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Relationship definitely over. What next?(10 Posts)
Ok, unmarried, together 10 years, 1.3 yr old baby,
Relationship Definitely over. He doesn't want to reconcile. But, he wants us to stay under the same roof, go on holidays together, but he is free to stay out all night whenever he wants and do none of the day to day childcare. We've been separating for the last 6 weeks, with me still holding on to hope, and in that time he's not even done a single evening with the baby, and has only been with baby at weekends when we had planned activities with mutual friends. So obviously can't continue, and I've got to go.
He's a very high earner, and currently pays for nanny (I work 4 full days a week) and half of the household expenses including rent.
Obviously I want to move away from a home with horrible memories with my baby, but financially it will be a stretch without his contribution, and certainly I won't be able to afford rent AND a nanny on my salary.
I did seek legal counsel, and it is vey likely that under Schedule 1 of child welfare act our baby would be entitled to a SIGNIFICANTLY higher total monthly amount than what he's paying towards expenses now, plus likely to be entitled to housing provision (eg a flat in trust until he is 18) but going down the legal route is obviously costly, slow, and Likely to be acrimonious.
I said I'd like to move. I am scared that he said 1. I will want the baby for 3 nights a week, and 2. He will continue to support financially if I am 'reasonable'. This is horrible, and clearly is not in the best interest of our child.
What advice can anyone give me?? Anything on:
Dealing with a controlling, semi abusive ex
Are lawyers worth it?
Should I just accept that I need to take a financial hit and just get out of here to be in the best possible place foe my child?
What else do I need to think about?
I am not entitled to legal aid, working tax credits etc as too high an earner.
Im sorry. I cant offer you much advice on those things as im in a similar situation myself but I just wanted to say you will definately be OK, you and your baby, without this man!!! He sounds like he wants his cake and eating it.
Men never cease to suprise me anymore.
I really hope you manage to move soon and get in with your life without him.
Sending you hugs xx
Yes, get out, it's the right thing to do for both you and your baby. You'll have significantly less money but you will be happy. I speak from experience.
It is possible he could go for shared custody but IME it is something men often threaten but rarely follow through on once they realise how it will actually impact their life.
You need to start the ball rolling legally so that financial arrangements are set in stone and he can no longer threaten to withhold money if he deems you unreasonable.
If you can bear it, stay put until it's sorted out.
Alembec, you can't buy peace of mind, get out of there, you'll soon find your feet. He has told you that it's over, listen to him.
You will be surprised how you will be able to rebuild your life in ever sense, including financial.
The early baby years are the hardest but it's actually not that long before nursery/school kicks in and your childcare costs start to decrease.
Use legal route, it doesn't need to be acrimonious (sell it to him as the best way to keep it all neutral).
Thank you for all your kind words and advice.
I have been tossing and turning last night, and I came to the shocking realisation that he really might have been having an affair... I didn't put all the pieces together before (probably shielding myself), but:
1. We didn't have a lot of intimacy since new baby, but a few months before i noticed he'd trimmed down there, which he has never done before. He also talked about going to the gym and doing sports, and he's never been interested before.
2. The break came after a few months of arguments and me asking for more time and affection from him, and more commitment. When I ask about what would suit us longer term regarding living arrangements, more children, long term goals, his answer was always, always, I don't know.
3. Ditto - when I was asking if he still loved me, and why he was so distant, his answer was always I don't know. He came out with the famous I love you and I care for you but I'm not IN love with you line.
4. There was one night before break u when he was very coy about where he was and it turns out he was visiting his PA at 1am in the morning. Now I am pretty sure SHE wouldn't have shagged him (she's got a BF, and her sister was around), BUT shows he didn't care about my emotions re. another woman in inappropriate situations.
5. Since we have separated, he has stayed at least one night in a 5 star hotel. I only know because my email was registered to the loyalty points. When confronted he said he was alone.
6. He also stays out overnight on random occasions. I used to think he goes to his mum's house, but yesterday he was with baby all day at his mums, dropped him off with me, then was out all night. I can't imagine he wants to spend THAT much time with his mum...
7. It was his birthday recently on a weekday. He hosted a big party for all our friends and his family on the weekend. He said he had no actual plans for the evening of his birthday after work and wasn't going to see friends. I said he's welcome to have dinner with me and our baby, he said no. And of course he wasn't home at all that night.
And lastly, what kind of bloke dumps the mother of his 1.3 yr old son, forsakes all family life, doesn't even begin to think about reconciliation or counselling, without something else lined up???
God, have I been a total, total idiot??
Does this change anything I need to do? If anything I feel I may need to trigger the legal route sooner rather than later...
In many ways I don't think it matters whether he's been seeing someone else or not, certainly not in any practical or legal sense, although it might help to explain why things unfolded as they did.
I doubt there's anyone serious because he wouldn't be so keen for you to stay living in the same house.
Just look after yourself and your baby. Seek good legal advice and don't tie yourself in knots wondering what he is up to. Work towards an acceptable financial settlement and freedom.
This is hard. Get an understanding of his earnings and see what CSA say he would owe.
If he is a very high earner then you need to get what you are owed for your son.
The fact you aren't married is not good and you will have less money.
Let him threaten to take DS 3 nights a week.
He won't stick by that.
It will mess with his shag-fest plans!
Yes he's having an affair but you aren't married so he's not actually doing anything wrong as such (legally anyway)
Are you also a high earner?
If not then get to CAB and your council and find out what housing, benefits and tax credits you are entitled to.
There is an 'entitled to' website if you google.
Don't have any more kids with anyone else until you are married!
I am earning enough not to qualify for any additional benefits
He earns enough that it will be well beyond CSA limits (£150k per annum) hence Schedule 1 applies. It will be costly to go down that course (could well be thousands for me in legal fees), but perhaps peace of mind for my son is worth it.
Yes, have learnt my lesson about marriage. He even proposed (not particularly romantically) when I was pregnant but I laughed and said it's only a piece of paper...
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