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Is it wrong to want a successful partner?

(40 Posts)
GemmaRalph Thu 20-Oct-16 19:25:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn Thu 20-Oct-16 19:27:18

You mean you want someone who is your equal?

Lunar1 Thu 20-Oct-16 19:27:28

Not at all unreasonable, your not saying I want to be a kept woman, you are saying you want someone with the same values as you.

miserablehr Thu 20-Oct-16 19:28:12

Not stupid and shallow just as long as it's not at the expense of other qualities like kindness. My Mum always told my sister and me - if you marry for money, you pay for it.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 20-Oct-16 19:30:54

Nah I don't think so. It sounds superficial but actually you need someone who is more or less a match on your fundamental values. Hard work and good judgement and relatively similar financial / other status are good things to value.

There are exceptions to this ofc, but as long as you don't shut your eyes to someone just because they (for eg) earn less, then it's kinda reasonable.

Might put it more tactfully though, "i want to be with someone who's successful" is a bit bald. Especially if you're chatting with friends who have maybe become SAHMs or who have had kids and seen their career truncated.

mrschatty Thu 20-Oct-16 19:31:32

Well your going to be rulling out some amazing guys who work in lower skilled lower paid jobs.
It is shallow because basically your looking at occupation/ambition before personality traits. Just because their a CEO doesn't mean he's going to rub your feel when your poorly or be a support and a partner in your personal life
My now dh had a job in a call centre when we first met he even considered being a bin man at one time because the money was better. Over time he has grown in skills and qualifications and now wins top awards in his field. You could also be missing out in helping someone grow and achieve their future potential

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 20-Oct-16 19:33:17

Not at all unreasonable as you're successful in your career yourself.

If somebody wasn't successful themselves but set their bar for a successful partner 'to make up the shortfall', it would be a different story and it would almost be like prostituting yourself. Women should always be able to make their own money without reliance on a partner. I think that's been drummed into me all of my life.

I love being married but I could walk away in a heartbeat and be independent if I needed to and I think that's important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 20-Oct-16 19:34:12

Agree with SeaEagleFeathers, that's a really important point about similar fundamental values.

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 20-Oct-16 19:34:24

Not unreasonable at all. I knew I wanted someone with ambition and drive and fit exactly that with my DH, along with lots of other great qualities.

Nothing wrong with a 'plodder', my BIL is one, lovely steady reliable bloke but mid 30's and he's happy with his lot with absolutely no desire to do any better, different or more, and that type of person is just not for me.

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 20-Oct-16 19:37:31

*got exactly that

KateInKorea Thu 20-Oct-16 19:38:52

Nothing wrong with that at all, but every high achieving man I know has a wife who has taken the back seat regardless of her career at the time the first child was born. Power couples are as rare as.... the Clintons. I guess two high powered careers bring their own challenges, but no I agree with you.

Ragwort Thu 20-Oct-16 19:41:58

Do you define 'successful' as earning a similar salary to you? Do you only respect 'ambition' when it relates to careers?

Plenty of people have successful lives but may be on minimum wage - what does 'success' mean to you?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone with the same values as you - just be clear what those values are.

ANewStartOverseas Thu 20-Oct-16 19:42:08

It depends what you mean by sucessful.
If its just about money, then yes it might be a bit shallow. After all, you can be the main earner in the couple.

But if its about some personal qualities, work ethics etc etc then yes it makes sense.

There is also the issue of havig similar ideas of what you expect from life.
If you are the type of person who wants to go far, is ready to go overseas to get that, work extremely ong hours etc... whereas your partner is happy to plod along, doesnt want to move from his town and is athome at 5.30 at the end of his day, then it is likely to slash anyway. Two very different lifestyle. Too different.

SheldonCRules Thu 20-Oct-16 19:45:19

As long as it's not all about the money then it's fine. I wouldn't want a partner who lacked a work ethic, wouldn't share the financial stress or was lazy.

