my age and he kept knocking the door drunk and asking me out. When I said no he started throwing eggs at my car and was shouting my name through the walls i told the new guy about this as it was happening at the time and he said he would come up and have a word and sort it out in the end I got the police anyway.
Since then the neighbour has knocked the door a few times doing the same routine and let all my tyres down then my current partner had it in his head I was having an affair with him etc and coming out with all these accusations and wouldn't go to the door when the neighbour knocked on he made me answer and a big argument erupted in the street and I basically was on my own while my partner sat in the house he came out at the last minute and came to my defence but somehow he turned it all onto me saying I must have gave the neighbour the wrong idea I must of flirted etc and somehow it was all my fault even though the guys got previous and is always in trouble with the police and I know the new guy would never ever do that he would take my word for it and would of been at that door and not make me answer it . It's just an example of how different they are.
I don't know what to do live my life with regret and stick with what I know it's hard when you have been with someone a long time it's scary to walk away .

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:32:29

In reply to this no we never ever go out and I'm on a low income I do work but I pay the majority of everything and I don't want presents I mean it's the little things like going to the shops to buy me a pint of milk or something I need. I don't care if he buys me things not in the way you think.
Also yes I would like to go out now and again or go on holiday even for a few days.
It's my house and he lives here and I pay 80% and he's on double my income but if bring it up a row happens.
Or make me a cup of tea sometimes or cook me dinner etc it's the little things not the big things

Tarttlet Sun 23-Oct-16 17:32:51

I second Sassypants.

Tarttlet Sun 23-Oct-16 17:34:12

Just seen your update - why is he living with you!? And what on earth is his reasoning for paying only 20% of costs!? He sounds awful, frankly.

fussygalore118 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:34:16

Ok well in that case you need to get shot of him. He's taking the utter piss

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:36:38

Like the sky got cut off as I couldn't afford the bill this month and he won't pay he's on £1000 a week roughly most wks and asked me when I'm paying but I can't afford it I've got three children aswell.
I said if you want to put half each to the bill this month we can pay it but he won't. He just gives me money for shopping each wk and that's it.
I don't care about having sky he originally paid the first bill so we could have sky but I struggle with all my other bills so it's cut off and not been put back on now.

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:38:42

He also bought me a car that I didn't want as I my car broke and he made out it was a gift but then asked for the money back a few wks later. I can't afford it all back at once so I pay monthly for the car when I would of got myself a cheaper car but he insisted and never said it was a loan and I wish I never had the car and it's brought up in every argument.

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:41:24

Sorry just feel i have to paint a picture here that I'm not after someone's money or anything. I just wasn't used to someone buying me things and taking me out for dinner that's all and it showed me another life that people can be generous etc but I'm not materialistic I buy my clothes from primark he wears armarni. I'm not bothered about those things I just want to feel cared about and special to someone and someone to ask how my day is or would I like a drink sometimes.

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:52:45

Like when I was with the other person he asked what chocolate I liked and I said a flake and he brought me one from the shop a few days later and I text my friend about it and she was like wow your grateful for a flake and thought it was madness. It wasn't that it's because he remembered what I liked and bought it for me. Maybe you are right and I'm judging my partner to harshly

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 23-Oct-16 18:23:25

See, if it was my house and my partner was refusing to split the bills and wasn't treating me like an equal, I'd be single in no time flat. And I'd sell the car, give him the outstanding money and get a cheap runaround.

It's easy for me to say, but I'm not living your life.

If you aren't happy, you have to do something about it.

MagpieWife Sun 23-Oct-16 18:28:18

Hey OP, you sound really confused and lost.

It sounds like the new man was lovely and made you feel good about yourself and your original partner is mean, stingy and makes you feel insecure and unhappy, so I can see why some posters think it's a no-brainer and you have made a mistake.

I do understand how you feel though - it's hard to leave what you know behind. I was in a similar situation once - I broke up with an ex who just wasn't right for me and then panicked and came very very close to taking him back. He also begged me to change my mind and it's hard to say no to that kind of pressure.

I'm so glad that I didn't take him back though - I'm now married to a great guy who is a thousand times the man was in every way.

You could do the same - although it sounds like you did make a big mistake, if the new guy isn't seeing anyone you still have time to turn things around.

Either way, I'm rooting for you.

inlectorecumbit Sun 23-Oct-16 18:30:46

he is not a DP. He is a cocklodger
You would do well to get rid of him and spend a while on your own -to try working out just what you want/ expect/will tolerate in a DP


Shallishanti Sun 23-Oct-16 18:37:12

OP, your current partner sounds controlling to the point of being abusive.
See if you can find the Freedom Programme locally, I bet a lot of it will ring massive bells for you. As for the other bloke, being so full on in such a short time is not a great sign either.
I hope you don't have any DC, and you are free to move on more easily. You deserve so much better, everyone does.

Hobbes8 Sun 23-Oct-16 18:41:53

You're not judging your partner harshly enough. He sounds like a right knob. Controlling, stingy, unaffectionate, uncaring.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt Sun 23-Oct-16 18:58:33

Your DP is an abusive cocklodger. Yes you made a mistake.

confused84 Sun 23-Oct-16 19:16:36

Thanks everyone was beginning to think it was me. To be honest the other guy wasn't that full on I just think he probably treated me how most men should treat someone and I wasn't used to that so I majorly freaked out and ran back to what I knew.
He didn't pressure me or anything I just felt more like me when I was with him he made me feel like a better person like I mattered my opinions mattered and he said I was really funny and made him laugh and my current partner never says that to me. I think I've just changed and when I saw him in the supermarket I wanted to really blurt out that I was miserable and I had made a mistake but I couldn't . I forgot how I used to be until he came into my life it's hard to explain but I got used to the behaviour of my current partner to the point that I felt it was the best it was going to get and this was it.
The man I'm with is now saving for a mortgage and I asked am I included in this venture he said yes but deep down I know I'm not and even if I was he would throw it in my face that he came up with the deposit so I would rather stay here.
I'm a in two bedroomed house at the moment with three children but would rather that than move with him and it's not mine.
We haven't been out now since June he keeps saying he's saving but it's miserable as I'm not going to get anything out of it.
I'm due some compensation in a few weeks for a accident I had at work it's only a few grand but he's already asked for the car money all of it back and it's Xmas coming up etc and wanted to save some for a rainy day but now I'm thinking just pay him this £1000 what I owe him and get that off my case.

inlectorecumbit Sun 23-Oct-16 19:23:05

I would ask him in return for the X months money due in backdated rent he owes you.
That should cancel out the £1000

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