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Was this sexual assault?

(11 Posts)
Mrsemcgregor Thu 20-Oct-16 07:41:17

I honestly don't know as I was very young at the time . I know it was wrong but I don't know exactly what it was. I will tell you the story, as I remember it.

When I was 9/10 years old I went on a day out swimming with my then best friend, her dad and her little brother. It was to one of those fun pools, flumes, wave machines etc. It had several pools all linked together.

At one point towards the end of the day I found myself detached from my friend and her brother who were in another pool and I was alone with their dad. I was floating on a big ring and their dad pulled me towards him and kissed me on the lips. It was a closed mouth kiss but it was very hard and not at all what I was used to from my own parents. I felt instantly really bad and confused, I thought maybe he has mistaken me for my friend as I knew that it wasn't right for someone else's dad to kiss me. But I didn't know why.

I remember losing all enthusiasm for the day out after that and I just wanted to go home. I got away from him by saying I wanted to find my friend and just avoided him for the rest of the day.

I never ever told anyone, I felt that what had happened was bad and therefore I would be in trouble if I said anything.

Now looking back as an adult (and it still bothers me, more so now) I can see it was wrong, a grown man shouldn't be kissing his young daughters friends on the lips. I think this was the first time I had met him so it's not like he would have felt any paternal affection for me.

I am still confused and don't know if I was assaulted. Was I? He didn't touch any of my private parts. He acted very casually as if it was no big deal. Maybe I am over reacting?

I don't think I am though. Or am I?

I would love your opinions. I am really sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, I wasn't sure but as I trust all that I see you ladies post as advice I felt most comfortable here.

talesofthevillage Thu 20-Oct-16 10:13:21

It was definitely inappropriate. Your instinct to get away told you it was inappropriate and you listened to that instinct. I think you didn't tell anyone because girls were sometimes conditioned to not make a fuss. Hopefully a young girl today would not have to worry about being in trouble. I hope you didn't have to see him again.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Thu 20-Oct-16 10:16:12

Yes. I think you know this, though.

Mrsemcgregor Thu 20-Oct-16 10:24:04

It's such a small incident to still be thinking about. On the scheme of things not much happened to me. But it still some 25 years later bothers me.

I also worry about the man that did it. Was I literally a moments lapse in what's appropriate to him? Why on earth did he do it? Has he done worse since?

It's all so horrible. I feel awfully guilty about it all for some reason and I would never say anything about it to my mum or husband because it's just such an embarrassing thing to still be thinking about.

Mrsemcgregor Thu 20-Oct-16 10:35:22

I never saw him again, after that day I didn't want to go to her house again because I was so embarrassed and I thought he might either do it again or that he would have told her what he did and she would be angry with me. Kid logic.

Blue2014 Thu 20-Oct-16 10:40:12

Remember you have nothing to feel bad, guilty or embarrassed about. You were a child, you did nothing wrong.

Alibobbob Thu 20-Oct-16 10:42:40

Why do you describe it as a small incident when it has had such a big impact on your life?

Unless you contact him you will never get an answer to your questions and even then he might deny everything or brush it off.

You never went to his house because of what HE did your kid logic made sense to you and may or may not have saved you from another inappropriate kiss or something worse.

I think you need to talk it through with someone maybe book one session with a counsellor if you can afford to. X

talesofthevillage Thu 20-Oct-16 10:43:16

I understand. I hope you can let go of the memory and that you reconcile the the fact you were a small child dealing with a predatory adult in the best way you could. flowers

Mrsemcgregor Thu 20-Oct-16 10:50:55

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot to hear that I am probably not being silly.

I guess I just feel that other people have had far far worse than an unsolicited kiss from a friends father and it's rather petty of me to feel bad about it as it somehow minimises people who went through "real" abuse.

But as an adult and a parent now I see that what he did was very inappropriate. It makes me angry that he felt he could just kiss a 9 year old girl (who was in her swimming costume and feeling very vulnerable). He just did what he wanted and now I am an adult I can see that he must have known he actions would make me feel bad but he did it anyway. Which isn't something I really considered until recently. He knew it was wrong and I didn't and he took advantage of that.

I have tried to find him on Facebook but I can't remember his first name and my childhood friend either doesn't have fb or has gotten married and changed her name so I can't find her either. I just kind of wanted to see if I could google him and see if he ever got caught for anything similar, or having indecent images or something. Something tells me that if he could blatantly kiss me in a public place he probably didn't stop there.

DanielCraigsUnderpants Thu 20-Oct-16 11:34:18

You are definitely not silly or over reacting. He violated your trust by doing something totally inappropriate and wrong. His actions made your world seem a more unpredictable place and he made you question your judgement. Your sound judgement at that. You have nothing to feel guilty about and if possible I think talking this trough with a counselor, or other suitably qualified person would maybe help you deal with all of your complex feelings and worries.

Mrsemcgregor Thu 20-Oct-16 11:37:55

Thank you

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