Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do I let go?(31 Posts)
I posted about this a few months ago (can't remember if I name changed).
I broke up with my ex about a year ago as we were long distance and he was dragging his feet about relocating to be with me but it broke my heart to end things.
I haven't been able to move on and I still think about him every day. I honestly believe he's my soulmate and I've found the last year extremely difficult not having contact with him. We kept in touch for about 2 months after the breakup and the last time we spoke was in February when he told me he still loved me but he'd met someone else and wanted to try and make it work with them.
I really wanted to remain friends as the thought of never speaking to him again was too much. I emailed him at the end of August to that effect and received a reply last Thursday (nearly two months later).
He said he'd only just read the email and made it clear he was happy to hear from me, asked lots of questions about how I was doing and mentioned a birthday card I'd sent him whilst we were together and that he still had it.
I replied immediately and he emailed back immediately too. I felt like he was trying to reconnect so I stupidly told him I still love him and I will always love him even though we can't be together.
He didn't reply to this and he obviously was only replying out of politeness --even though deep down I was hoping it was because he still loves me too.
I know this email has to be the last contact. I know I have to move on but it's such a struggle. I've dated lots since we broke up but none of the guys compare to him. The truth is I don't want anyone else, I want him but I know I need to accept that it will never happen and he no longer loves me.
Has anyone else ever felt like this before and managed to move on and be happy? I honestly believed that after a year I would be over him but my feelings are still as strong as ever. I want this to end, I need to let go but I just don't know how.
Delete his number and email address.
Make a promise to yourself that no matter what you WILL NOT contact him again.
Make a list of all the 'cons' about him, e.g. He loves to far away, he snores, he has this or does that etc.
Then start focusing on yourself. If you find your self reminiscing read you list.
Not to be harsh but, he's found someone else. If he liked you enough to want you he wouldn't be with anyone else.
Go out and start dating and before you know it you will find someone else and forget all about him.
He really isn't interested. Delete all forms of contact you with him.
Today is the start of the rest of your life, he's happy with someone else, just let that be your mantra, moving forward
The problem is unicorn that I have been dating. I just can't seem to let myself connect with anyone else because they're not him and I almost dislike them for it (I know this is completely irrational and not fair to the people I'm dating).
I feel like I need closure but I should have got closure by him saying he's moved on. I wish he would just tell me he doesn't love me. I need to hear it even though his actions tell me all I need to know.
The bad quality list is extremely small so wouldn't really help.
I'm feeling increasingly desperate today. Im going to use this post to vent as I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I know I'm being completely irrational and everyone is sick of hearing me go on about it for a whole year but I can't snap out of it.
I promise in other areas of my life I'm a
nearly together person which is why I'm driving myself nuts!!
I woke up this morning feeling angry that I think so little of myself that I would continue to pine over someone who doesn't care about me anymore. It's been nearly a week now and I've had no reply to my last email.
I think I'm obsessed with him as he's all I could think about over the weekend. I had a date Saturday as a distraction but I feel meh about him. I don't even know the difference between not liking someone new because they're not right for me or whether it's because my heart is somewhere else.
I guess it's the hope that keeps me going. I hoped he would reply that he still loves me too. I tell myself that surely there must be a reason I still love him, it's not because I'm mad, my situation is unique. I know logically that this is bollocks but my head doesn't want to let go. How can you be so much in love with another person when they don't love you back. I still feel like we're meant to be together, it's fate and it can't end like this surely!!
I flip between wanting to email again asking him outright if he has moved on or thinking of another stupid reason to email to being angry at myself for being so pathetic.
I know no response is a response but I can think of a million reasons which are less painful to accept about why I've had no reply. Maybe he hasn't read it yet, maybe he feels the same but he's still with someone and doesn't want to rock the boat.
If those are true then why did he reply to my last email at all if there are no feelings? Was it politeness? I wish I knew the answer as it's the not knowing I can't stand. I'm sorry I didn't heed anyone's advice, I opened up a can of worms by making contact and now I'm paying the price.
Ok OP, some harsh words but I think you need them:
HE IS NOT INTERESTED.
Get busy OP, distract yourself, you are sounding slightly obsessed.
You can dream up as many scenarios as you want to explain his non communication, truth is, he's moved on and it's about time you did too.
If he is with someone else it is likely she was party to the emails you were sending!
It is no wonder you didn't get a response.
The fact is the only person you are torturing is yourself, he has closed the door and is looking to the future, you need to do the same.
Accept that what is meant for you won't pass you by.........
Ok fuck it, I'm making a bad list
although I feel bad doing this.
