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Can I help my friend if she doesn't want to help herself or is she a lost cause?

(14 Posts)
PocketWatchFob Fri 21-Oct-16 12:20:07

I've name changed for this.

A good friend of mine is having an affair with a married man.
When I say "affair" that is not right really, the true position is that he calls her up infrequently, takes her out and they have sex. So really should say a good friend of mine is being used by a married man for sex.

He is a very bad man and she is not the only one. He is hurting her badly. I won't post here the details of all the things he has reportedly done but even in terms of infidelity and disrespect for his wife this is off the scale.

Friend is infatuated with him to the extent it is a disease. She says she is in love and to hear her talk about him is quite the thing. It is like listening to a disciple speak of their leader.

She knows it makes her unhappy and from time to time she tries to break it off with him - but history shows that she weakens eventually.
I am tired of seeing her hurt again and again.

Question: is there anything I can do positively to help her get over this and move on? Or should I just accept that she will keep doing it until she dies (probably of broken self-esteem if you can die of that)?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 21-Oct-16 13:52:20

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help her with this.
It's something she must do.
As she won't, you will just have to tell her that you don't agree with what she is doing but she is your friend and you love her. That you don't want to hear about him ever again but you would still want to meet up and catch up but to make sure talk of 'twat' is now off of the table for you.
See where that gets you.
It's like any 'addiction' really.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Oct-16 13:53:58

I would back off. There is precisely fuck all you can do do help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

PocketWatchFob Fri 21-Oct-16 14:12:36

There is precisely fuck all you can do do help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

This is the problem. She sort of does want help - as she is very self aware about it - that he is bad for her and she tries to stay away from him and he makes her depressed.

But she can't seem to get over the infatuation or maintain her resolve.

but to make sure talk of 'twat' is now off of the table for you.

Yeah - that's about right - he is a nasty piece of work. He tried to get her to go round to have sex in the marital home when his wife was away but with the kids in the house asleep. I find it difficult to compute that any human would try that.

PocketWatchFob Fri 21-Oct-16 14:13:41

Sorry AF - what I was trying to say was it is sort of like she wants help and I was asking if I can do anything given that sometimes she sort of doesn't.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 21-Oct-16 15:44:30

Short of taking her phone away from her there really isn't much you can do.
How is he able to keep contacting her?
Surely she has blocked him from her phone, apps, all social media????

GashleyCrumbTiny Fri 21-Oct-16 16:19:11

Is this the sort of situation people recommend the Freedom Programme for?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 21-Oct-16 16:22:08

It could help but I think friend is just a glutton for punishment.
It might be worth her doing the Freedom Programme on-line.
It helps with all sorts of things.

Qwerty111 Fri 21-Oct-16 16:56:18

First time poster but this rang SO many bells I had to register and reply.

I've seen a good friend through something very similar in the past and eventually after making every mistake possible we reached an agreement that we
Wouldn't talk about him AND wouldn't talk about wanting to be with him AND wouldn't talk about her wanting to break it off.

Friend had accepted that I didn't want to hear about him, but was keeping the excitement of the affair "topped up" by roping me into the drama and secrecy of discussing how she wasn't strong enough to break it off.

In the end it died a death because,basically he couldn't be bothered with the effort and she realised it wasn't much of a love affair.

I think me not being there as drama topper-upper helped it fizzle out.

I know it's hard to not support your friend- but you get sucked in and the next thing you know is that you're being used as an alibi and mutual friends ask you tactfully about YOUR relationship problems (because X has been such a good friend dropping everything to support you hmm)

Cary2012 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:26:29

I definitely agree that you should tell her that you won't discuss him, get involved in the fallouts or hear about him again.

He sounds her dirty little secret and she sounds immature and infatuated and probably enjoys and thrives off all the cloak and dagger drama. If you act bored by it all, and disengage, you're not 'feeding' her excitement, and hopefully she might grow up and see her sordid behaviour for exactly what it is.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Oct-16 17:27:11

Yes, I agree. It will be adding to the "buzz" if you go over and over how awful it all is.

Just go stoney cold on any mention of him, and tell her why.

Queenoftheblues Fri 21-Oct-16 17:58:48

Why don't you anonymously tell the wife? Then he'll have to end it with your friend. Cruel to be kind and yes she will be devastated but she will get over it.

JoJoSM2 Fri 21-Oct-16 19:12:36

Don't just blame it on him - it takes two to tango. I imagine she has some underlying issues and will do anything to sabotage her own happiness... She'd probably need to want to change and get professional help.

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 21-Oct-16 22:06:11

You have to step away. And then it might make her realise when you have stopped contact.

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