Trifleorbust Thu 20-Oct-16 19:47:39

It's not shallow as such. It is definitely pragmatic, so as long as you are happy to cede the moral high ground, knock yourself out 😂 If you are honest with yourself, does 'successful' mean able to provide for you in extremis, respected at work, your social equal? I don't think many of us would be happy telling the bloke who works (perfectly successfully) as a truck driver that we don't want to date him because we feel the disparity between our incomes and levels of professional achievement, but if it's true it's true.

Dozer Thu 20-Oct-16 19:51:40

"every high achieving man I know has a wife who has taken the back seat regardless of her career at the time the first child was born"

That's my observation too.

It is very hard to be "passionate" about WoH and continue to be "successful" if you have DC and a partner who doesn't do a fair share of parenting and domestic work, and IME that's the vast majority of men.

Atenco Thu 20-Oct-16 19:55:43

Mmm, my SIL married a successful man, the PIL were delighted. But a few months later he decided to drop out.

I can understand that his income, level of education and attitude to work might be important to you, but would you stop loving him if illness or unemployment turned him into an unsuccessful man?

BadGrandma Thu 20-Oct-16 19:56:52

Define successful....?
I have a mate (who is also my ex, but that's by the by....) who is a social worker who specialises in children's homes. He doesn't have shed-loads of money - but he's very successful in his chosen field. He does lots and lots of Good Stuff. He's awesome and I am proud to call him a friend. His wife is proud to be with him too.
I used to go out with a guy who had a high-powered job in an international media company. He knew all sorts of famous people intimately, he was the sort of guy they came to for favours and help when stuff got difficult. He had plenty of money. He also had the relationship skills of a louse. I adored him but I knew he'd dump me in the end - I was hurt when he did, but not remotely surprised.
I also know a guy who had a break up when he was fifty - he wanted a pretty young trophy girlfriend to massage his ego. Was quite proud to be called shallow. He accidentally met a woman his own age, only really got talking to her because he thought she was being a bit daft and he wanted to offer her advice - within 24 hours of meeting she had his heart in her hand and they're still together 18 years later.
Success is a strange thing, and it means something different to each person. You'll know when you find the right person... who might only be the right person for a while. But you'll know.

nulgirl Thu 20-Oct-16 20:02:59

For me it is about ambition, passion and drive but the money angle is important too.

I've just finished my marriage and although I'm not yet at a position mentally to look for another partner, when I am ready I would only be interested in someone who earns a reasonable amount of money. I'm not a gold digger but I spent the last 15 years being the breadwinner by far and paying for most of the bills/ holidays/ outings. I really don't want another partner who can't afford to contribute equally and will rely on me to pick up the tab. I want the money that I earn to benefit my children and myself and not subsidise another adult.

ANewStartOverseas Thu 20-Oct-16 20:05:11

Regarding it being impossible to still be working if you are married to a highly sucessful man...
Maybe you should read a thread going on atm with women who are highly sucessful. They all seem to think that nowdays having a partner that is working and is equally sucessful is becoming the norm...

Thread here

GemmaRalph Thu 20-Oct-16 20:05:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GemmaRalph Thu 20-Oct-16 20:07:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ANewStartOverseas Thu 20-Oct-16 20:20:06

Nothing but its just starting to change and not everyone has received the memo, maybe esp men.

The issue with 'having to fund'... that happens every single time that there is a difference in wages between the two partners. One ends up 'subsidizing' the other. Or another way to say (whihc I much much prefer) is to say that all the money is going in the common pot.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Thu 20-Oct-16 20:21:52

I don't think it's wrong to want an equal but earning lots of money won't make them a better person than the poor man, in fact I would say some high achieving men have some less than desirable qualities (don't flame me, not all of course).

Want I'm trying to say is, don't get blinded by money.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 20-Oct-16 20:28:47

^I don't agree with the point on woman's careers after children either...sorry.

Why can't parents share the responsibility of childcare and still have successful careers?^

absolutely agreed. They should (and more fathers taking paternity leave would be a good start, a la Scandanavia). It's just not the way the world often works in the UK. If you're being pragmatic, that possibility needs to be faced and you need to plan how to avoid it happening.

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