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ADVICE NEEDED. NC with toxic parents..dad is now sick

(127 Posts)
aubs427 Sun 23-Oct-16 14:42:17

I recently wrote in about my situation. Here's the link. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2726749-Going-NC-with-toxic-parents-aftermath-Need-Advice-Support

Their efforts in a letter and generic birthday gift have not 'weakened' me. Thankfully, I have my husband who has been one of my strongest support system through all this.

However, my sister has just recently messaged me on facebook last night stating that my dad is now in the hospital due to either a minor stroke or a bad reaction to the flu shot. They will be conducting an MRI on Monday.

My question to you guys is, if it is something serious, do I go visit them? My husband is highly against this option and feels that it will just be ammunition to use against me. They clearly have not changed and will not change. He fears that I will undo all the progress I have made in the last few months. I'm not in anyway rushing over there. However, if there is limited time or he's only got so much time left, do I go to visit just to say I did? Will nothing good come out if it?

I feel conflicted as I have always been 'good-hearted'. Except, I know the reality of my situation as based off the letter my dad wrote to me in July was one of blame. There was no acknowledgement of the abuse and basically he spent a page and a half putting all the blame on me and spent two paragraphs comparing me to my sister, as in "your sister went down the right path and you should have followed". My husband feels that my mom will unleash hell on me if I show up.

All I have said to my sister so far is "okay keep me posted".
Please help. sad I don't know what to do.

Whocansay Sun 23-Oct-16 14:50:01

I remember your thread. Your parents were horribly abusive to you and have no remorse. You don't have to see these people if you don't want to. You have empathy. They do not. Protect yourself.

Astro55 Sun 23-Oct-16 14:58:17

Please look after yourself

Ask yourself - do you want to see him?

Will it change anything?

Will it make things ok?

If you answer no- don't go

tictactoad Sun 23-Oct-16 15:09:55

We are NC for very good reasons with MIL who is now knocking on a bit. I have discussed just this scenario with dh. He has no intention of initiating contact with her again under any circumstances. He knows if he did she would regard it as an open door to her insinuating herself back in with all the unpleasantness and bonus resentment that would go with that.

The key questions are whether you feel up to coping with the possible ramifications should the illness prove not to be serious. Alternatively would you be consumed with guilt should it prove more so?

Think it through carefully and go with what's right for you.

Haffdonga Sun 23-Oct-16 15:17:32

You ask if you should visit just to say I did.

Who do you need to say that to? Yourself? Them? Then aren''t you still acting under the obligation they've drilled into you to be the obedient dutiful daughter. You don't have to go and you don't have to feel like you should or say you did to anybody

To be frank, it doesn't sound as if your father's life is in immediate danger but even if it was, what chance is there of any good coming from a meeting? Your parents have both shown they are unable to change and a meeting will only pull you back into their grips. This is their first test of your boundaries to try and pull you back into line. Expect worse to come.

(BTW your sister is probably finding the parents a lot harder to deal with now she is bearing the burden alone. It is very much in her interests to get you back into your role of scapegoat so she can keep playing the golden child. Expect her to ramp up the pressure too. A suspected minor stroke will be folllowed by more. sad)

Stay strong and listen to your dh. He sounds like a good bloke and he has your interests at heart.

Trifleorbust Sun 23-Oct-16 15:20:41

Ignore the pressure from your mum. Do you think you will regret not going? If not, don't go. They sound horrendous in all honesty.

FurryLittleTwerp Sun 23-Oct-16 15:21:43

Don't go - just don't bother - they don't deserve your sympathy.

LIttleTripToHeaven Sun 23-Oct-16 15:22:59

I'm in the same position as tictactoad.

My mother is mid 60s and my sibling and I have been NC with her for nearly 5 years. Also for very good reason and not one that will diminish in seriousness with the passing of time.

We've also discussed this situation. They will make the decision that is right for them at the time, but I already know that I won't.

Milklollies Sun 23-Oct-16 15:24:08

I'm a British Asian (only mentioning because I think it's relevant here) and similar to you we are also taught that parents =right/god whatever. Looking at your op on your previous thread- Those people are monsters and they do not deserve your presence. You owe them nothing/ they don't deserve your presence because if you visit now it will be a form of forgiving/condoning their past behaviour.

I don't believe in religion or hell or heaven. I don't know if you do but I believe after you die it's the end. If your father is near his end then he will die and that's it. Death is a part of life but his death is no longer your concern. he like all beings will fade. If your husband is supportive and loving then focus on the future not forgiving the evils in the past.

You need to tell your sister (in a factual manner) that you no longer wish to be told of your ex 'parents'. They had many chances to be a positive part of your life and they failed each and every time.

iPost Sun 23-Oct-16 15:24:51

Oh love.

I know how this feels.

