Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Opinions on this please....(11 Posts)
Sorry it's a long one but people's opinions on this might help me see sense.
H and me have finally split after years of a miserable relationship.
Been together 10 years, have one ds and am currently pregnant 36 weeks)
We hAd split before which only lasted a few days. H went mad when we split and smashed the house up. H is a bit of a social media addict and as soon as it happened, instead of talking he put it all over social media etc. We started talking and decided to give it one more go, but certain things needed to change. One of my conditions was that h helps more in the house and gets out of bed at a reasonable time and improves his personal hygiene. He was extremely messy in the house before, hardly showered and used to sleep in when he wasn't at work until midday.
Things got so much better, he was clean, helped in the house etc. After a few months I got pregnant, then things started slowly slipping. Eventually it got to the point he was worse than before with everything such as hygiene, being messy and it helping in the house, sleeping in and dealing with money etc (I also did things wrong, I am aware of that, it wasn't all him).
One day I took a picture on his phone as mine had no memory, I then went to send the picture to myself, when I opened the album to select the picture there were numerous naked pictures of himself, and then a screen shot of a message he had sent to someone, the message had a pic of him lying topless on the floor. (No idea who took it! He says he uses the camera timer) and the message said 'shit sorry, that was meant to go to - woman's name - . I felt bad for snooping, so didn't mention this to him. The woman's name is someone he works with.
I got so fed up but was scared to end it as I had nowhere to go and last time his behaviour was so intimidating.
One day we hadn't spoke all day, I was upstairs tidying and he was watching telly, I went downstairs and as he hadn't showered the room smelt. I opened the window and he went in a mega strop saying it was freezing, I was wearing a strappy top, he had a t shirt and jumper on, he then put on a big coat and wooly hat and sat there huffing at me. Eventually I flipped at him and told him I couldn't do t anymore, our relationship was a joke etc.
I quickly threw a bag of stuff together for me and ds and we went to a friends.
H stayed very very calm i didn't hear off him for a few days, then he messaged me saying that he has a right to be there when dc is born. I said I had no problem with that as long as he is reasonable in the mean time. We then started talking like normal and he was going on about putting all bills in his name and he was buying a new pet and maybe because I will claim as a single person I could help him out with money
A few days after he asked to see ds, he doesn't drive so I took ds round and the house was spotless. He had also had a shower etc.
I have popped in unannounced a few times and the house is now immaculate. I then found out that he had not told mil that we had split up. I told her. She said she doesn't want to see my ds or the new dc he hasn't put a thing on social media either which is very very unlike him, and he seems happy.
I claimed as a single person and all my benefits (apart from child benefit) have been stopped while it's looked into. I have also been told I can't get any help with housing... at all. when I took ds round I was in tears saying I have no where to go and no money, he just said I could take some food from the fridge .
He said he didn't tell his mom as she annoys him. He hasn't offered any money for maintenance and doesn't seem bothered I have no where to go.
I don't know if it was his plan all along, to get me out. As he seems a totally different person and I couldn't beleive the tidying he had done in the house and how clean he was being but I also find it strange he didn't tell mil, and hadn't put anything on social media (there was one post that was quickly deleted).
I then found a book he writes down all his incoming/outgoings in. He had worked out how much money he needs to pay all bills himself and for fags and stuff and how much he has left over at the end of the month. I have no idea if this was done before or after I left. He doesn't seem concerned about me or th children at all as long as I ferry ds to him for an hour or so when he demands.... and last time I took him I asked him to give ds a bath.... he said he couldn't because he'd put his dinner on (none for ds) and he was hungry i bathed ds and then took him back.
What would you make of the situation?
Well, my thoughts are that he probably has another woman.
If you're married, and it's not a rental or social housing, then half the house is yours and I'd be going after it.
I wouldn't have him at the birth, unless you actually want him there. Have someone nice who has your back there instead.
I'd also give his set access times to your dc and leave it to him to work out how he gets there. And go after him for child support through the CMS if he won't pay.
