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Online dating rules

(35 Posts)
user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:02:33

Need advice , signed up to dating site but if I'm honest don't know what the rules are . Single for 4 years and am bored of my own company .

Received lots of messages , shocked if I'm honest , do you reply to all or some ? What's the done thing .
I only messaged one person , he asked to meet after a week then let me down on the day. Supposed to meet yesterday then all day he never mentioned it so neither did I . Gutted if I'm honest .
He then said he is talking to lots of women and likes to meet everyone he talks to . Is this how it works ?
Do you juggle lots of conversations then see how it goes ?
I'm so naive , got excited and carried away by someone wanting to see me , I was silly to think it would happen . Ran out and got new jeans and boots , my pride is hurt that he didn't follow through with his suggestion to meet . I just deleted my profile so when he went back on he will see I've just disappeared .
I realise that was silly , but I got carried away with the constant messages thinking he was keen , felt let down so walked away .

I need the rules or at least the guidelines that others use . I suppose I want to be in control rather than sitting waiting on messages and being grateful for any flicker of hope .

Please help

HardToDeal Sun 23-Oct-16 08:04:59

God, I don't reply to every message, it'd be a full time job! I never reply to a hi or a few worder, it has to be a proper message that shows they've read my profile. The guy you were talking to sounds like a flake or a player so don't let it get you down. If someone's keen you'll find out because they'll want to make concrete plans I reckon.

c3pu Sun 23-Oct-16 08:07:24

Only reply to the ones you seem interested in! Talking to a few people at the same time is very common, as most of the time it doesn't go anywhere.

pog100 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:36:27

Join this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2737604-trying-to-find-our-soul-mate-it-s-dating-thread-108
It's the 108th thread on exactly the things you are asking about and is very supportive.

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 09:33:21

It is definitely normal to be juggling multiple conversations! And I found that people I spoke to were up front about that - I've been on a first meet drink (I don't really like to call it a date) and had part of the conversation be a chat about other dates that week!

When you're new, a lot of sites show you as new and you get an initial flood of the ones who message EVERYONE! So don't be despondent if contacts drop off - they'll be less, but more genuine in my experience.

I had 2 bursts of OLD about 18 months apart - it was funny to see the same people with the same cut and paste jobs messaging me within 24 hours both times!

Join the thread linked above, meet up quickly, trust your instincts, never be afraid to say what you want, don't take it too seriously. And don't waste your time replying to "hi sexy" intros.

PinkiePiesCupcakes Sun 23-Oct-16 09:45:48

Its been a while since i did OLD but:

Sign up then ignore it for a fortnight to a month, delete all messages when you log back in. That gets rid of all the mass mailers.
Be as honest as ypou can in your profile and use a real picture, not a 10 year old one or a touched up with photo app one.
When ypou get a message have a read of the senders profile, if there's nothing of interest, delete the message, don't reply at all, only reply if you want to continue the conversation.
If you do receive a follow up from someone you've deleted, don't reply to that either,even if its calling you names.
If you receive a message along the lines of: 'Hi, just read your profile, ypou sound fun, message me' basically with nothing in that shows they've actually read your profile, its likely its a mass Mailer that copies and pastes that message to everyone within a 15 mile radius. If, however, ypou get a message saying, 'hi User, I just read ypour profile and saw that you love Sherlock Holmes and My Little Pony, I really like them too. Maybe we could have a chat about them and see how we get on?' Chances are they have read your profile, read theirs, see if the shared interests are listed, decide whether or not to message.
Only ever expect to have a single drink with someone, don't plan extravagant days out. Meet for an hour, see how it goes, nothing worse than being stuck with someone you find dull for hours in a restaurant, quick drink is enough to tell you everything IME.
On that first drink, don't be shy to admit to nerves, theyll be nervous too if they're serious, if they're not nervous, chances are meeting you means little to them and you're one in a long line, iyswim.

