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My neighbour didn't like me, should I go to her funeral?

(22 Posts)
Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 13:02:06

Dh and I used to get on well with our neighbours until we had a ground floor extension. The wife didn't like it simply because she didn't want to do any work on her house (despite having previously having a 2 storey extension on her house). So it was a jealousy issue and she made life difficult for the builders. She said the extension would cause her depression and she'd just got over 2 years of depression. I know the dust and noise was horrible, but once finished, it hardly affected her life. I do wonder if she was perhaps bipolar because she told me about falling out with her friends and children then making up. She stopped speaking to us and her husband thought she'd come around eventually. We tried to patch things up with her by sending interflora flowers along with an apology for the mess. These were returned and we tried several times over the years to break the ice. She ignored us apart from telling us she was sorry when our house was burgled and I was very pleasant and thanked her, hoping she'd finally accepted being friendly again Then radio silence again. So I gave up trying.

Prior to this, she baby sat once and gave our dd a present when she was born. Her husband was apologetic about her attitude. But it made things awkward and I felt intimidated for a long time because she monitored us and would sometimes stand and stare at me from the bedroom.

Her husband is in his late 70's and in bits. It was all very sudden. She was 10 years younger. Should I go to the funeral? Dh is refusing and I do feel as though I may be intruding but on the flip side, I want him to know we wish to be neighbourly and care because I just want to get along with people. But I also have to consider her friends and family, who have probably been told I'm the devils spawn.

If I don't go, am I very rude?

monkeywithacowface Sat 22-Oct-16 13:05:48

Send flowers and put a card through the door. I don't think going to the funeral is necessary unless he specifically comes and tells you the details

SoleBizzz Sat 22-Oct-16 13:06:05

Send flowers don't go.

Smartleatherbag Sat 22-Oct-16 13:06:31

I'd go, for the husband left behind. Funerals are for the bereaved. I imagine that her family and friends will either be thinking of their own loss or will know she could be difficult / was ill, and will not make any fuss.

Rockpebblestone Sat 22-Oct-16 13:06:45

You could do something in between, if you are not sure about going. How about a sympathy card with a nice message written in it and offering practical support, such as getting some shopping in / a cooked meal if her DH cannot face much?

DanyellasDonkey Sat 22-Oct-16 13:09:07

I wouldn't bother. We don't speak to our neighbours any more after they were horrible to us, so I would never consider it if either of them died. That's just my personal opinion.

MrsBertBibby Sat 22-Oct-16 13:10:20

I would go to show the husband some support.

ProfYaffle Sat 22-Oct-16 13:12:34

Agree with monkey, don't go unless he specifically asks you to. Send card/flowers and make it clear you're around if he needs you longer term.

Cary2012 Sat 22-Oct-16 13:12:40

Personally, if you're having to think about going, then don't go. If it was the right thing for you to go, you'd have no doubts, and straightaway decide you would go.

Send a nice card, perhaps cook a casserole and pop it round. Don't go because you feel you, as a neighbour, 'should'; only go if you really want to pay your respects.

TimTamTerrier Sat 22-Oct-16 13:14:10

The funeral is more about the people left behind, so I would go if you like the husband and want to show support for him. But then I'm Irish and we tend to go to all the funerals here even ones where the link is quite distant. I've even been to the funeral of someone that I've never met because my Mum would have gone but was away, so I was her envoy.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 13:20:36

Thank you for your replies. I only just found out this morning. I popped a card through the letterbox earlier with a note about how sorry we were and told him that we are his neighbours and here if he needs us. I think flowers is a good idea, as is food. Perhaps not right now because his daughter and husband are there looking after him. Maybe we will invite him to dinner in the future and send some food over when his family have gone. TBH I'm quite cut up about it. As I say, we were friends before the anger. I would feel awkward asking him when the funeral is.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 13:21:54

TimTam. That's a lovely thing to do for your mum.

TheNaze73 Sat 22-Oct-16 13:24:28

I'd feel like a hypocrite.

YvaineStormhold Sat 22-Oct-16 13:29:09

I wouldn't go, but I'm not very nice when it comes to that kind of thing. I'm not a big one for duty and obligation.

I'd be more inclined to go down the flowers/cards/casserole route.

Funerals are about paying your respects to the bereaved in my mind. If I didn't have reason to respect the deceased when they were alive, you won't see me at their funeral.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns Sat 22-Oct-16 13:37:30

I'd go for him. You may well be right that she was bipolar or had similar issues, but she still sounds fairly unpleasant. But he's a nice bloke, and you live next door to him, go to be nice to him.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 13:40:44

I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite as I've done nothing wrong.

Mixed views. Something to think about. Perhaps I should ask the neighbours on the other side if they intend to go. I don't really want to go alone. I'm pretty ill with ME (chronic fatigue syndrome) so I'd only be able to go if feeling ok that day.


Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 13:41:13

He is a nice bloke. I feel very sad for him.

SleepingTiger Sat 22-Oct-16 15:54:47

Not read the full thread and don't need to.

There is nothing "should" about a funeral.

Everyone who wants to pay their respects is allowed. Anybody who does not want to go on the day of their funeral should be respected by their decision. Unequivocally on both counts.

It is not rocket science.

It is what is right.

Flumplet Sat 22-Oct-16 15:58:06

Lols. No I don't think it would be a great idea. Praps if you'd like to do something send flowers or donate to a charity in her memory or some such like. Nice of you to think of going though OP.

Flumplet Sat 22-Oct-16 15:59:14

Sorry I don't know where the lols came from in my previous post. Obvs not lolling 

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 16:01:34

Do you know for certain that flowers are wanted though?

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Oct-16 16:41:16

I've taken flowers over now. I don't know if they're wanted or not. They're for him, not her grave. He never had any issue with us. We've always been helpful if he needed something. She on the other hand wouldn't take our parcel deliveries, let dh step foot on her property to tend the weeds and refused to answer the door if we knocked. Very sad really. I hope the flowers will be taken in the spirit in which they were meant. The more I think about it, the more I realise how uncomfortable I would feel going to the funeral. Your comments are all very helpful. Thank you.

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