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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Crying

114 replies

pinkpixie83 · 22/10/2016 08:59

My silly boyfriend has flown off on holiday today without me.

Over two years together, no discussion and off he goes. We haven't even had as much as a weekend away together.

But it's ok because is parents booked and paid for it. So why should I be considered after two and a half years!

OP posts:

Report

Lilaclily · 22/10/2016 09:02

Has he gone with his parents?

pinkpixie83 · 22/10/2016 09:05

Yeah gone with his parents and daughter

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 22/10/2016 09:26

Hmmmm not sure of the background but he is allowed to go away with his parents and child, maybe he couldn't have afforded to take his child away otherwise? Isn't it important to also have time apart? As Gibran wrote "you don't grow in each other's shadows"

TheNaze73 · 22/10/2016 10:13

His daughter is the most important person in his life, why are you begrudging that? Are you jealous?
I think you need to end things, if him being a good dad is making you cry

pinkpixie83 · 22/10/2016 10:19

So you'd all be ok with a partner just going off on holiday after being in a relationship for over two years, with no discussion?

It's not the holiday I object to in the main it's the lack of consideration or thought for me.

OP posts:

RestlessTraveller · 22/10/2016 10:23

Have you discussed how you feel with him?

IzzyIsBusy · 22/10/2016 10:24

If you dont live together then he is your boyfriend not partner.

Why should he have considered you?
I am assuming he told you about it and did not just jet off without a word.

His parents paid and the holiday is with his child. I doubt he could force them to pay for you and why should he not go because you cant?
I cant see what discussion you think you should have had

QuiteLikely5 · 22/10/2016 10:26

It is absolutely ridiculous if you were in a relationship for two years and were not told that your other half was going away for a week until the night before departure.

I don't care what anyone says.

I can see why your upset. Not normal in a healthy relationship at all!

RestlessTraveller · 22/10/2016 10:27

Where does it state the definition of boyfriend and partner? I think the op is entitled to define her relationship the way she wants to.

HughLauriesStubble · 22/10/2016 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkpixie83 · 22/10/2016 10:30

He didn't tell me about the holiday at all, it got dropped into conversation when his daughter was talking about a dress she wanted.

This happened last year too, and I explained how it made me feel then, and have explain since how it makes me feel unimportant.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go but surely there should be if not a discussion but a conversation about it. And no I don't expect to be taken or paid for. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if we had done something either as a couple or as a family with my children as well!

Maybe I'm being the selfish one but after two + years I would like to be considered a bit more, thought that was what relationships were about.

Maybe my relationship is nothing because we don't live together!

OP posts:

BigFatTent · 22/10/2016 10:31

How long has he known about the holiday? Do you have a relationship with his daughter? Could you have afforded to pay for yourself or would you have expected his parents to pay for you too?

He should have told you but equally YABU to think being in a relationship with him instantly entitles you to go with him.

BigFatTent · 22/10/2016 10:35

So you have children? You wanted to go away with him and without your children? How would they feel about that?

He should have told you but it sounds more complicated than your original post implied.

When he gets back have a serious talk about what each of you expects from the relationship. Maybe that's where the problem lies.

TheNaze73 · 22/10/2016 11:59

Why don't you talk to him when he gets back then OP? Is there a bigger issue behind this, which is concerning you about your relationship? And whoever said he's just a boyfriend as you don't live together is talking bollocks

IzzyIsBusy · 22/10/2016 12:03

Not living together means there are big parts of your life you do not share, you are dating each other so boyfriend.

Living together means you share a home, life, bills, decisions so you are partners.

OP he does not see you as his partner therefore he is not consulting you about choices he is making in his life.
You need to have a conversation with him about how you both view your relationship because he vlearly sees it differently to you.

IzzyIsBusy · 22/10/2016 12:04

And whoever said he's just a boyfriend as you don't live together is talking bollocks

He clearly does not see them as partners. Do you think he does TheNaze ?
Is he acting like a partner or a boyfriend?

ANewStartOverseas · 22/10/2016 12:19

I really don't believe that someone is 'just' a bf or gf if you don't live together. Thst is utterly wrong.

However it is true that he doesn't show the op any respect and doesn't see her as someone who should be 'in the know' or even consulted on what is an important thing.

Which then makes me ask. How is your bf in other situations? Is he respectful?
And have you asked him how he sees your relationship? Aka as something important, here fur the long run. Or not.

ANewStartOverseas · 22/10/2016 12:21

Izzy does it mean that people who are 'living together apart' aka try still keep two houses but are very clearly together too aren't, in your books, really together?

IzzyIsBusy · 22/10/2016 12:27

I never said they were not together. I just said they were not partners.
All couples start out as bf/gf and that changes when they move in together/share finances/bills/life choices in general.

If the OP views him as her partner and he clearly does not. To him she is his gf hence why he does not see the need to involve her in all aspects of his life or plan holidays as a "family" because to him they are not.

SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 12:28

I can see why you're miffed that he let it drop into converstion rather than just telling you about it in the first place.
I think the best course of action to take would be to ask him when he gets back if next year, perhaps you could organise a holiday together with your children and his. Even a camping trip for the weekend.

SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 12:31

If I were in a relationship but not living together, I would find it difficult to turn down a paid holiday for myself and my children. I would however try to make sure that myself and partner could arrange something together too before or after the fact.

pictish · 22/10/2016 12:37

How much notice did he actually give you? A week? A day? A call from the airport?
This detail is quite important if we are to opinionate on this.

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pictish · 22/10/2016 12:40

You say it was dropped into the conversation. When? How long before he went?

bonsgirl · 22/10/2016 12:43

Hand holding, my boyfriend of 2+ years has gone away without discussion with me either - there are issues with his drinking and texting other girls so I doubt I'll be around on his return. from someone in a similar boat x

pinkpixie83 · 22/10/2016 13:02

It was dropped into the conversation about a month ago it's been booked for ages tho.

He did this to me last year and also a weekend in the summer.

Boyfriend or partner I still don't feel him not discussing something like this is acceptable after two years we must have some kind of linked life.

OP posts:

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