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Stalker - what are my options?

(54 Posts)
4two4 Fri 21-Oct-16 12:01:39

I lived in a shared house in my early twenties with a window facing out on to an office building. We started getting notes through the door addressed to me and I also started to get emails online and on facebook from a man who said he worked in the building opposite and that he was watching me. It escalated over a few days to the point where I would leave the house and he would send me an email commenting on what I was wearing and where I was going, so he was obviously following me. He did various other things including starting a facebook group which featured updates on what I was doing which he invited my facebook friends to join and posted pictures of me on (then deleted.)

I called the police, who went to his house and basically told him to stop. He accepted a caution.

A few months ago (now ten years later - I'm in my early thirties, married with children and moved hundreds of miles from where I originally was) I've received a series of messages from a false profile telling me that it's him and basically blaming me for causing his interest ten years ago because I was a "tease" and performing strip and masturbation shows in front of the window specifically for him and for bringing men home and having sex with them to "make him jealous." Obviously this is bollocks.

He seems to be under the impression that I have been trying to get his attention / that he and I are some sort of long lost lovers / meant to be / and all I actually need is a discrete way for us to be in contact. I.e. we just need to hide our attraction/affair better. He said he has set up a way for us to be in contact away from the prying eyes of police / my DH.

I'm not sure whether to contact the police again - this would be a new branch with no record of what previously happened, or to reply to his messages and directly dispel all his delusions. Ie "I am not interested in you, you are frightening me. Nothing you say happened ever happened and if you contact me again I will be calling the police (again.)"

What should I be doing?

Brenna24 Fri 21-Oct-16 12:05:11

Police. As soon as poosible. Anything else he will take as acceptance of his interest. I would imagine there will be some record of him getting the caution.

NotTheFordType Fri 21-Oct-16 12:05:24

Christ. Yes, contact the police asap. To have kept the delusion going for 10 years is really unhinged. Don't communicate with him directly until you've spoken to them and got their advice.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers Fri 21-Oct-16 12:06:15

Absolutely no contact from you. Straight to the police, report all this and get them to contact the other force. Ask for their advice on how to stay safe.
And be very very careful - this sounds like full blown erotomania.
There's a helpline as well - call them. Do this urgently

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 21-Oct-16 12:09:32

Go to the police. Even if it is in a different part of the country, they are able to get the details of what happened last time from the other force.

Don't engage with him or acknowledge receipt of anything he's sending you at all. He'll only send you more if he knows it's getting to you.

HarmlessChap Fri 21-Oct-16 12:09:47

Police without delay it sounds like he has MH problems, so you don't know how this might escalate.

Also if you've not already told DH then do so now as he may well start to message him with all sorts of lies.

GinIsIn Fri 21-Oct-16 12:11:19

Police. Do not reply, do not engage - straight to the police. Check all your online security settings are at the maximum. Also, worth getting in touch with the original force who dealt with the caution.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Oct-16 12:12:03

Do not contact him at all but call the police instead and tell them that this individual is stalking you again. Stalking became a criminal offence in England and Wales in November 2012 and it can happen to anyone.

Things you can do, straightaway, if you think you are experiencing harassment or stalking include:

Keeping a diary of events. Write down the date, time, location and details of what happens. It’s also a good idea to include information about any other witnesses who can confirm what happened.

Keeping copies of letters, text messages and emails, and taking screenshots of other online messages (e.g. on Facebook).

AnyFucker Fri 21-Oct-16 12:17:17

Go to the police again. Today.

QuizteamBleakley Fri 21-Oct-16 12:37:22

Another one urging you to go straight to the Police. Details of the original caution will be on the PNC (Police National Computer) and will have a unique ref no attached to it. The original crime will be easily accessible by the investigating officer/s.
Call right now. flowers

PatMullins Fri 21-Oct-16 12:40:51

As others have said, please don't contact him.
Keep all evidence for the police.

Sorry you are going through this flowers

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 21-Oct-16 12:43:02

What are your options? I'll list them for you:


Good luck!

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 21-Oct-16 13:23:10

Fuck. Contact the Police ASAP.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Fri 21-Oct-16 15:12:09

Police will be able to access all the old details. Please go to them asap.

4two4 Fri 21-Oct-16 15:13:32

Thank you everyone. I will report.

The only reason I was considering messaging him is that I thought it would pop his delusional bubble if it came from the horse's mouth but that is probably too simplistic of me.

Lessthanaballpark Fri 21-Oct-16 15:16:46

Have you been to the police? Please say you have.

Also tell your DH. He needs to know it's bollocks and you need his support.

mypropertea Fri 21-Oct-16 15:18:06

Sorry but I think he is past the point where you can pop the bubble. Hope will win over experience.

manhowdy Fri 21-Oct-16 15:18:50

He sounds absolutely deranged OP (not wishing to add to your worries). You've already concluded this but: Police. And push for some kind for court order that prohibits him coming near you or contacting you.

keepingonrunning Fri 21-Oct-16 15:21:16

Disturbed characters do not have the same thought processes as the rest of us. Please do not contact him. Whatever you say you will be he will take it as encouragement. You will be rewarding his approaches.
Go to straight to the police.
Just awful for you flowers

MsMims Fri 21-Oct-16 15:24:37

Definitely police. I would also deactivate your Facebook account. If you really want to be on there, make a new profile with a false name and don't have a photo of yourself in the sections that can be viewed by people who aren't friends with you.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers Fri 21-Oct-16 15:30:28

Also please tell your dh and talk about safety - this man sounds could be a danger to both of you.
But police first. Today if possible. As soon as you can. Stay safe

SleepingTiger Fri 21-Oct-16 15:33:12

Call the police immediately and push them relentlessly to deal with it effectively even prosecution.

Amandahugandkisses Fri 21-Oct-16 15:37:29

For gods sake don't tell him you're frightened - that's what he wants! He will feed off that.
No contact and police.

Thisjustinno Fri 21-Oct-16 15:44:45

No contact and Police.

Stalkers tend to fall into broad groups; one being 'delusional'. They really do feel that some kind of relationship or connection exists but that something is getting in the way. My stalker thought I was having his baby despite there never being any physical contact between us but he did have an extensive MH history and confirmed diagnosis of schizophrenia.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 21-Oct-16 15:46:08

I would also deactivate your Facebook account.

You can set your privacy settings so that your profile is invisible to everyone bar your friends. Even searches by strangers won't bring it up. Then the only way someone can message you, add you, or even see that you're using Facebook is if you first find them and send them a friend request.

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