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Advice on drug addiction

(18 Posts)
flowerbombVR Sat 22-Oct-16 16:28:15


I'm looking for advice re husband using drugs. I've had suspicions for a while and confirmed today that he is and has been using illegal drugs.

I suppose there is/has been other stuff in the past and we had a separation recently. Though, solely on the addiction, is there ever a positive outcome ?

I don't seem to have the power to tell him to go ! I keep going back to thinking that being together and getting through yet another difficulty is best for the long term for the kids and myself and him.


For background. We have 2 kids at home. Been together for 16 years.

Could I support him to be fee from addiction and live happily or am I kidding myself on and I'm just co dependant ? Can my kids really be as happy if I leave ? Even as I type that I know the answer but I obviously would prefer that they had both of us.

My head hurts with it all.

Thank you in advance.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 22-Oct-16 16:37:25

He needs to get help himself, and preferably stay away from the family while he's doing it. Does he actually want help to stop?

flowerbombVR Sat 22-Oct-16 16:44:07

He's denied till now however I am going to talk to him later and see from there. I've asked him to get help before and he thinks he doesn't need it.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 22-Oct-16 17:06:17

Then he definitely needs to leave

flowerbombVR Sat 22-Oct-16 17:08:22

Thanks for your reply.

CannotEvenDeal Sat 22-Oct-16 17:08:54

he thinks he doesn't need it.

A positive outcome is impossible then. Sorry flowers

AnyFucker Sat 22-Oct-16 17:12:11

He thinks he doesn't need help ?

End of story the. Sorry. He is going to continue to use drugs and it will escalate. That is no relationship to bring children up in.

flowerbombVR Sat 22-Oct-16 17:18:12

we are out with dc for food. I am going to talk to him and I will try to gauge from him if he is being sincere in what he says. I will hope he says the right things in the first place. I guess I'm scared he will tell me what I want to hear and continue to live like he is deceitfully.

AnyFucker Sat 22-Oct-16 17:19:31

I think it is highly likely he will continue to take drugs

lottieandmia Sat 22-Oct-16 17:23:11

I think that with any addict, they have to WANT to get better. Nobody can do it except them. I spent a year trying to help a relapsed heroin addict and I soon realised that the only good thing I could do for me or him was to leave him. Apparently he is now clean again and wants us to get back together but I wouldn't consider it.

You can't have a relationship with a drug addict because the substance is top of their agenda all the time and they will lie and lie about it (it's part of the illness).

Littleballerina Sat 22-Oct-16 17:24:43

Until he recognises that he has a problem he will make excuses and lie to you, your children and to anyone who will listen.
I was brought up around addiction and couldn't live like that again.

StrongTeaHotShower Sat 22-Oct-16 17:46:43

Just echoing that an addict must actively want to get better.
Often it has to be for themselves too rather than for the people around them. Selfishness is part of it.
I didn't address my drinking for my dd as much as I wanted to. I got sober through the raw fear of liver failure and dying. I'm so ashamed to say that but it's the truth.

FunnyTummy Sat 22-Oct-16 19:30:19

Hi OP, I started a thread on here last week about the same thing. Your are further down the line than me (together a couple of yrs, no kids).

I am beginning to accept that this just doesn't go away, especially if they dont see a problem. You have to ask yourself if the stress is worth it. I know what I need to do, but i'll admit that I haven't done it yet

Good luck op


SurfBored73 Sat 22-Oct-16 22:57:50

He has to accept he has has problem, that he has lost control and that only honesty will get him through. Ask him to look into Narcotics Anonymous. They saved my life. I rebuilt everything. It is possible but there's no shying away from the truth, he would have to ready for it and 100% committed.

ImperialBlether Sat 22-Oct-16 23:07:59

Do you have a saviour type personality, OP?

flowerbombVR Sun 23-Oct-16 09:59:48

Hello again and thanks for the advice.
We spoke last night, he admitted to using the drugs and said he will access help through the gp. I will go with him to ensure that he does. I'm not convinced this is over (the drugs) there's something not sitting right with me...

I do have a 'saviour' type personality which I'm actually trying to change. I want to stop being so much of a people pleaser and be more able to say 'No'. I have recognised this lately.

I suppose giving this support will allow me to know I've tried everything to make my marriage work and I can live with that.

Thanks again. I will come back to the thread and update progress.

Mantis1975 Sun 23-Oct-16 11:06:41

His desire to give up and his strength and determination are what's key here.
What drugs is he taking? Some are medically addictive which will take time to lower his use.
If it is cannabis or something non-addictive like that then he can just stop and be fine. They can be psychologically addictive in that he thinks he wants them but there is no physical need like with heroin. That's just a matter of stopping and treating the reason he wants to use them. (either mental health related or social)
Basically you should like you're doing the right thing in giving him support but be firm on your terms.
Talk to the GP or drug addiction councillor or even a sympathetic pharmacist. They should be able to offer you some advice on how to stay strong in these sorts of situations.

0SometimesIWonder Sun 23-Oct-16 11:31:38

Oh gosh flowerbomb - please, please, please believe me that the only person who can help your husband is himself.
You can't help him/save him/support him to be free from addiction until he himself wants to be free.
I'm probably going to have to nc after this, but someone very, very close to me was an addict for more than ten years and all the help, support and love in the world didn't make a jot of difference.
Eventually, after hitting a personal rock bottom, the addict sought professional help and succeeded in getting and staying clean.
It was a very long process which took years.

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