I thi k that'll do for now. grin

user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 10:03:27

Oh thank you for taking the time to reply .
I was so naive or desperate maybe both .
Your experience is amazing , brilliant information and probably just a different way to approach it .
I had not thought it through ,
Might wait a bit before setting up a new profile , need to be more thick skinned , have confidence in myself .
He probably thinks I'm some sort of weirdo just disappearing like that .
I'm 45 , not dated in 25 years . Would much prefer to meet men the old fashioned way but have to accept that it's a new world when dating nowadays

Thanks again

HardToDeal Sun 23-Oct-16 10:15:20

Don't worry about what someone you don't like or who has messed you around thinks of you. Seriously, I've dropped conversations and had them dropped on me, I never take it personally or mean it personally, it's just that it's too much work for not enough reward for whatever reason. I suppose if you feel like you don't generate much interest you want to hold on to people who seem interested but you never have to chase a guy who really likes you in my experience. Second the reviewing photos idea - men hate overly dolled up or posed pics - although I do have some of these as actually you want to show yourself off at your best - my main photo is a very natural one that looks like I'm not wearing make up (I was, of course) but this seems to attract people based on my "natural beauty" 😂😂 yeah and half an hour at the dressing table, but that's beside the point...

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 23-Oct-16 10:29:11

Sign up then ignore it for a fortnight to a month, delete all messages when you log back in. That gets rid of all the mass mailers.

Hmm. Not sure I'd advise that. One of the first people who contacted me on OKC, I ended up dating for about six months. But his message clearly showed he'd read my profile and was funny (and most importantly, could spell!)

What dating sites are you using OP?

user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 10:35:17

I had a look on Match then looked on Plenty of Fish , realised most men were on both .
So did a profile on PoF .
Does paying for sites really mean you get men more committed or does it really not matter which you use .

TirednessIsComing Sun 23-Oct-16 10:42:38

Don't put all your eggs in one basket op. People do multi-date and it's better to not get too excited until you've been chatting and dating a while. Otherwise you'll end up feeling shit a lot because sadly things often don't work out.

Contact those you like, not ones you'd settle for. Set boundries for yourself and try to enjoy just spending time with different people.

TirednessIsComing Sun 23-Oct-16 10:44:03

Doesn't matter on the site either. I had married men trying it more on the paid sites because they believed they were more secure. You just need to know what you want and set 'take no shit' boundries.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 23-Oct-16 10:47:36

Personally, I love OKCupid. I love the eleventy million bonkers questions you can answer. And if you answer at least 100 questions, the percentage compatibility score is actually pretty accurate.

Quick note about photos, do make sure that you take photos specifically for online dating sites. People can do image searches and you don't want strangers being able to link your Online dating profile with your real life Facebook or whatever.

J0kersSmile Sun 23-Oct-16 10:48:00

I'm dating someone nice from pof. We're not in a relationship yet but it's very nice and heading that way.

I put up photos of me with no makeup on, said I've reached the point in life where everyone's settled down and I'd like someone to do nice things with like walks and pub lunches with plenty of wine on Sunday. Made my lists of interests more longer then my bit about me if that makes sense. I was on there a month and had hundreds of messages, it was ridiculous and I'm not showing off just showing that being yourself and not having a massively filtered photo up with a ton of makeup can work.

I didn't reply to every msg, I wasn't even going to reply to the man I'm dating now as I was fed up of the same questions and getting to know each other crap. My cousin said how nice he sounded and I realised all the other men I'd been chatting to on there were only funny and interesting because they were playing the game and knew what to say to get you interested. I had two coffee dates before I met this one and my plan when I started was to do quick coffee dates with all the men I was chatting to and then decide who to date exclusively. I made this clear when chatting to them as well.

TirednessIsComing Sun 23-Oct-16 10:50:53

Yes definitely done use professional photos. My friend did that and then wondered why the men were surprised she looked very different and didn't do second dated. She put up no makeup whole body jeans ones and got plenty of second and third dates.

