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Partner making scary situations worse?

(13 Posts)
Fireside90 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:39:27

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this?

My boyfriend used to make situations which were scary for me harder for me to deal with. Small things would be if some creep comes up to me on the street then my boyfriend will start having a friendly conversation the guy. The reason I find this makes the situation worse is because I just want to walk away and get away but it makes it more awkard to do so and confusing for me if my boyfriend is now having a friendly chat with the guy. This has happened a couple of times. One time the guy was stroking my arm. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that is how he deals with conflict and he thinks it will make the situation better by calming things down or something. My reaction would just be to get away. It's that big a deal but it makes me uncomfortable and as I get anxiety when things like that happen anyway and sometimes end up freezing (which makes it go on longer) instead of fleeing it makes it harder for me to re-adjust my brain even more to take care of myself when the person I'm with is using completely different tactics. I'm not really looking for advice so much as just wondering if anyone else has experienced this as it seems quite an unusual little thing? So I'm interested.

Then also my boyfriend also reacted to me actually being traumatised by not caring and making it worse for me. Basically we were living in a shared flat a couple of years ago together with any random stranger who moved in as it was run by some dodgy agency to we didn't get to choose who moved in. So basically this really creepy guy moved in who no one liked. He used to shout every time he spoke and ordered people to do things sometimes just to prove he 'could make anyone do anything he wanted' and no other reason. So anyway I've since realised that I wast triggered by trauma which happened when I was a child as this man reminded me of an old man who had sexually abused me when I was a child. I didn't actually realise this at the time as the thing that happened when I child I thought hadn't affected me. And the situation with the creepy man and the scummy flat was horrible and scary anyway. I've since been diagnosed with PTSD which was triggered at this time. So although I didn't know the connection to my past or a diagnosis I knew how I felt and my boyfriend was well aware of this. My described how traumatised I was etc. And basically my boyfriend didn't care. I had nowhere else to go other than on the streets and was frantically looking to move out in all my free time. My boyfriend said he wanted to move but wouldn't help look. I arranged viewings for just me and for both of us and he'd get drunk and missed one for both of us. He also blamed me for the way I felt saying I was too weak. He'd also make random excuses why he didn't want to look in certain areas even though they were really nice like he'd say the last viewing the girl was stuck up to us and didn't choose us so he doesn't want to live in that entire area of the city anymore. Things like that. I eventually moved out of course but that whole time was honestly so stressful for me I don't know how survived as the trauma kept going on for longer than if he had helped me. I was terrified of the creepy man and my boyfriend knew this. He eventually moved out too but took him longer.

The thing is I have tried to put all this behind me. But I'm still not sure how to feel about it. As ever since then I've been so anxious and scared around my boyfriend thinking that something will happen again which will traumatise, scare me or put me in danger and if my boyfriend is there then he'll make it worse. So I feel hyper vigilant around him. We broke up before but got back together and I promised I would be less anxious and trust him. So I've learnt to ignore my anxiety so as not to treat him badly or bother him and just be happy and so he doesn't leave me. And the thing is he didn't even do anything wrong as he didn't do anything to actively hurt me. He was just living his life how he wanted. So I feel bad for feeling that way that I have been.

Has anyone else experienced this? Anything from small things to PTSD. Where your partner doesn't do anything wrong but because you are with them it makes it harder for you?

I know we are all seperate people and he can do what he wants obviously. So then I think I must have been overeacting. Also it's not that I expected him to actively stand up for me. Just that I couldn't help feeling that he would actually make things worse for me even that was by just not caring or doing anything to help me escape when he wanted to move out anyway. I guess in that situation he felt like I was rushing him.

Was I being unreasonable for feeling this way? It's like my feelings of fear, anxiety and mistrust (and sometimes partial blame) around my boyfriend are at odds with what happened? Or are they? I can't find any information on any similar experience so would be really interested to hear any.

BigFatTent Fri 21-Oct-16 17:51:41

Why are you with this man? He isn't any good for you at all. From what you've said, he sounds abusive.