He doesn't have a right to be at the birth - you can have who you want there - it is your call.
Agree with category - I suspect there is someone else (possibly has been for a while).
Other than that - he is completely taking the piss. Stop taking the DC over to him. How he gets to see them is up to him. What happens if you have a C-section - you won't be able to drive?
As for money and what to do right now - Rights of Women: rightsofwomen.org.uk/ will be helpful. Don't give up on the house that easily. And don't accept the answer that you are not entitled to help with housing. contact the CSA (or whatever it is called now) - he needs to start paying for your DS (the cheek of him to suggest you help him out with money!)
Sounds awful - he sounds awful. You are definitely doing the right thing in leaving. It maybe tough for a bit though .
You've been totally played & there's an OW on the scene.
You've done his dirty work for him
Putting aside any thoughts of another woman - he sounds a lot happier and motivated seperated which will naturally be hard to.stomach but you know you both weren't happy together so unfortunately this is the downside to splitting - seeing the other person doing ok without you. Cynical but true. However he owes maintenance and you need to sort the house out. Stop going round, have him pick his son up himself and get to the solicitor.
Thank you. I have arranged for estate agents to value the property tomorrow and Monday.
Am hoping he will buy me out, if not it will have to be sold.
I am arranging a solicitor appointment for next week.
I don't mind seeing him happy, there has been no love between us for a long time now. I was just hoping everything could be civil for the children but I just feel he is taking the piss.
I just got another text of him with a list of days he wants to see ds
In what way taking the piss?
Standard behviour (unless youre very lucky) : arsing about paying for children, arsing about on contact arrangements/doing what suits their new single man schedule.
This is what solicitors are for. Assume no civility then any you encounter will be a bonus. Youve not got on for ages, its going to be painful for a little while yet. Again cynical but true. Hang in there.
Well he just said he has a few days off coming up, he will want to see ds on these days.
He hasn't told me what days. He just expects me to take ds to his house and wait there until he is ready for him to leave. He won't have ds for dinner etc. (I suspect his excuse for this will be ds allergies)
He won't take ds anywhere so he will just be sitting in front of the tv, his excuse for this is that he doesn't drive. There is a soft place round the corner but he won't take him there as it involves paying
Get some legal advice ASAP. I wouldn't have moved out tbh, you say you have nowhere to go, where are you and your ds living then? If you need to, you should be legally entitled to move back in, so do it. He has NO right at all to be at the birth so he can fuck right off with that. He was obviously cheating and I would want him anywhere near me in labour. Anyway, I would make of it that's he's a complete cunt, and you need a good solicitor to make sure you get everything you're legally entitled to in terms of share of the house, any savings or other joint assets etc. And start putting together a timetable of access so that your ds has the stability of knowing who is looking after him when.
So stop letting him call the shots. Stop bending over backwards. He picks up dc at (such and such) time, and returns at (such and such) time.
A pretty normal arrangement is every other weekend, maybe one evening in the week.
If he cannot be trusted to look after your dc, then he doesn't see them, or he sees them on supervised access arranged through the courts.
Also, you can't control what he does or doesn't do with your ds on his time with him, so if he can't be arsed to take him to soft play, he can't be arsed. It's not the end of the world for your ds to watch tv all afternoon.
If he's neglectful of your child to the point of endangerment, then unless he has huge mitigating reasons for this, then I would wonder why you'd let him see the child at all. If on the other hand he needs help looking after your ds because there are mitigating circumstances, there's still no reason for it to be YOU supervising - family, friends or officials are better fitted for it.
If he's just lazy and wants everything his own way, and is used to you doing all the actual grunt-work of childcare, but won't actually neglect your child to the point of harm if left with him, then just he gets access, but not whenever it suits him and while you hang around - but on formal terms, and on his own responsibility.
I think maybe you're so used to doing whatever he says, that you don't realise you're free and don't have to anymore. Try not doing what he says. It'll be great.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.