Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In a bit of a pickle...

(16 Posts)
user1477154827 Sat 22-Oct-16 18:02:18

So my partner and I have been together For a few years, it's been great until the last few months. He punishes me for stupid things like messing up the bed covers when I'm sleeping by making me sleep without anything (clothes/covers/pillows). He's possessive, mean and insulting on a daily basis, and it's bordering on being physically abusive. Of course I'm an idiot and can't get out of it blah blah so I just sit around waiting for a day that he won't make me cry or be in fear.
Another thing, he's one of my bosses at work.
His best friend is also one of my bosses, my direct boss. He's become my best friend as well since starting the job, and we get on really great. He's also the only one who noticed there was something bad going on at home, therefore I confide in him, and he refuses to speak to my partner anymore out of disgust.
Here's where I'm an ass, I'm falling in love with him. Oh, and he has a kid and a wife. I'd never EVER do anything or try anything on a married man, but I can't he'll always feeling a connection with him emotionally and I know he can too. He's been my protector through the shit with my partner, always trying to help and always there for me. I don't know what to do now, I've totally messed everything up by feeling this way and I feel awful for even wanting to be with him. I wouldn't mutter a word of this to anyone hence why I'm on here, in need of a bit of advice.

HandbagCrazy Sat 22-Oct-16 18:09:19

I don't have time to give a full reply, but please think about these points

1 - can you get a new job? It could be the first step to breaking away

2 - women's aid can help you

3 - you absolutely deserve better

4 - your boss / partners friend sounds like a snake in the grass. Be wary of the man who wants to be your knight in shining armour

If you have access to counselling ( for you, not relationship counselling) use it.

Do not have a affair ( emotional or physical), concentrate on your safety and getting out of the relationship you're in, then make yourself a promise to stay single for a while to clear your head and work out who you are and what you want flowers

Myusernameismyusername Sat 22-Oct-16 18:11:21

It's really hard to define here what's come first - everything was OK until you started an emotional affair?
The way your partner is treating you is inexcusable but it sounds like you have a toxic relationship that you need to leave. Get a new job, stay safe and get away from BOTH men.

pocketsaviour Sat 22-Oct-16 18:18:40

Do you have children with your partner?

You said it's been great until the last few months. I can think of only two reasons for such a sudden personality change:
1. He has a serious illness which is affecting his behaviour, in which case he should see the GP immediately
2. He wants to leave the relationship, probably because of an OW, but doesn't want to appear "the bad guy" so is treating you badly in the hope you will leave.

Or - when you look back - has this control and abuse actually been ramping up for some years?

user1477154827 Sat 22-Oct-16 18:35:56

Thanks for the replies guys,

I would get a new job, but I love it so much and I know I'd regret it, I've never been so happy with the job I'm doing.

I wouldn't necessarily say he's trying to be my knight, it's more like when he can see my partners going to pull me out the office with rage on his face, he'll say I've got a meeting in 5, can this wait? I may sound naive but i don't think he's a snake..

I know I shouldn't have let it get emotional, and I'm distancing myself from that.

No children with my partner.. I suppose he's always had a temper, it's just recently directed at me

pocketsaviour Sat 22-Oct-16 18:46:02

Do you feel he may be trying to push you out?

What is your living situation? Do you rent or own, whose name is on the tenancy/deeds?

If you don't have any family or close friends, I'd consider using the other man at work as a help for you to get out. (Note: this doesn't mean shagging him or anything!) It's maybe not the best thing to do, but if you have no other resources then, use what you've got. EG could he help out by letting you kip on his settee for a few days til you get a place? Could he lend you money for a deposit on a new place?

ICuntSeeYourPoint Sat 22-Oct-16 18:46:48

Why haven't you dumped the abusive boyfriend? Is it because you need to use your sad situation as a "hook" to keep the crush acting as protector for you?

Just leave the abusive boyfriend, obviously. You know it won't get any better, and even if it did, you don't even love him, you fancy someone else! So just leave.

And leave the married bloke alone.

springydaffs Sat 22-Oct-16 19:19:54

What icunt said.

Fairenuff Sat 22-Oct-16 19:25:42

What do you actually want? Do you want to stay with your partner?

user1477154827 Sat 22-Oct-16 19:29:34

I don't want to but when I talk about leaving he threatens to kill himself, make my life hell or stalk me...I know it's pathetic that I haven't left, trust me I don't need the reminder, I just can't seem to just get up and leave, especially when he says he's going to do something stupid

user1477154827 Sat 22-Oct-16 19:31:52

Edit: I *DO want to

Fairenuff Sat 22-Oct-16 19:48:52

Could you confirm with a simple yes or no. Do you want to stay with him?

ThisUsernameIsAvailable Sat 22-Oct-16 20:06:56

I think there's a little bit of victim blaming here.

OP is being abused by her partner and she's falling in love with someone who is nice to her, accusing her of staying so she can play victim to the nice guy is absolutely disgusting

Cherrysoup Sat 22-Oct-16 20:22:23

He will not kill himself and if he tries/makes an attempt, then ^it is NOT your fault. He'll kill himself if you leave, when he's being a total twat to you?! LTB, call Woman's Aid, get out before he escalates and hurts you.

Cherrysoup Sat 22-Oct-16 20:23:11

Edit: if he succeeds, the world will not miss him.

user1477154827 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:27:27

If I'm honest I'm glad a few of you think it's a good idea to call woman's aid. I always wondered if I should but just thought it's not worth it or I'd be wasting time since a lot of women theyll speak to deal with sooo much more than I do. I guess I have a bad habit of trying to minimise what he's doing, like saying 'hey, at least he's not hitting me'

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now