I haven't experienced the same anxiety issues as you but I have had a relationship where my ex completely ignored my wishes and reacted negatively to my emotions and I'm glad to be free of it. That isn't how loving partners act. You shouldn't be promising to be less anxious and managing your behaviour out of fear of him ending it. He should be understanding and caring. What is good about him?

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 21-Oct-16 18:00:30

What are you getting out of this relationship? This man sounds scary. He sounds like the type who will eventually pressure you into doing things sexually with other men. Is that where you want your life to go?

BusStopBetty Fri 21-Oct-16 18:16:55

He sounds like a prize prick. It's not you, it's very, very definitely him.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 21-Oct-16 18:23:01

Sweetheart, be kind to yourself. He certainly isn't. Why do you want to be with him? Nothing you've written says he's a good, kind, caring or supportive partner. You deserve better. You don't need to step on eggshells around this man - you're the one who has been through hell. Look after yourself first. That may involve leaving him.

pallasathena Fri 21-Oct-16 18:25:46

You need to do The Freedom Programme urgently. You need to see a GP and get some medication for your anxiety and some counselling for PTSD again, urgently.
Secondly, you are in a very dangerous situation with your boyfriend. He is manipulative and this is escalating and becoming life threatening.
Get out. You can access Womens Aid and get some practical advice and help to move forwards but you have to be proactive.

Fireside90 Mon 26-Dec-16 00:50:19

Sorry for the really late reply and thanks the replies. I was anxious about posting before. I know he wasn't abusive as I already called women's aid a few months ago and I said everything I've said here (apart from I didn't know my trauma was connected to what happened when I a child so they probably didn't believe me that I was traumatised or think that was anything to be upset about), anyway they said it wasn't abuse. They said 'yeah maybe he didn't care' like it wasn't a big deal. I only called them because someone else suggested it to me before and I just wanted to know. I never would have thought of it otherwise at all. I thought (and still do) that I'm the abusive one and there's something very wrong with me. I said this to the women on the phone. I don't know if she really thought I was or not. She said neither of us was.

I think what happened was one of those odd situations where he didn't do anything wrong but I guess because of PTSD I just was emotionally irrational and just associated him with my trauma as he didn't help me or care much. But that wasn't actually his fault but rather mine for making him in an element in the trauma in my own head. In my head it made me feel equivalent to some kind emotional abuse (which I have also known from my family) but it was never his responsibility to help me or even to understand when I was just going crazy over what to him seemed like no reason. What happened was kinda like him being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Isetan Mon 26-Dec-16 04:57:16

Your partner is a knob, I cant decide wether hes an abusive knob but messing you a boy moving and blaming you for his dickishness makes me think he is. Either way, wether he's just a knob or an abusive knob this man is nether going to be supportive and will probably be a hinderance to your recovery.

I think you should prioritise your mental health and this inconsiderate/selfish/self absorbed man baby isn't going to help you do that.

Your PTSD no doubt has affected your relationship but his behaviour has fallen well short and I think your fears are clouding your ability to see this man for who he truly is, someone who sees his needs and wants as his only priority and who will not hesitate to use your vulnerability as a stick to beat you with.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 26-Dec-16 05:44:16

So you've basically agreed to lie about your feelings so you can be in a relationship with him?

I think you have some work to do on yourself, getting well. And I think you should think about doing that work single. Because he doesn't sound like a great fit for you.

Have you had treatment for the PTSD?

humanfemale Mon 26-Dec-16 05:48:20

He's not the right person for you. You should be able to expect better than this. flowersflowersflowers

Kr1stina Mon 26-Dec-16 08:09:04

What isetan said. Get some help . Dump him.

AnxietySertraline Mon 26-Dec-16 08:52:39

Leave himflowers

ElspethFlashman Mon 26-Dec-16 08:58:14

So basically being with him makes your anxiety worse?

What is the logic in staying with him? Sounds like you would have a lot more power without him.

Though I can't understand why you don't simply walk away when he starts talking to weirdos on the street. Why stand there getting more and more anxious? Just walk away!

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