DP comments about family planning decisions have really surprised/confused me

[jobnockey]

Not sure what I’m asking about really, but just wondered what other peoples’ thoughts are and don’t want to talk to any RL friends about it…

DP and I have been together 11 years and have 7yo DS. We’re an extremely content couple and although I think I’d always imagined myself having more than one child, DP always said that he only wanted one. In fact as DS was a bit of an accident, he has made comments in the past (which he thought were jokey), that didn’t want children at all until DS came along.

Anyway – we spoke about having more kids but because he didn’t want to, we couldn’t really afford more childcare, flat was too small etc etc we stuck at 1.

However, we were out with some friends a few nights ago and the inevitable question was asked “are you two going to have more kids” (why do people need to ask this when they have no idea of whether we’ve tried or not? It really annoys me but that is for another thread!) I said 'no we stuck at one because blah blah blah' and then DP piped up to me about how he’s always felt like something is missing and that he feels like he would have bonded more with another child (DP and DS are fine together but he’s very much a ‘mummy’s boy’). I was really shocked and asked why he’s never said this before. He then said he would have had another child if it had been more important to me or if I’d have put more pressure on him.

I guess I just feel a bit confused, and not cheated exactly, but just wish he’d been more open. At the time when we decided no more kids I thought ‘ah well, DP doesn’t want another child I’m not going to try and force the issue as we both need to be on board with this…’

TBH I’m not even sure if I would have wanted another – there’s just a part of me that will always wonder what DS’s sibling would have been like. I’m 38 so I guess we could still go for it if we wanted to but I’m not sure if I want to go back to the baby days now. I love DS and love how close I am with him, but just feeling a bit sad about what might have been and mainly that DP thinks something is missing from our family… I feel like my reasoning for having a single child doesn’t actually apply anymore…

Its not a relationship problem as such. I love DP and DS, and our life together is pretty good. We don’t have much money but we’re happy most of the time. Having a 2nd child may well have upset the balance. I’m always going to wonder now though if DP is yearning for something different.

[JayoftheRed]

If he's never mentioned having another, or anything like that, is it possible he was shifting the "blame" for not having a second one on to you?

You were talking with friends, and they clearly implied they thought you should have had another child, and perhaps he felt under pressure to appear as though he wanted one but you didn't, so he's the "normal" one, as it were.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Maybe he's recently started feeling broody? Men sometimes do! And it's easy, once you feel the longing for a child, to believe in your heart you've "always" wanted it...even if your desire is actually more recent. Brains play a lot of tricks on us.

I think you should probably have a talk with him when you are feeling put together emotionally and prepared to talk about possibilities. If there are particular reasons you don't want another child you mention not wanting to go back to baby days it's always possible that if this is a priority of his, he would commit to doing things to make that phase easier for you, say by ensuring most chores are done, either him doing it personally or paying someone to come in to help.

It probably really took you by surprise that the first place he decided to talk about his broodiness was in public and that would irritate the hell out of me, too but I do believe it's possible this is a case of "I've been mulling this over in my head recently and it was the first time it came up since I had a good think about it."

[3luckystars]

38 is young!! Do it if you both want another, just go to it. No point really regretting it in 10 years.

38 is a nice age to have a baby. Go for it.

[slenderisthenight]

IMO men are notorious for not being able to date emotions. I think maybe he wants another child now.

[wafflyversatile]

From your post it seems you have been ambivalent and had different thoughts on the matter over time. He may have done too. His main feeling may have been that he preferred to stop at one but that doesn't mean that he has only ever had one completely unwavering view on the matter or that over time he's not had more ambivalent thoughts about what another child might be like.

[carmenta]

I think you need to have a more in depth chat about it. DH and I discussed off and on for about two years about a second child to make sure we were both in agreement before we started trying.