Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Opinions please(101 Posts)
This isn't a really serious post or anything really but something that's been nagging me abit. I've been with my partner nearly a year, he has 2 children who have just had their birthdays, I bought them both presents and cards etc.
My other child had his birthday and my partner didn't get him anything,
not even a card which did frustrate me but he literally had no money at the time. He's self employed and absolutely no one was paying him. It was a very stressful time and he felt awful about not getting my son a present but I said it was fine, I totally understood his money issues etc.
Now it's my daughters birthday tomorrow as I mentioned and he's not got her anything. He's not even mentioned that he's going too. Both his children are coming to my daughters party tonight.
I'm going to be abit annoyed if he doesn't get her anything. I went out of my way for his daughters birthday to get her something I knew she really wanted. It wasn't easy to get hold of or cheap for that matter but I didn't mind because I have a great relationship with her and it was lovely to see her opening her present.
I really don't think he's going to bother getting my daughter anything. Like I say, when it was my sons birthday I totally understood but that's been and gone now and he's got money in the bank.
I know it was my decision to get his daughter something nice, I shouldn't expect the same from him but it's the fact he's not even thinking he should be at least getting her a card. We're aren't at the stage where we would write both our names in a daughter card or anything.
As I'm writing this post, I'm just thinking I sound such an idiot and this is petty. We just spend every weekend together now as a family, our kids get on great but I just feel it's one rule for his kids and another for mine. I do everything I can to make his children feel welcome and at home in my house, I buy all their food when they are here, clean up after them. He knows i do so much for his family and tells me how much he appreciates it but he can't even get my daughter a card when it's her birthday
He couldn't even scrape together a couple of a quid for a card and a small present? And you buy all of his kids food when they are with him? That is shit.
I would wait to see if he produces something tonight.
If not, it is a little unfair on you and your children.
i wouldn't accept this tbh. Set the bar higher for yourself and your kids.
Ask him now outright, this way he knows what you expect and where your boundaries are.
Let your boundaries slip and that's when the rot sets in.
Tell him in future you don't expect to have to mention it ever again.
Yeah, it's not her birthday until tomorrow so I'm hoping when her friends come to her party with little presents for her tonight it might make him think.
I don't know if he's just a typical man and doesn't think like that but it's no excuse. If he still doesn't even get her a card after going to her party I think I might need to re think the relationship. I feel he's just using me to look after his kids. He's a lovely person and so good with my children. But it's a two way think. Even my mum bought his daughter a card and a little box of chocolates. It's just hurt me he hasn't said 'what should I get xxx for her birthday?' I've been banging on about it for the last few weeks as I've been organising her party which has been stressful. Anyway will see what tonight brings.
He will be here in the morning when she opens some of her presents I have got her before school so will see how that goes too.
I just thought I might be over reacting to the whole thing a little bit x
I suspect he is one of those men whose partner has always dealt with gifts.
Why are you the one cleaning up after and paying to feed his kids?
Do you live together?
Yeah, he in general just cannot look after himself. He just doesn't have a clue at all. He's had a very tough life, especially the last few years where things have been absolutely horrible for him. His dad took his own life and then shortly afterwards he found out he wasn't actually his real father. He's having counselling for all this and I'm there for him the best I can be. It's obviously had a massive impact on his life.
I don't mind at all doing things for him but things like not even getting my kids a card not their birthdays makes me feel like I get nothing in return. This post has actually made me really think about our relationship.
We don't live together properly yet but as our kids get on so well, we tend to spend the weekends together.
Oh my gosh, I'm just way too soft aren't I?
Sounds like he is a Taker and you ate a Rescuer
Which works for a while until you start to realise all the effort is going in one direction only
And the way you said "this isn't a serious post or anything" makes me think your standards in men are very, very low
You should expect more for yourself as well as your dc
This has cocklodger written all over it.
"He in general just cannot look after himself" - or his kids. How would he cope if you were busy on the next weekend he has his kids. Probably helpless is my guess.
"He tells me how much he appreciates it" - but how does he show you? By letting you carry on feeding and cleaning up after him and his kids but not reciprocating for your kids.
He's got a cushy number.
He's not a bad person, I don't want to make him sound like he is. He's very affectionate, caring, makes me laugh. He's the most loving person I've ever known. He does the man jobs around the house. I just think he's so lost in himself at the moment. This post has now made me so confused
You sound nice, he sounds very self-absorbed or thinking that kids are "woman work". In both cases, not very nice and I would guess not related to his bereavement.
There are no such things as man jobs.
I don't know if he's just a typical man and doesn't think like that but it's no excuse
There is no typical man. They're not a hive mind.
Some men will find a pound to buy a card and a chocolate bar for a child whose mother finances and feeds him, some won't.
I will just see what tonight and tomorrow brings. I'm not going to mention or hint that he gets her something. I'll leave it up to him and let his own mind decide. If he doesn't then that will be a proper kick in the teeth and I will most defiantly be saying something. It will be a good way I can get everything out about what I do for his children etc.
Whatever happens, I won't let it spoil my daughters birthday :-)
And by serious post, I just mean that I've been reading other people's post about affairs and abuse etc. I don't want to come across as being pathetic when there are people on here with much bigger problems than this
Just be dead casual about it and say 'so what did you get DD in the end?'
If he says nothing then ask why not?
If you feel like you can't be that direct with him I would suggest there are bigger communication issues at stake than a missing present. X
If you move in together you will basically become his mother. Doing everything for him and taking care of him and his kids.
I'd find it so unattractive to have to be "stricter" with a boyfriend. Are you his girlfriend or his mum? Do either of those roles involve being a skivvy for his children?
I'm not even going to comment on the man jobs nonsense.
Op I haven't read the full thread but this would piss me off him take take take and you get nothing.. one of my friend was in your situation and she got really angry with him and his reply was yeah I just though I could write my name on your presents for her even though he hadn't contributed or anything the relationship didn't last long after that as she felt he children weren't really important to him like his were to her and she said she had to put her children first (quiet rightly) but to this day he still doesn't understand what he done wrong
Just be careful you don't call on to this trap and be more hurt later down the line I'd have a word with him tbh because your children are just as important!
Hope your little girl enjoys her party and birthday
Thank you proudmummy, that's exactly what I feel is happening here. With my son, I genuinely did understand. He had absolutely nothing in his bank which was no fault of his own. I didn't want to add pressure to it with the whole getting my son a present.
But this time it's different, very different. I'm so glad I've written this post now.
Thank you, she's so excited for tonight :-) so am I, I won't let this ruin it.
I think that's shit, frankly.
I think if he was truly so skint he couldn't even afford a card and a little gift, he still could have bought something for your DS when he did have money to make up for it.
In fact, I'm surprised he wasn't desperate to do so, and that the gift didn't come with a huge apology for lateness.
Maybe he's bought something for both your DD and your DS, now, though. We shall see.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.