Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm scared!(22 Posts)
I haven't name changed for this. I've spent about three years name changing and can't be dealing with it anymore. Dh went, taken by police at end of August after years of EA and some low level pushing and shoving. Other things I haven't mentioned to police. He hasn't come back and has done nothing but play vicious games, he has a diagnosis of AS and Borderline Personality Disorder. I dropped all charges because I didn't want to put my very vulnerable dd through a court case and DS1 was struggling with life at that point too. Within half an hour ds2 was receiving abusive texts about me. I continued calmly and even took dd2 to visit him, took him stuff from home, bought him a hat etc. In fact I am still doing one or two things to make his life easier because that's the way I am.
He has filed counter allegations with the police stating that I have financially abused him, among other things. All I've ever done is help him. He will not drop the charges and I'm scared of what the CPS will say. The police think that nothing will happen and that it's very obviously tit for tat nonsense, but I have spent every day in tears since Thursday when I was interviewed under caution. There is thread after thread on here, going back years about how I've been treated, and all I've ever done is try to make his life easy. I honestly don't understand this new level of cruelty. Please reassure me this is commonly done by abusive people because I'm really struggling. Thank you.
This sounds very typical of an abusive man. It doesn't matter what you do, or have done because he will always be thus way and blame and punish you for everything. If you can, please stop doing things for him as it won't make a difference and he won't change because of it. It's NOT your fault. The problem lies with him. Don't forget that the police and courts see this behaviour all the time and so won't automatically believe him. Well done for getting him out of your life!
You we're interviewed under caution over alleged financial abuse? What's he claiming? Did he not work?
He threatened and attacked you while you were together and is continuing the pattern. The fact that he has gone to the police may make it feel different but of course you know that it is a continuation of the abuse you have suffered over the years.
Although I understand the instinct to be 'nice' , in the circumstances you describe, it is always going to come back to bite you. There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour because you did not cause it.
I am so, so sorry to read this dawndonna. Do you have support in RL?
This is a thread discussing money, years ago.
MumOnTheRun, no he didn't work.
I remember the thread but didn't comment. I've re-read your OP and noticed that the police think nothing will happen, presumably because of the nature of the claim and/or lack of evidence?
From reading your previous thread it sounds like you were managing his money with his agreement?
I'm sorry I have no expertise in these matters but wondered if you have a solicitor or legal advice?
Other stuff we have coped with
Where I had hoped to be by now but am apparently suffering from PTSD and other difficulties
My first post about all of this was in August 2014. Using yet another name. Didn't want him to find them.
Thank goodness he's out - stop doing anything for him, you know he won't appreciate it. The police don't expect it to go anywhere, so I'd just wait and see
It's a shame you dropped the charges against him though
Good that you're seeing a solicitor. Also I would speak to the advisor from WA as well if you haven't already.
Sorry to fire questions but are you in any kind of contact with him?
We have four adult children, three are on the spectrum. One dd is very strong (she posts on other boards a fair bit) one ds is also strong, the other two are fairly easily manipulated. Guess which ones he's targetted! I have had nothing to do with him or his mental health worker since. She has been consistently useless (see other posts where he has posited the idea of joint suicide pacts) and has lied to me about things. She has rather than disabused him of his odd ideas, supported him and was involved in this calling of the police. Rather odd considering she hasn't considered me to be financially abusive over the three years that she has been seeing him and neither has any other support worker over the last 20 years.
nothing to do with them since the abusive texts changed oddly to polite ones. Apologies, I'm really not myself at the moment.
Please don't apologise. Do you mean you haven't been in touch with WA? I do think if you have worked with an advisor there previously that you should speak to her about this. Essentially he is continuing his abuse of you.
I know you are worried but it does sound as though the police will not be taking the matter further.
I hope you are looking after yourself properly and am just sorry I can't be more help.
Thank you. My son spoke to the WA advisor on Friday, he is looking after me at the moment, he is in his thirties and is wonderful! I think something has been sorted for this week. I was slipping downhill a bit anyway as I've had other really important things to do for other (vulnerable) adults in the family, too identifying to go into detail. So I'm exhausted, arguing with PiP, and then this lands in my lap, oh, and his money is not paying for any of the travel I have to do or any subsidising of money for our children. That's all coming out of my £73 per week, not his 250 per week! I have flashes of anger, as you can see!
As for not being helpful, it is really helpful to me when people listen, reassure me it's not me, offer me suggestions. My son really is amazing but I'm the parent and it's not my place to dump everything on him, so being able to vent elsewhere with you and others looking out for me is incredibly helpful. Thank you.
Dawn, you sound lovely on this thread and on others I have seen you
What is it you think needs to happen so that you can be finally free of this man ? He is making your one precious life a misery
His relationship with your adult children is his affair and theirs. Please stop putting yourself in harm's way.
That's the thing, when you've been in it for so long it's hard to have faith in your own judgement. Like you know what they are doing is wrong but you feel so beaten down by getting everything you say and do criticised that you you begin to question every little thing you say or do.
It's just horrible, so draining and damaging. However it's not permanent. You have done brilliantly so far.
AnyFucker you've given me good advice in the past which I've not always taken! Two adult children are vulnerable to an extent, they have both physical disabilities and ASC, dd that posts here is damned strong despite also having a disability and an ASC. He is playing on the fact that my biggest fear is about losing them, hence the manipulation. This comes from the fact that my Narc mother has four children, three of whom will have nothing to do with her. Of course, after 20 odd years he knows everything that will worry me. I aim to get stronger, to be free and to enjoy my life and my children. I aim to be, a person that used to be (I think) funny and clever and who tried to be kind. A person that enjoyed company and reading and art and hated competition. I used to laugh, and sing. Due to this I can no longer sing, he has literally taken my voice. At some point, I suppose I will get angry and that will help. At the moment, yes, this is about him and his control over me, hopefully the CPS will agree with the officer that came round and nothing will come of it, at which point I should be strong enough to stand my ground. I will get there, in-between the (fleeting) thoughts of chucking myself under a truck, feeling sorry for myself, my children and yes, him. I will get there. I have a good GP and counselling is being organised, although I'm not sure I trust mental health services here, but we shall see.
Set Yes, it's draining! I'm exhausted!
Thank you, Any and Set. Your time is appreciated.
You are still funny, clever and kind.
But you are wasting it on him. X
I know Any. I'll get there. He's not here, in the house, that at least is something.
I honestly thought once I was free of him, once he was no longer here, grinding me down with the relentless demands, criticism, emotional battering, that I would be free and happy. I'm shocked at how he has still managed to exert some control and at how feeble I feel. I used to be so strong.
Any, I don't think you often put an X at the end of sentence, I've seen you post frequently over the years. That means a lot. Thank you. X
Oh, and I have cut contact. No 'phone messages, no contact with Mental Health services on his side.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.