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Sexual attraction

(16 Posts)
Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 15:02:49

I think i am confused by sexual attraction and just want some opinions on what is normal! I'm sorry if this sounds confusing to anyone and I hope it makes sense.

Due to various factors in my childhood I developed very damaging behaviour around sex as a teenager and I think I ended up being turned on by being wanted by someone, not because I wanted them. This led to some bad situations where I wasn't sure of my boundaries and also a few relationships that would turn sexless/cringe sex when I would realise I didn't find them physically attractive at all.

I've been without sex for quite some time now because partly I wanted to rebalance myself and learn about what I do and don't want. What I find attractive. There are some men who have instantly turned me on but sadly I think it has been for all the wrong reasons - bad boys who don't respect me etc, the thrill of the chase. I haven't had sex with them but they are more of the fantasy fodder.

I'm dating a man now and we have not have sex yet but I think it will go that way if I let it.

I am feeling very confused over the difference in whether I find him physically and sexually attractive or just because he is so nice, treats me so well, we have so much in common and he clearly really wants ME. When we kiss I get turned on and so does he but I have been clear I want to take it slow and he is very respectful of that.

In person I think he's cute and I love his smile. But when I see a photo of him I don't get all weak knees and wobbly about him, and I don't feel that when I Am around him either - should I be? It feels balanced and nice. I feel myself. He doesn't make me feel like anyone else has ever made me feel (insecure and that I have to try to be someone I am not) but before I dive into something I need to know what is normal, because I don't want to end up having sex with someone who really is just a great friend, not a lover too. And I don't want to not start something that could be amazing!

Just not sure I trust and understand myself fully!

SmellySphinx Sun 23-Oct-16 15:05:52

It definitely sounds like a normal start to a well balanced relationship! You have learnt what's right and wrong for you and have basically answered your own question wink

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 23-Oct-16 15:12:59

I agree with Smelly, it sounds like a great start to a grounded relationship. I have lost my mind in relationships where I have been incredibly sexually attracted to someone and allowed myself to be treated very badly

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 15:20:04

Thank you!
Yes the losing you mind part! - when it's not there I have begun to question why not? I just want to be sure

pocketsaviour Sun 23-Oct-16 16:00:09

Honestly I don't think you will really know if you find him attractive until you've had sex with him. Then it'll either be "Urgh, no, he was shit, bin him off", "Hmm, it wasn't awful but it wasn't earth-shaking" or (hopefully!) "YES IT WAS VERY NICE I WOULD LIKE TO DO THIS AGAIN A LOT PLEASE!"

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 16:24:25

So what happens if it's the middle one - that's what is confusing. What do you do? It's clear on the other 2 haha

Mishaps Sun 23-Oct-16 16:40:56

It sounds as though he is a decent respectful chap. In the long run this may be more important than the sort of sex that magazines and books try to persuade us we all need. Hopefully your sexual activities will lead on from a proper relationship with him, where you have got to know each other gradually. Don't hope for earth-shaking - sometimes sex is just a gentle expression of caring for a person - a bit of closeness that has its own rewards.

You sound like someone who lacks a bit of self-confidence and feels that there are parameters that make a relationship (or the sex that goes with it) either right or wrong. There are no rights and wrongs. There is only what makes the two of you happy.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 16:50:12

You know what's sad to me about your post is that I don't think I have ever had that type of loving caring closeness sex. I was either doing it to keep someone or because it was expected of me. Sad innit

Crystal15 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:57:33

Hmm I think your over thinking this and bordering anxiety slightly. Mishaps put it perfectly. It might not be all earth moving to begin with, but if you like someone enough the sex gets better and better. Yes sometimes it might just be a bit blah, sometimes it's amazing and sometimes it's loving, sometimes it's adventurous. There's no script, people act as if there Is but you don't need to look to others to figure out what's right for you. No one person is the same.

GrumpyDullard Sun 23-Oct-16 16:57:45

I didn't fancy DP very much at all until after I had sex with him. I knew he was a nice guy and he's certainly not minging but he's not a stunner either. I was just desperate to shag SOMEONE (after 5 years of celibacy) and I knew he would be nice to me. He was absolutely fantastic in bed and that's when the weak at the knees stuff started. And we lived happily ever after...

Crystal15 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:57:52

No 2 people, argh baby brain!

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 17:03:54

I am anxious about it, I won't lie!

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 22:13:13

We are going out next weekend because he is child free which is unusual for him. I have invited him to stay over at mine. I now feel clearer if it is what I want to do. It feels right and I just have to go with the flow!

Dadaist Tue 25-Oct-16 23:21:54

Well OP - I'm no expert by any stretch, but I think what we find sexually attractive is shaped in our formative years. Sometimes, some people are attracted to the 'wrong' types because they discover an eroticism to feeling vulnerable, which can be truism and can be a substitute for emotional intimacy. It can be why 'bad boys' are attractive, because they seem invulnerable, providing a partner with a curious sense of security and vulnerability at the same time. Security in his perceived strength, and vulnerable because they seem incapable of emotionally hurting him. Of course it can lead to abusive situations or relationships, which you may have experienced.
But following these experiences, when find someone who is willing to be vulnerable, or caring, or considerate, these can also have the curious effect of making someone feel unsafe, because they may feel suddenly 'responsible' for another's feelings. Most people feel this when someone is obviously needy or clingy but others may feel it triggered over far less - even someone who is relatively secure, if they have been in abusive or dangerous early experiences.
But, fortunately, when you start to have genuine feelings for someone, you give them a capacity to hurt you, even while you are dealing with the capacity to hurt them too. You may find that if you start to fall for this guy, that your emotional response to vulnerability will be heightened and so will your erotic interest - as long as he doesn't come across as more vulnerable than you.
That might well just be psycho-babble - but if any of it strikes a chord then it's something at least?
Anyway, so far you've just described a secure, confident well adjusted person who has a capacity to be caring. Like the above poster suggests - why not enter into it with an open mind and without over thinking, explore your own needs and levels of emotional intimacy and see if things change. Sexual attraction is more cerebral than animal in the end. Good luck!

Myusernameismyusername Tue 25-Oct-16 23:44:41

It makes a lot of sense

so I have been through 3 phases now
1. I'm young and vulnerable and picking bad boys who use me and then leave me, falling into another one because I need to feel good, then just feeling all empty
2. Getting older and Getting rid of bad boys and giving 'nice' men a go - found they made me feel trapped and their needs drove me insane. I've had a few that just wouldn't go away when I politely told them it was over and they tried to manipulate me
3. Long abstinence now even older and fussier and more self aware, looking for (and think I have met) someone who is neither super needy or invulnerable and potential abuser.

Its just scary because it's just the unknown of it all after a long time.

But thank you. I think talking on here has made me feel less mad and actually when it happens I think I trust myself it will be with a good person and be very nice

Dadaist Wed 26-Oct-16 08:01:41

I'm glad it's all helped - and I think your summary covers it! It wouldn't be authentic if it wasn't a little bit scary! Enjoy OP!! - some of us will be quite jealous ; )

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