Same as don't fudge things like weight and height if you give them. You may get called out on them, I definitely did on my first site

TirednessIsComing Sun 23-Oct-16 10:51:29

Definitely don't sorry.

user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 11:02:06

Omg you all make so much sense , never looked at it long term , no boundaries , no expections , no standards set . Also had lots of messages but found it hard to determine which were generic and which were genuine .
What you are all saying makes sense - the funny . Adventurous , amazing guys - probably just lies to get you interested .

To be truthful was just grateful for any interest .

4 years out of an physical /emotional abusive marriage that lasted 20 years . Have no confidence at all . Need a boost which was what the guy gave me , that's why a dived in and got excited . Feel like a total idiot

Boogers Sun 23-Oct-16 11:04:45

To be honest I'd be attracted to J0kers profile. Someone natural, at ease with themself, honest in the profile without giving too much away.

I haven't done OLD since I met H online 16 years ago, but we both put an advert on Excite and both mass messaged and caught a few dates from that. However, DON'T do what I did in my first date with H and meet up in a strange pub in a strange city and then get into his car at a suggestion of going to another pub down the road!! I cringe even now at that! Make sure someone always knows where you are, don't leave your drink unattended etc. You're a grown up, you don't need telling this. Sorry! smile

Just be honest and friendly but accept you're going to get an awful lot of players and timewasters. You have to sift through a lot of gravel before you find the gold. smile

user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 11:13:34

Thanks. Yes I am a grown up lol but feel like a teenagers at the moment . Need basic info to stop me making more making stupid decisions .

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 11:28:26

Ok the way I work this now is that no matter how good looking someone is, if they send a 'hey/hi' message I will never reply.

Also women get 100 times more messages than men and many men just basically spam out with likes/swipes to see what reaction they get. If it's obvious they haven't read your profile because on theirs you have NOTHING in common then don't bother.

It's also ok to message someone first, provided you read their profile and don't just send 'hi. How was your day?' Because that is indeed boring. Write something personal about their profile to begin convo.

AVOID AVOID men who write lengthy diatribes about what they do/don't like in women 'all women are bitches and I am looking for the one who isn't. Also AVOID men who don't write anything on their profile. So lazy.

I have something silly written in mine and if people read it, and they share my sense of humour then that's what they will reply to me about. Don't put too much detail on your profile as it's nice to have something to chat about later on.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 23-Oct-16 11:31:29

Detail as in long lists of things. A male friend of mine says it is offputting and he likes a bit of mystery but at the same time to know an overview of likes.

I also don't write any dislikes in my profile unless they are funny such as 'clowns and spiders over 2cm diameter including legs'

Boogers Sun 23-Oct-16 11:41:10

Not sure if it's still going but have you tried My Single Friend? A friend of mine wanted me to get him a date via this so I wrote him a profile and he got a few dates from it. Worth a try?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 23-Oct-16 11:52:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1469556577 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:04:06

How long were you messaging before you met ?

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 23-Oct-16 13:24:39

Also women get 100 times more messages than men

Actually, it's not quite that. It's that men send 100 times more messages than women. A bi male friend of mine was originally just looking for women, when he changed his profile to looking for men and women, the number of messages he received rocketed. Similarly, I am looking for both men and women but pretty much 100% of the messages I receive are from men.

Although, that's completely irrelevant if you're heterosexual, OP, sorry.

DO actively contact people, byt the way. This is the main reason why you shouldn't feel bad about deleting unsuitable messages without replying. If you spend too much time managing your inbox, you're not going to get the chance to find someone who is a good fit.

I have had far better success with people that I've contacted than who have contacted me. Because I do my research! I only message people if we seem like a good fit and if I like the way that they write and express themselves. (I am less bothered about looks, though. I really don't have a "type". I tend to check photos to make sure they're not shirtless, including pictures of their children or holding a freshly caught fish but after that I'm not bothered. I have been known to have to hastily check OKC on my way to a date because I've realised that I have no idea what the man I am supposed to meet looks like. smile )

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