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MIL - wwyd

(16 Posts)
Lymmmummy Sun 23-Oct-16 15:12:23

Ok just want to get some other thoughts on this - do not want to post in AIBU wanted more of a reasoned response/s

Background is MIL can be v generous but is v overbearing and comes with a range of v unreasonable demands especially in terms of her belief that SIL is enormously important and that it's our responsibility to make the effort to visit them were they and MIL live which is a flight away despite SIL and BIL driving past our house several times a year but supposedly being "far too busy" to stop etc despite SIL having plenty of time to visit other relatives and have many weeks holidays at her foreign holiday home

All well and good and situation had become fairly irritating in particular the way MIL hijacked every trip we made to his home town for the purpose of meals with SIL and would have a sour face if we even attempted to do anything enjoyable for ourselves - but it started to become a real issue when we had kids 5 years ago

Another bit of context is I visited fur w/es to see MIL and everyone despite having just been treated for.cancer in the first few years DH and I fit together because FIL had a serious illness and I thought it kind and appropriate to do so though I never particularly enjoyed it nor was any effort made to help make the trips enjoyable by any of DH family

Now let me say I don't think or expect the whole world stops because I have kids I am perfectly aware it does not but in 5 years despite passing by our house and visiting lots of other relatives overseas SIL has never bothered her arse to visit us or our kids - fair enough perhaps she is just not that interested

But problem I have is other than thinking SIL a bit selfish - is that MIL harps on and in to DC about how wonderful auntie Sarah is every time MIL visits us blah blah quite annoying

3 years in I did make my feelings know I thought it was a bit poor SIL had not visited and no more than that

But this w/e I lost it a bit and said to MIL well when she started off with herself to the kids in the subject well sorry but auntie Sarah isn't that great is she she hasn't even bothered to visit for 5years - at which MIL said again and again how I was at fault for not making auntie Sarah feel welcome etc this is a complete lie and i am furious she says it in front of the kids

Anyway I took MIL aside much later on to a separate room and said "look I don't care if auntie Sarah comes or she doesn't come but please do me the respect of not giving a false impression to my children that I have stopped her coming as this is not true" cue MIL off again with further nonsense of how I had never made SIL feel welcome to come - compete rubbish

Anyway I just bring made to feel bad because I upset grandma or because I raised my voice and I am a bit bloody pissed off that DH has not had decency to say "well it was wrong to cause an argument but yes it's wrong if DM to imply you have stopped SIL visiting especially in front of kids and yes I will have a word "

I did explain to DC that mummy and grandma disagreed on something and that sometimes this does happen and it's nothing to worry about

Really don't know what to do apologise to MIL? stick to my guns? Be furious with DH? Reduce to a minimum contact with inlaws

Any advice welcome

Yoksha Sun 23-Oct-16 15:35:25

I wouldn't apologise. Why should you be untrue to what is obvious.

Your husband is the problem here. I'd be cooling my jets on doing all the running. Listen tou what you're saying to yourself.

Hopefully someone will be along who can give you more grounded advice. Families....argh.

NotTheFordType Sun 23-Oct-16 19:49:27

I'd just stop seeing any of these cunts. Life's too short!

holeinmyheart Sun 23-Oct-16 21:05:23

Usually if a relative passes another's door without calling in, it means that they don't want to visit because they don't feel comfortable/ compatible, with that person. ( I have loads of those sorts of relatives) I suspect that you and your SIL don't have anything in common/ or particularly like each other....why should you?

Your MIL is the mother of your SIL and more or less is always going to take her side. I think it is natural and think you have to accept this.
Your SIL has told her that she doesn't feel welcome at yours. You may not feel it is true but that is how your SIL feels.

I think you should change your mindset. You don't have to see these people much. Do you really want your SIL visiting you anyway? I don't think you need to apologise to your MIL as she wants you to play impossible ' happy families' But It's not a situation worth getting too worked up about.
Life is bit short.

Lymmmummy Sun 23-Oct-16 21:37:58

To be honest I think the whole SIL feels uncomfortable visiting is a lie and just a convenient excuse because SIL can't be bothered to spare the time and MIL won't admit this to be true

SIL would pop in so long as its all completely in her own terms e.g. Last minute whenever it suits herself her and MIL expecting everyone to immediately drop their plans for her etc

I appreciate MIL would favour SIL but it is genuinely I believe completely misrepresenting things to make out the reason SIL has not visited for 5 yrs is because I have made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and my point is I don't like the way in which MIL presented this as a truth to my kids when in fact even DH would agree this is v much not the case

pictish Sun 23-Oct-16 21:57:05

I'd tell her to take her mummy goggles off and see what's actually going on.

holeinmyheart Mon 24-Oct-16 09:39:34

But if your SIL feels comfortable with you and likes you, why wouldn't she want to visit? I have a SIL who is nice enough but we have nothing in common. I have visit her because she lives in the same town as my MIL.