1. He laughs like a donkey.
2. He is 28 and already receding badly
3. His penis isn't big enough
4. Said small penis has a foreskin
5. He wears stupid farmers caps and has no dress sense.
6. He's only 2 inches taller than me.
7. The last time we spoke he asked if I had slept with anyone, when I said yes he asked if they made me cum
because that's all that matters isn't it
8. He lives thousands of miles away and we never got to see each other. I felt very alone most of the time
9. He's scatty and loses stuff, puts off important things.
10. When we were on holiday I fell seriously ill and instead of taking me to hospital he got drunk and passed out.
And you say no one compares to him - are you joking?
11. He split with you rather than relocate.
12. He's with someone else.
13. He couldn't give a fuck about your list
14. He's chosen someone else
To echo the words of adora
HE IS NOT INTERESTED
Op after a relationship with someone who wasn't right for me and didn't treat me kindly. I found my heart hung up on him and my mind filled with thoughts of him. (In my case it was something I felt after a previous bad relationship which only ended when I met someone equally bad for me )
I had lovely men in my life who wanted to date me but I was utterly obessed with my ex. I was in my late 20's and realised I was wasting my life hoping for someone who never cared to do a u turn.
In the end I got quite ALOT of private counselling. It was hard, unpleasant and made me face demons and facts about myself I didn't want to.
But I made me value myself and take responsibility for the negative cycle I ended up in. A year or so after met my now husband, our relationship isn't prefect but it's loving, supportive, respectful and brings me joy. It's a totally different relationahip dynamic.
If time isn't helping you then maybe you need to do more. Life is too short to waste pinning for someone.
I have joined this just to reply to you on this because I was exactly where you were a year ago.
Was with someone for a while who I thought was completely amazing, totally fell for him etc etc. Then he started to go distant.....me being me became more and more needy because of this and then he eventually text me saying we were done and was the distance that was the problem. Though for us it was only 40 miles away but still.
Anyway I did not take to this too well.....I even sent him a present to try get him back as well as sexy pictures which obviously he took advantage of.....honestly now I cringe writing this :-(
Anyway I tried to keep in touch with him over about a year, went on dates etc but like you, not one of them compared to him. One even picked me up in a flash covertable Audi but give me him and his Ford Fiesta any day lol. No one else was good enough.
Anyway I sort of got myself better, I found myself going a couple of months with no contact, it was always me contacting him. Never him texting me first. Until one day when I came home from holiday. I'd been using snap chat story throughout my holiday - i constantly used snap chat to take selfies of me all done up as he still followed me on it and always saw them - and as soon as I posted that I'd landed, he text me. I was literally over the moon, he suggested we book a hotel and pick up where we left off and obviously I was well up for it. We continued talking etc, he even sent some flowers to my house. We never talked on the phone, just messaging.
Anyway one day I was on Facebook and his mum popped up on the people you may know section, he wasn't on Facebook himself. Anyway I looked at her profile as you do and saw pics of my ex with his gf who had been with for months. I was devastated, I was gutted :-(
I told him how upset I was and was he sorry? No lol. Kept saying he hadn't done anything wrong etc. I wrote a massive long message out to send to his gf but I never sent it, I couldn't do it and now I'm glad I didn't. I didn't know how I was going to get over him, I still loved him even then.
Anyway fast forward a year to now and I've met someone else who I'm so happy with. I never imagined I would be but I am. Now I look back at my ex and laugh (and cringe) about how I was.
The point I'm making as I totally get how you feel right now, I really do. But you will get over it and you will find someone who deserves you. It's easy for us all to say 'get over it' when we aren't feeling what you are. But honestly it can be done. I thought I was head over heels with him but now I'm with my new partner, i realise I wasn't.
He was never going to leave his gf for me, he was never going to take me to a hotel for a 'fresh start' like he promised. I'm so thankful I found out about him before I went through with it as I would of been inconsolable probably.
I suppose it's different for you as he's been honest he has found someone else. But what I'm saying is it is possible to get over that person. It really is and you will find that too. Good luck x
I was in a similar situation two years ago. I'd broken up with my now ex and was convinced nobody could ever compare to them. Ever. From her job to how they dressed to the way they kissed, nobody could compare.
One day after a year of dreaming up scenarios in which she'd get back in touch and tell me it was all a mistake I saw her in town with her new partner and didn't even find her attractive. So that night I deleted every picture, every text message that I'd clung on to in case she came back and that was it, I felt free.
Two months later I actually went on a date with a friend of mine (we were going to get together three years ago but distance and this now ex girlfriend put paid to that) and we've now been together six months and really are happy together. It's laid back, it's happy. We talk lots but we're also not into games and completely respect each other.
So yeah, delete everything is the best advice I can give.
I'm writing this on my phone hence the condensed version of my story!
Feline and user, I'm so happy to hear that other people have felt this strongly for someone and moved past it and found someone great.
Thanks Nazi for being harsh, I know I need to wake up and realise what I'm doing.
User, your words are a comfort and yes it's so easy to tell someone to snap out of it but it's hard to know how to do that in practice. I need a how to guide.