I discovered this year (via internet chatter) that my estranged father died last year.

And this week my estranged mother got diagnosed with cancer.

I have no advice. I sit in a perpetual state of "what the fuck do I do ?".

But I can offer a truckload of empathy. I am so so sorry you are in a similar (leaky, sick making) boat.

<big fat hug>

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 23-Oct-16 15:25:49

No, don't go. You are NC with them for a reason. Someone being unwell doesn't suddenly change anything.

Even if he really was gravely ill (and I suspect your sister is really playing the role of "flying monkey" here) he'd still be a prize bloody shit.

Trust your husband's judgement and steer well clear. Forever

purplepandas Sun 23-Oct-16 15:26:09

I agree. If you think you will not regret staying away then don't go. You are important here, not them. I have just read your previous thread and I am so sorry that this is how your family treat you. You deserve better. Respect and family love is earned, they cannot expect that of you now, having shown you none in your childhood. Stay strong op and do what suits you.

LIttleTripToHeaven Sun 23-Oct-16 15:26:14

ex 'parents'

A very good way of describing them!

StillSmallVoice Sun 23-Oct-16 15:28:17

I wouldn't. They don't deserve your support. Keep strong.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Oct-16 16:07:05

No do not go and visit him. They have not changed and your DH is right.

It is not your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them this way. They have simply made you and continue to use you as their own personal scapegoat for their inherent ills. Any correspondence from any of your family of origin should be binned or otherwise disposed of without reading.

They will simply use your own good heartedness against you.

Again do not visit, radio silence from you is now needed.

tribpot Sun 23-Oct-16 17:14:52

Absolutely do not go and visit them. Frankly they deserve to be in prison. I think it is reasonable to say they tried to kill you on a number of occasions.

There is nothing to be gained by going to see them so you can say you did. You know the truth of your situation. If other people will pass comment on you not being a dutiful daughter, it's because they don't know the truth of it, or (in your sister's case perhaps) don't accept it.

Your DH believes you. We believe you. I would focus on making them fade from your daily life almost as if they were dead, to be quite honest.

You haven't always been good-hearted (although I'm sure you have a good heart). You have been an appeaser. You had to be - to survive. But they are no longer able to hurt you physically, you are free of them. Focus now on becoming emotionally free of them too. Your DH is right - no good can come of contact with them. They don't deserve you.

Hoppinggreen Sun 23-Oct-16 17:30:23

I went nc with my father.
When my brother phoned to say he was very ill in hospital I didn't go and visit him. I Didnt go to the funeral either
No regrets whatsoever

BubblingUp Sun 23-Oct-16 18:06:38

NC 18 years with my dad. I don't remotely care if he is sick or near death or won the lottery. My life is 100x better without him in it.

JaneEP Sun 23-Oct-16 18:25:13

Going back, helping care for my parents and being with them when they died didn't help one bit.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 23-Oct-16 18:34:25

Several years ago my DM got cancer. I thought I should be in contact. Big mistake. The contact made everyone more unhappy.

I refused to tolerate her nonsense, I kept my boundaries, which was very stressful as she ramped up the abuse massively in front of medical professionals to make me look evil and her the victim. It was stressful for her too because none of her tricks worked on me and the medical professionals realised she's most peculiar, which she absolutely hates.

There have been many more medical emergencies. I stay away. It is better for everyone.

TyrionLannistersShadow Sun 23-Oct-16 18:35:42

I was initially coming on to say you should think about going, but having read you previous thread I am now saying do not go near them, they don't deserve your care or attention. They're highly abusive and not in the least bit sorry, any visit you make will just end up very stressful and upsetting for you so please do yourself a favour and STAY AWAY.

RaeSkywalker Sun 23-Oct-16 18:45:39

We're NC with DH's whole family. MIL was in hospital a few weeks ago (for a planned but fairly major op). We had contact from her telling us it was due to happen and that she wanted DH to visit, and numerous messages from flying monkeys as well.

We decided to send a card wishing her a speedy recovery, as felt this was the best way (for us) to send the message that we had received their communications, wished them no ill, but wanted no further contact. I think if we hadn't done it, things would've kept ramping up.

It's important that you do what feels most comfortable for you. Which may mean doing absolutely nothing. Do not be pressured into a response.

Mix56 Sun 23-Oct-16 18:48:22

aubs. These people have persecuted you all your life. They are warped & twisted & you have had the courage to break free from their cruelty.
You owe them nothing.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 23-Oct-16 18:56:02

This is harsh (hopefully in a good way), its not your ex "parents" that have contacted you. They are not bothered and neither should you.

Aussiebean Sun 23-Oct-16 19:39:31

A question to ask is if he really is actually ill or is it minor and over played.

Personally I wouldn't bother asking and keep going the way you are

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