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In a bit of a mess.

(12 Posts)
Needmorehours Sat 22-Oct-16 20:21:00

Backstory my ex and I split up a year and a half ago. At first we spoke quite regularly about our son I think it was the process of drawing away from eachother however he was very unreliable and ea. After Christmas we had a massive blow up because he saw me with another man at this point we had been split for 9 months.

Since then things havent been great tbh and he sees our son every other weekend from saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. So twice a month contact and in between he doesnt call our son. He hasnt come to parents evening or to our sons assemblies and I have just tried to keep things as calm as possible for my DS and not mentioning anything.

He asked around a month and a half ago to take our son one evening a week. I slept on it and messaged him saying yes what day works best and to let me know. To this day i have never received acknowledgement or a reply to the message.

Well a few weeks ago I was called into school because my DS is struggling and showing very early signs of dyslexia. His father has dyslexia and can relate to difficulties with reading. I messaged him and asked him to contact me as the school had concerns about our son. I didnt call because I didnt want to pressure him to talk about it when he was busy or was working or had one of his famous headaches he always seems to get when we have to discuss our son. I never received a response that was now over 3 weeks ago.

He very often shouts and swears when he doesnt get his own way and I was sworn and shouted at last week because our son had stayed with a school friend when I had an emergency at work. When I spoke to him before he was shouting I told him about our sons difficulties and he said he had noticed some things himself. And said he never received the message. When he dropped our son off I told him when the meeting was at his school the time and date. He didnt ask for any more information.

Well I have had the meeting at school and no contact with him has happened he didnt message or call to ask about it or call our son during the week.

I know some nrp dont like calling their children when theyre not with them. That wouldnt be my decision and it upsets our son but I cant control his actions.

Question is do I contact him and let him know what has happened? What was discussed and what will happen going forward or do i just leave it. Im really struggling with this and I dont know why. Its not about us its that I want him to take an interest in our sons life. Do i bother to contact or just leave it? Also he is 2 weeks late with our sons after and before school fees the only money I receive and only in term time.

I cant bore my friends and family with this any more.

Needmorehours Sat 22-Oct-16 20:30:56


Gymnopedies Sat 22-Oct-16 20:38:43

I wouldn't talk about the meeting as if he is interested he will ask (and he probably can't really help about the dyslexia) but you could definitely talk about the one evening a week he could have his DS if you think that will benefit your son. Perhaps ask directly when can DS come to yours next week?

Mamaka Sat 22-Oct-16 23:49:35

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Sorry I haven't got any advice but maybe someone else will come along with something useful.

MrsBertBibby Sat 22-Oct-16 23:56:27

Don't waste time and energy trying to make him be the dad he doesn't want to be.

And call the csa to sort out proper maintenance.

WingsofNylon Sun 23-Oct-16 08:30:08

Leave it. You have done a lot so far to get him to be a better father. Focus your energy in our own life and your own interaction with ds. You sound very upset by this and I do understand why but it is draining you. Keep reminding yourself that his behaviour is his problem.

Dontyouknow2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:34:52

Leave it. If he is genuinely interested he will ask or get involved himself.

It took me a long time to work this out with exh until I figured if he wanted to know re school stuff he could liaise with the school himself. He never did.

Exh also did the ignoring of important messages. They are too cowardly to admit they are not interested so if they ignore they can pretend they didn't know.

Cary2012 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:16:27

Sadly, it sounds as if your ex has chosen to opt out of your ds life, and is only prepared to do the minimum.

He sounds a selfish entitled pain in the arse.

You can't turn him into the involved parent your ds deserves. This is hard to come to terms with.

Practical things that might help: ask the school to send reports, parent evening notifications to ex's address as well as yours. This relieves you of the stress of telling him school related stuff and events. It also makes ex see that he is a parent, not a part time parent.

Sort proper maintenance payments via CSA.

Dyslexia will be addressed via support, intervention through the school, your ex having it has no bearing on what happens to your son, but again tell the school to keep him in the loop regarding intervention, etc.

He may chose to ignore the school too, but that's his decision, and removes the burden of you having to relay info.

You're a good loving mum who can't understand why your ds dad doesn't put in the love and support you do, I have (still am to a certain extent) been where you are. Accepting this is hard. When I stopped expecting more than my kids' dad would give, and accepted that to all extent and purposes I am their sole carer, it got easier.

Good luck

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 23-Oct-16 09:44:49

Hi OP, stop trying to make this 'waste of space' conform, it won't work.
You are flogging yourself, for nothing.
Just carry on being the good Mother, that you are.
You don't need him. I would just stick to the visiting arrangements, that you already have in place.Dont add any extra confusion.
Agree with sorting out maintainence payments, this is important.
When you are relaxed and happy, your Son will be too.

ittooshallpass Sun 23-Oct-16 09:53:47

Just a thought... if his dyslexia is bad, can be actually read the messages you send him?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 23-Oct-16 11:14:13

How on earth do you explain to your poor DS why your Ex won't call him!?
What a nasty ignorant arsehole he has for a father :0(
I think total acceptance that you cannot make him into a good father is the key here.
It must be so hard for you x

Needmorehours Sun 23-Oct-16 20:57:36

Thank you for your replies. To the previous poster who asked if he could read the messages he definitely can and manages to hold down a job with a lot of responsibility and paperwork attached.

I dont know how I explain anything to my DS last night he was in tears about missing his old sister. I have made it clear to his father he can speak to him at any time. He can call the house phone if he doesnt want to call my mobile. I even set up the video calling he asked for on our sons tablet.

He just isnt interested if it doesnt suit him. With regards to maintainence he is self employed and very good at hiding his earnings. He owes me money on a loan and is now 2 weeks late with the maintainence money.

I cant remember who said it but yes drained is the right word to describe how I feel. It seems as if parenting is just an option to him as and when he feels like it. Maybe I judge too much and have unreasonable expectations but this is just the latest incident in a long line of incidents and tbh even just typing this I want to cry because I could deal with every time he let me down its just the lack of interest in our beautiful son that cuts me every time. He deserves so much better.

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