I know I need to go NC, which I had from February to August. I just couldn't resist scab picking as curiosity got the better of me. I probably do need counselling. I looked into hypnotherapy to try and forget him but it was too expensive.
No, I'm not joking and the list was for me not him. These were the only bad things I can think of and I could go into a counter argument to address each one of them and how they don't matter to me. He did treat me well overall (except for the holiday one).
He was a shit towards the end though as during the phone call in February we spoke for over an hour both of us saying we loved each other and he even asked if we should try again but then right before he hung up he said he wanted to make it work with the new girlfriend. That was cruel but I know he was hurting. I broke up with him (because I knew he didn't want to move here).
User what finally made the penny drop? Was it time?
I'm at the point where I don't care if I humiliate myself, I would rather do that and him be horrible and feel like I have closure rather than letting him go and never knowing
although I know I should know from his silence.
Think my brain is broken
Is this the farmer you wrote about before?
So he currently has a gf and is trying to make that work but you still want to contact him and try and persuade him what OP, is he not in another country now?
No, he's a doctor not a farmer
but wear s a farmers cap because he thinks it looks good
I guess the first email was to check if they were still together as she must have been a rebound relationship if he was still saying he loved me so it wasn't a plan to break them up. I figured if I didn't hear from him then they must still be together.
After two months of hearing nothing I was starting to accept it. When he emailed back last week out of the blue all my feelings came back. I didn't think he would reply unless he still loves me.
I guess I was wrong.
What really hurts is that he asked how my DC were and I told him the outcome of something that was building before we broke up. Something very painful for me and the DC. He obviously didn't give a shit
Yes he's still in another country. I don't want to persuade him of anything. I was hoping he still loved me but even I won't beg for love.
He obviously doesn't, it's just hard accepting that and letting go. I think if I had something solid like telling me to piss off and never darken his door again then yes it would be painful but it would force me to accept it.
Because he's just ignoring after two lovely emails it's abit harder to close the door as I still have hope
Oh god, I've just remembered that when we were together he gave me his email password (we booked holidays using his email address).
I remember coming across naked pictures of his ex she had sent asking him to marry her. I felt so sorry for her at the time, he hadn't even opened them.
That's me isn't it!!! The desperate ex he ignores. If he is with someone, she probably has his passwords too and saw my email. I'm such an idiot!!
Hmmm so you, and his girlfriend before you both ended up feeling like there was still a future. Yes you both sound a bit desperate and daft. But I think he probably is rather cruel and keeps people hanging on too. That isn't the sign of a lovely person.
Everything in your tactics is all about having a man, getting a man, dating a man.
I say stop dating. It's messing with your head. Build a good life without a man or the pursuit of a man. Maybe when you are comfortable with being yourself, no man needed, you'll feel closure.
Something is keeping you invested, but it might not actually be him. You've met other men since who might have made great partners but it doesn't sound like you gave any of them a chance.
Perhaps somewhere deep down you are trying to repeat a situation you've seen before, with a different ending? How did you feel about yourself when you knew he had another woman (his exgf) desperate for him but he was ignoring her and directing all his attention to you? And then the situation flips, he has a new gf, and you are the desperate ex...it's all very triangular.
Try to look beyond "him" to what's keeping you hooked in, because I am certain once you work it out you'll be able to move on.
Is thousands of miles a turn of phrase? Or does he literally live on another continent?
OP I bought my sister some books when she was in a similar situation to you. They really helped her. One was called How to mend a broken heart and I can't recall the others but I know she found them very useful. I'll see if I can find out the others. If he wanted to be with you , he would be.
I think you just get to a point when you realise enough is enough. This email he sent you out of the blue has done you no favours what so ever as now you probably feel like you are right back at the beginning again. But you just have to start again and you will get there.
Just think about what you deserve in your life.... it's not him.
For me, there was no point deleting his number as I knew it off by heart anyway lol. I still do but have never once contacted him in about a year now since I found out about the gf. I do still look at his gfs fb from time to time but that's just out of curiosity as to wether they are still together or not. They are and I couldn't care less, I feel sorry for her and when i look at him I feel absolutely nothing :-) he treated me like crap and I don't deserve that. This is what you need to realise too.
When we were together on a night we hardly ever used to speak when I was with him really, we would just sit and watch the all night which at the time was obviously fine but with my partner now, we hardly ever watch tv. We are always home cos of the kids but we can lay and talk and cuddle all night. There was never that connection with him.
I'm sure this will happen to you too, just give it time. Do not contact him again as you are wasting your time and there's absolutely no way you are moving forward if you keep emailing him. Just take baby steps. You will get over this, the only advice I can give is that time is a healer. Which is rubbish as it's not an immediate answer we all need in these situations but I reckon one day soon you will wake up and think 'yep I'm done with that part of my life now' just don't contact him or this will never happen x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.