She has never made me feel particularly welcome and even when we have needed accommodation she has only offered a sofa bed in their sitting room. ( I am not sleeping on a sofa bed!) They have a room in the attic that they could have converted by now into a very useful guest bedroom.
I know that she doesn't feel comfortable with me and I feel indifferent to her. She is just married to my BIL so I am polite.
I think your MIL was wrong to involve your DCs and she shouldn't have done it. But no one is perfect and you said she has other good could you forgive her? This spat is harming you, your DH and your MIL as you all will be chewing it over. You to the extent of writing a post on Mumsnet.
Any mention of MILs on Mumsnet is going to elicite the really reasoned arguement put forward by NotTHeFordType as in ' ditch the Cunts ', but it isn't fair.
You sound like a rational person, so put the whole thing down to your MIL worrying about all of you not being major buddies, her being a bit controlling and you being a bit sensitive to slights coming from your DHs family.
We have all been there. My MIL was a corker but on the other hand I looked for things about her to moan about to my DH. If I am totally honest I wanted to be the main woman in his life and was a bit jealous of his affection of her. I also was not as brave as you as I never challenged her either. I didn't have the maturity to say things to her in a non aggressive way. I would just fume all the way home and rage at my DH. I should have let it go and taken my own advice. Life is too short. Xx come on chin up.

OurBlanche Mon 24-Oct-16 09:42:37

she has only offered a sofa bed in their sitting room. ( I am not sleeping on a sofa bed!) They have a room in the attic that they could have converted by now into a very useful guest bedroom. Bloody hell!

clam Mon 24-Oct-16 09:47:43

im not sleeping on a sofabed.
Why on Earth not? Are you too important?

pictish Mon 24-Oct-16 09:58:42

"She has never made me feel particularly welcome and even when we have needed accommodation she has only offered a sofa bed in their sitting room. ( I am not sleeping on a sofa bed!) They have a room in the attic that they could have converted by now into a very useful guest bedroom."

Yes...that unfriendly bitch not converting her attic into more suitable accommodation for you.


mydietstartsmonday Mon 24-Oct-16 10:01:54

It sounds to me you have a chip on your shoulder re SIL. Have you actually invited her to stay? Probably the drop ins were her attempt to visit but were met with hostility from you.
It sounds like your MIL is trying very hard to keep her family connected.

Lymmmummy Mon 24-Oct-16 10:09:27

Thanks for all opinions

I suppose my point is I don't think MIL is making any real effort to keep family best buddies - because she expects no effort from SIL at all and is very defensive if SIL right to make no effort but then is very critical sniffy that everyone isn't thrilled about this but is very sniffy if we don't make effort. So I think she is trying to force double standards on the issue for SIL benefit

SIL was invited to stay many times in the early years and I had never had any issue st all with her until several years had passed and she had made no effort but yet MIL was droning on implying how selfish we were for not visiting her

I don't think I have a chip on my shoulder about her I am merely fed up of her being painted as a saint when I don't think this is the case especially when it's done in front of my children.

I will just take another step back from it all

holeinmyheart Mon 24-Oct-16 18:10:32

Hey, hang Mumsnet slagger offerers. I am not sleeping on a sofa bed with a six foot plus husband with a bad back. The sofa bed in question was assembled by Noah. Even Mrs Noah didn't want it on the Ark.
Anyway isn't the idea that we read the post and COMMENT HELPFULLY on the post? Not attack others who are genuinely trying to help?

holeinmyheart Mon 24-Oct-16 18:14:55

Also my SIL is not a bitch. She is staying with me tomorrow night and will have a extremely comfortable king size bed. I like my guests to be happy.

Naicehamshop Mon 24-Oct-16 18:34:10

Why are you complaining that your sil hasn't converted her attic room for you hole ? confused

Yours is one of the most peculiar posts I've ever read on here!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 24-Oct-16 19:15:35

Well, I'd stop putting in all the effort of visiting them. Do what you want when you are over that way. After all, they think it is OK to be too busy to visit you when in your neighbourhood.

Don't apologise. If anything is mentioned again you could say something like "This is really between DH and his sister. MIL and I simply have different ideas of how DH and SIL feel. We'll just avoid the topic in future until DH and SIL sort it out."

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