Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What do I do- EA turned love(7 Posts)
Been with husband 9 years, married 5. Have a four year old. Had sex about twenty times in our relationship. Nothing in last two and can't remember when we last kissed. He does have a medical condition and went for help initially but never went back for follow up so we muddled through.mover the years it has become a friendship and I've told my husband this repeatedly and nothing has changed. Anyway, I thought I could live with it. We both have good jobs, a nice house and a wonderful child.
Until... I moved companies three years ago and met a man who worked for me. We got on OK, usual working relationship but I found his stable and reliable. Around eighteen months ago he moved onto another role and he initiated talking outside work. All work orientated for months until there was an incident at a works do where I confided in him about another colleague bullying menand about being raped at 17. He was fantastic and from there on in our relationship grew. We used to talk all the time about anything and then it merged into 6am morning messages and 11pm sleep well texts. I also missed him at work and he started to show signs of jealousy.
All came to a head when he went away for a week recently. I interpreted something he sent as a sign he found me attractive and found emotions just spilled out of me. I declared myself and he split with his girlfriend of four years that weekend as he didn't want to cheat on her. We became physical about two weeks later and it has been the best sex I've ever had. Since then it has gone into love and all I want to do is be with him. He is really patient and understanding and copes with my depression and worries better than anyone I know.
This ended up with me breaking down to my husband that I didn't fancy him anymore and didn't want to be with him. My husband refuses to see that our relationship wasn't normal and seems to think with counselling and medication all will be ok. I just want to move on, celebrate our child together and move in our with our lives.
Am I mad? How do I end my marriage respectfully? Has anyone got similar stories where an EA has ended successfully?
My husband refuses to see that our relationship wasn't normal and seems to think with counselling and medication all will be ok.
By medication, does he mean Viagra?
There are a lot of relationships that have started when two people have left their previous partners and got together. It sounds like you have had an "exit affair". Your attraction to your colleague has given you the strength to leave your failed marriage.
Now you need to be strong enough to tell your H that no, sorry, it's over. You need to be prepared to move out with your DC and give him space to grieve the relationship. Hopefully he will not take it out on your DC or use your DC to hurt you.
I guess if you want to end it respectfully then you need to tell your husband the truth.
From your post this isn't still an EA affair but a physical one, you can't continue to deceive your husband. It will hurt him but better he knows the truth and can hopefully move on himself.
You have cheated on your husband.
You just need to end it and move out.
But don't put too much on this new relationship. There's no guarantee that will work either.
Your relationship wasn't in any way what I'd call a good real relationship but more platonic and perhaps friendship. However while your husband was happy to muddle along in denial you were not and should have ended things long before.
I agree with previous poster, it was an emotional affair it's now a full on one- emotional and physical.
You cant end it respectfully because cheating isn't respectful. You can end it honestly though which is what you should have both been in the first place. It's a shame he's been in denial, it has contributed to your relationship changing but it didn't make you cheat, that onus is on you. To avoid blame I would be 100% honest as you have in your op: it was 50/50 fault things changed because you were both denying it and muddling through but you take responsibility for the affair which has shown you what you actually want.
And yes I know some affairs that have been successful. I would personally always worry that someone I'd been in affair with would cheat on me but I've seen the result both ways- cheating on the other woman/man and not cheating.
Does your affair partner want a "proper" relationship with you?
Either way you sound like you want to leave your H.
I was where you are. I didn't tell my H about my affair and TBH wouldn't suggest you should. I would explain all the reasons why the marriage is over (leaving affair part out as it sounds like it was over regardless of affair.) my feeling is if you tell him about affair it will cause him extra pain and make him feel inadequate. I also think it could make him more bitter towards you and make it hard to co-parent and make it harder for your DC.
You have to either end the affair or your marriage though. Carrying on both is a recipe for disaster.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.