Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So worn down(15 Posts)
Sometimes I forget and let down my guard and speak freely to you as if you were a friend who I could just chat normally to. As if you were on my side, as if we had a marriage like other people do. It's my mistake.
I should never forget that I need to watch every thing I say and do in case it triggers you. I forgot that you are not someone I can trust or be myself with but someone I have to always make sure I protect myself from. It won't happen again. Can't think what came over me. I have got really really good at hiding the fact that I feel anything and am usually Ok at mentally rephrasing everything several times before I say it out loud in case I could give you a reason to ignore or abuse me.
I will try harder. Tread more carefully again.
Soon it will get to the point where I won't speak at all. Just keep completely silent, keep plodding on, getting on with things, trying to keep it together, bite my tongue, don't cry, don't worry, don't feel, don't think, don't dwell, don't let any bad thoughts into my head, read crap on the Internet, play a game, read a book, anything to not think, not let my feelings out, don't look the wrong way, don't let anything show on my face, keep my head down, blank expression, talk in a calm voice, no criticism, nothing which could be taken the wrong way, act normal, play dead, hide anything which might make you in a bad mood, stick to neutral subjects - food, friends, kids, never mention money, never mention worries, never show I'm scared, never show if I've had a bad day, never ask for help, never expect support, never hope things will be different, don't expect too much, accept everything, don't complain, don't shout, don't roll my eyes, try to block out the negativity which seeps into everything like poison, close my ears to the cursing, anger, pretend I can't hear the complaints, try to keep the peace, try not to be infected by the pessimism, the vitriol, think happy thoughts, don't internalise the constant bitching and backbiting against everyone in the world, smooth things over, make amends, make excuses for others to try to protect them, take responsibility for everyone's mistakes - better you're angry at me than them, hide mess, play things down, don't use the wrong tone, don't push, don't nag, don't forget things, don't make mistakes, don't hold a grudge, don't try to talk things over, love unconditionally, make peace, say sorry - always, for everything no matter what the situation, try to be gentle, try to be warm, offer tea, hold hands, turn the other cheek, focus on the children, all that matters is them being happy, put up, shut up, take it, block it out, hold them on my lap and close my eyes and think it's all worth it, that I can take anything, that I can do this, can keep doing this, because I have to.
You don't have to, especially not for your DC sake. You are teaching them this is how relationships are. Leaving is the best things you could do for them as well as yourself.
My heart goes out to you. Please, keep posting, you express exactly how it is to live in an EA relationship.
Plan. Find papers, decide where to go, pack a bag. Breath. Hold your head high and dont look back. Enjoy. Make your own mind up. Have opinions. Have emotions (there will be a lot of them) Don't be perfect. Admit you need help. Be the receiver instead of the giver.
Enjoy the freedom. The freedom to cry, to act, to relax, to laugh. Laugh so hard that your sides hurt. Read book for no other reason than the enjoyment. You won't need to hide, to act, to stay quiet. Be strong, be brave, be your children's hero. Be your own hero.
Read this thread again and the OP's subsequent posts www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1605649-Leave-the-bastard
We all know it is difficult as hell to leave but the giving him time you were doing in 2012 has lead you here.
Yes it has Offred. He is no longer physically aggressive. Hasn't seriously lost his temper (smashing stuff stage) for a very very long time - years maybe. So I guess it is better - kind of. But the constant negativity and irritability and low level snappiness is so draining.
I have a lovely friend who has been through a hell of a time. Her alcoholic ex made her life miserable and abused their child. She divorced him and had to cope with holding down a full time job and looking after her kids alone. She is the most positive, happy, wonderful person to be around. She radiates positivity despite all the awful things she has been through. And as a consequence I LOVE spending time with her.
My husband is the exact opposite. He is like a vampire draining all that is good and happy out of me. He never says a good thing about a person. Almost every word out of his mouth is a complaint or snipe about someone or something.
I know I don't HAVE to put up with it. I could ask him to leave. I know.
Anything I could say at his point has been said a million times by a million women:
"He is great with the kids and they adore him" "we have good times" "it's easier having a bad husband than no husband and having to do everything alone" "I don't want to share custody of my children" "I'm scared" "he has nothing but me and nowhere to go if I kick him out".
Also I am the only breadwinner and he is the stay at home parent. And we live in a Muslim country. He might be able to take my children. And he will certainly be entitled to financial support from me as I will have to pay for somewhere for him to live and for his cost of living as he doesn't work if I want him to stay near the kids which will cripple me.
I just want to be with someone who is nice to me
There is no easy answer. I just need to vent sometimes and I don't talk to any of my friends about my marriage or my feelings. I'm a bit scared if I stared to I'd break down completely. But perhaps seeing a therapist may help me. Ether to find the strength to leave or give me some coping tools to bear it better and not let it make me a worse mother or colleague or friend.
. My heart goes out to you, I feel stuck in my EA marriage but the practicalities of your situation are so much worse. No advice really, just handholding.
Op your words are fabulous and certainly do resonate. I'm totally speechless, so perfectly summed up. Massive hugs to you and please know you're not alone.
You could apply for a job back home in the UK, move the family back and then sort out a properly managed divorce once you are home. You have power that you're not using: the power of being the breadwinner in this relationship. Time perhaps to use it?
Once home, you can separate yourself and the children from his toxic influence or agree to stay together temporarily but at least you have legal recourse back home and certain rights that you don't have where you currently are.
In your shoes, I would plan carefully for a big move home. Its the only way for you to move forward in life and to get out of this relationship that is slowly but surely destroying you and very likely, your children too.
I've lived here for ten years, it's my home, all my friends are here and my career is very tied to the region. I have very little prospect of continuing my career back in the UK and even if I did the salary would be less than a third of what I earn here. I've spent 15 years building a successful practise and attaining a very senior management role and my work is one of the only parts of my life that is fulfilling and gives me self esteem.
I also get to leave my office before 5pm every day here so I can spend every bath and bedtime with my children. At home my working hours and the commute would mean I didn't see them at all during the week.
Moving back to the UK is not an easy option either.
I do have power by being the main breadwinner - if I wasn't in that position I would surely have been broken by now. It does give me strength and independence in many ways. But it also means I have ALL the responsibility.
I support my family including my widowed mother in the UK who only has a state pension to survive on. A lot of people are wholly dependent on my earnings. And that won't change if I separate from my husband. In fact it would probably be worse.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm being ungrateful I really appreciate the thoughts and different suggestions and am not trying to throw cold water or shoot it all down. They do have some validity and are good food for thought. I'm not dismissing the ideas just thinking through the ramifications and complexities.
Many people live on much less than the state pension. I don't think a mother who cared for you would want you to continue in this relationship just so you could give her extra money.
Your practical situation is challenging but it is also completely unsustainable and you do need to find a way of doing something about it eventually. You've clearly detached over the four years since that thread which is progress.
Join the discussion
Please login first.