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Husband groping me in bed

(186 Posts)
queenofbaddecisions Sun 23-Oct-16 07:48:22

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

laurenandsophie Sun 23-Oct-16 07:57:27

If you don't want your marriage to continue, just end it.

Ohdearducks Sun 23-Oct-16 07:58:36

"I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing."

Are you saying that you're afraid he will sexually abuse your daughter's because he's horny? confused


missyB1 Sun 23-Oct-16 07:58:51

If you don't fancy him you should not have given the relationship another go - it's not going to work. Do you expect him to go without sex for the rest of his life? Is he not entitled to feel desired by a woman?

And what an awful thing to suggest you can't trust him with the kids??! Because he came in to you (the woman he is in a relationship with) that means he would come in to a child??? Seriously??!

You clearly have no respect for him (and maybe you have good reason for that). But you need to be honest with yourself and him and leave this marriage for good.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Oct-16 07:59:54

You are afraid for your daughters ?

Then why is he still even in the house ? confused

Naicehamshop Sun 23-Oct-16 08:05:35

I think you have to accept that this is not going to work op. Sorry.

The comments about your daughters I really don't understand. confused

Believeitornot Sun 23-Oct-16 08:08:23

You clearly have no respect for him if you think he is a closet paedophile.

I think you know the answer. End it.

reallyanotherone Sun 23-Oct-16 08:09:37

So you had two affairs, kicked him out, but he was still coming round and doing the school run every day, and was prepared to forgive you and give the marriage another go?

Ok he shouldn't have touched you when you made it clear you didn't want it. do you think he was asleep or thinking he was making some sort of approach? Have you told him sex is not going to be part of your marriage?

Do you really think he is a danger to your children? It's a bit of a leap from touching you to paedophilia and incest.

If you split will he have the children overnight?

Cynara Sun 23-Oct-16 08:12:42

Is there a historical reason for your fears for your daughters? Has he given you cause to suspect his interactions with them in the past? If so, get him out of the house. If not, I simply cannot imagine why his unwelcome approaches to you have translated into concern that he may make similar approaches to them. That seems utterly bizarre to me.

AndieNZ Sun 23-Oct-16 08:14:18

Good grief OP

My DH regularly touches me in bed while he is asleep. I find it quite nice and sometimes it normally leads to more..other times I slap his hand away and he then rolls over.

It has, and never would, enter my head that he would do that If sharing a bed with the DC!

Poor poor guy. Leave him and stop blocking him from finding a loving relationship.

Ohdearducks Sun 23-Oct-16 08:16:22

I think a much more likely scenario is that he was horny you said no, he tried it on in the night and when you reacted he claimed a sudden onset of sexsomnia made him do it. Your marriage sounds like it's over by all accounts so why force it?
If you're genuinely concerned about his potential to abuse your children get him out of the house now.

cdtaylornats Sun 23-Oct-16 08:23:39

Why should he leave - if anyone should go its the OP.

intheknickersoftime Sun 23-Oct-16 08:28:03

You're not sure what to do? You've ended it once. I don't get it, what hold does he have on you? You have to explain the comments about your daughters.

roasted Sun 23-Oct-16 08:29:02

Were you ever attracted to him? How did the two DCs happen?

If you were attracted to him in the past and not now, has he changed physically?

Dontyouknow2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:30:22

Can you realistically make a go of it if you do not want sex at all?

MTWTFSS Sun 23-Oct-16 08:32:30

"However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all"

It's over!

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 23-Oct-16 08:35:13

Queen, you do not need to find an excuse to ask your Husband to leave.
To say that he may abuse your daughters, is extreme, to say the least.
This marriage is over. Accept it, and move on.
You managed before, you'll manage again.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 23-Oct-16 08:35:51

It's completely unfair to move him back in so he can be useful, under the guise of rekindling the relationship, while never ever intending to be sexual. Just end it. It's dead in the water anyway.

queenofbaddecisions Sun 23-Oct-16 08:36:31

I really didn't mean he would intentionally do anything to our daughters just that if he doesn't know what he's doing in his sleep, if he's dreaming or whatever, then how would he know the difference. Yes he was probably just horny and half woke up and half asleep and tried to start something. Talking this morning he said this was the case and he's apologetic and said he just will sort him self out next time if he's likely to do that kind of thing again.

I don't know if I will never feel attracted to him again or if it will just take time. He doesn't want to find someone else, he wants to be with me and his dc. Yes we'd both like to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship but clearly that's not the case right now.

FerretFred Sun 23-Oct-16 08:36:34

He's not a threat to the kids. I think it's a case of he's more into you than you are to him.

He's tried it on, got rejected and to try to cover embarrassment by pretending to be asleep.

There is only really one question. Do you want to stay married to him? Or are these suggestions about groping and danger to the kids building a reason to get rid of him? If so, don't throw these accusations about, just split up in a dignified way.

Billben Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:59

he says he can do without it

He can't, believe me. I wouldn't want to live without sex for the rest of my life

Pestilence13610 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:05

Don't sleep in the same bed again if this is how you feel.

DH and I touch each other frequently in the night. I awoke (with a jump) at 5 this morning to discover I had a firm grip on his cock. He did not seem to notice. These things happen when you share a bed with your long term sexual partner.

As for the links to your DD, get more counselling. Or if you really think he is a risk, take action today.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:14

And I also think it's unfair to claim he lacks self control. When you told him to stop he did, apologised and left the room. What else could he have done?

I agree with people who think you're just making up excuses to avoid owning your decision that the relationship is over (which is your perfect right to do). You want out, that's fine. Own it and do it and let everyone move on.

queenofbaddecisions Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:14

It's complicated by the fact I live in his country and can't leave with my dc or progress in my career if I'm not with him. I guess I felt a bit cornered into continuing the marriage even though at the time in the state of mind I was in when we got back together I believed I wanted it for the right reasons.

He hasn't changed physically no. I was attracted to him in the beginning but since having dc I seemed to lose the attraction. It may be psychological on my part.

Ohdearducks Sun 23-Oct-16 08:43:36

'Why should he leave - if anyone should go its the OP.'

If she truly believes he's a danger to the kids I think it's fair for her to ask him to leave. If that's not the case they should work out between them who should go.

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